Buy A House For £1

People complain that the wages in the UK haven't kept up with the increase in the costs of things. Well, I see your valid maths and raise you one example of that not being the case!

Houses in Liverpool are going on sale for £1, yes, £1. God knows how they're going to get the buildings inside Poundland, but still.

The houses are in need of much repair and are in a run down part of town. Or as the estate agent puts it:

"These spacious Victorian terraced houses offer two bedrooms, bathroom, half a kitchen and great access to nearby criminals."

They're in the Granby Triangle area in Kensington, Liverpool, and were originally part of former Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott's plan to destroy thousands of homes across the country. The plan was to knock down houses like that and build new ones. But it was only the first of the plan that really happened. They knocked down some houses, didn't build enough new ones, and the scheme failed. It's not the first time John Prescott has done something like that. He only really got to grips with the first part of bulimia.

It's a good plan because you're only allowed to buy a house for £1 if you show you have the DIY skills to actually work on it. That means I wouldn't be allowed to own one, unless they were OK with most of the house being made of Bluetack and electrical tape.

Ah, so that's how it works. I was wondering how you make a house so cheap that you could sell it for just £1. I thought the only way to do it was to change the U to and R.

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Film Review: Arbitrage

Arbitrage is a film that makes you realise how times have changed. Remember this old joke:

MAN1: "What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?"
MAN2: "I don't know, what do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
MAN1: "A good start."

That classic comes from a time when we hated lawyers. Arbitrage is about our new hatred, bankers. Richard Gere plays Robert Miller, a hedge fund manager who is doing what we all think hedge fund managers do, lying and cheating. He's busy selling his hedge fund for way more than it's worth because he's fiddled the books. No surprise so far, he is a banker after all. So far this plot isn't even as bad as an RBS training manual.

But he's been cheating on his wife too. There's a young art dealer and he's been putting his fund in her hedge or something like that. He and his mistress are in a car crash. She is killed and his response it to go with his strengths. He lies some more.

The bulk of the film is the frantic work Mr Miller puts in to stopping his own-made tangled web from unravelling and the passion with which Detective Bryer (played by Tim Roth) wants to nail the banker.

Richard Gere has still got it. Even with his advancing age his performance holds the screen. OK, you wouldn't expect him to pick up a woman like in his An Officer and a Gentleman days, without making a groaning sound.

It's an interesting plot built from all the deceit and covering up, and it's biggest accomplishment is that you actually start to feel sorry for the character. This is a banker (someone that the media loves to hate), a philanderer (someone that we all love to hate) and a murderer (which also frowned upon). And yet there are many moments when you want him to get away with it.

He lies and cheats and yet is also good, and the police lie and cheat, yet are also good. The film is an essay on the mid-tones that stop the world being black and white.

One problem I have when I watch a film is that I really let the situations affect me and I think about how I would react if it were to happen to me. After watching Arbitrage I now know what I'd do if I ever accidentally killed a mistress of mine. Information I hope not to use, but heck, it's good to be prepared*.

[Arbitrage is released on March 1st 2013]

* What would I do if I accidentally killed a mistress? I'd confess straight away, of course. I say that because if ever I'm a suspect in a murder the first thing they'll do is Google me, and I don't want an intricate plan left sitting on the web. I've seen Arbitrage but I've also seen the Mel Smith and Griff Rhys Jones film Wilt.

Here's the trailer...

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UK Obesity and Chubby Checker - Topical Stand-Up [Video]

Every week at The Monday Night News Show in London SomeNews.co.uk goes live.

Below is a video from this week's show, covering topics like the obesity crisis in the UK and Chubby Checker's legal problem.

Have a look...


Watch on YouTube
At the actual gig we also covered gay marriage, Luton airport, RBS, Posh Spice and loads more. Come and see the show live next week.

P.S. Here are all the topical videos from past Monday Night News Shows - check them out.

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999 Police, Ambulance... Bean Bag Removal?

Fire-fighters got a 999 call to rescue a bean bag from a roof.

The poor bean bag. If I spent my life having people's bums shoved into me I'd probably think about jumping too. (Who am I kidding, I use the London Underground, I do have people's bums shoved into me.)

Six crew were sent to rescue it after a member of the public said it was "hanging precariously".

Wow. One of the softest and comfiest things in the world. If it dropped on you you'd probably get a nice sit down out of it. What a bloody waste of the fire service's time. They are there to respond to emergencies, such as fires, not pointless issues like this. So people, please. If you spot a bean bag on a roof, don't just call 999. Set fire to it first.

>Read the source story

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Chubby Checker Sues Over Willy Slang

Rock'n'roll singer Chubby Checker is suing HP over an app that used his name as a euphemism for penis size.

To explain: That's the computer HP, and not the one who makes brown sauce. The HP sauce people haven't started doing any promotional activity that is linked to penis size. Which is a good thing, because if they started making bottles that look like penises, it'll be a brave person who sits there smacking it till stuff comes out.

The Chubby Checker app, which appeared on websites for Palm OS (owned by Hewlett-Packard), claimed to guess the intimate measurement based on shoe size.

That is, of course, flawed science. Having bigger feet isn't linked to having a bigger penis, or clowns wouldn't look so sad.

Lawyers acting for the singer are seeking £323m in compensation, saying the app has done "irreparable damage" to his reputation.

I think he may be overreacting. Even if his name became synonymous with the male member his career would be OK. It's not bothered Alan JOHNSON, PETER Andre, DICK van Dyke, WILLY Mason and Jason PENISFACE.

HP said it removed the app as soon as it received a complaint from lawyers.

I'm glad the app has been removed as it wasn't a good idea to have his name linked to a penises. You don't want a nickname that when a woman says it she subconsciously thinks of the sentence, "Let's do the Twist."

>Read the source story

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Horse, Snow & Mirren - Topical Stand-Up [Video]

Every week at The Monday Night News Show in London SomeNews.co.uk goes live.

Below is a video from this week's show, covering topics like the snow in the UK, the horse meat crisis, the end of Page 3 and Dame Helen Mirren (not the end of her, just, you know what I meant).

Have a look...


Watch on YouTube
At the actual gig we also covered the Pope's resignation, car park news, husband killing, Huhne's speeding and loads more. Come and see the show live next week.

P.S. Here are all the topical videos from past Monday Night News Shows - check them out.

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Prisoner Has Phone Up The Bum

A Sri Lankan prisoner who tried to hide a mobile phone up his bumhole was caught when guards heard his backside ringing.

Ah, booty call.

The 58-year-old convict was admitted to the national hospital in Colombo where doctors later retrieved the handset from his bottom. What kind of an idiot leaves the phone on when it's up inside him? If he heard it ring it's not like he'd get to it before it goes to voicemail. And even if he didn't want to turn it off, he should've put his ringer on vibrate, so to speak. That way he'd still miss the call but at least he'd enjoy it.

Officials said: "The man had concealed the phone inside his person. Unfortunately for him, the phone rang at the wrong time and guards knew he had a phone at the wrong end."

There newspapers haven't reported if the prisoner had anything to say, but I imagine he said, "The Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 was a bad idea!"

Yes, phones these days are getting bigger and many are impressed that he managed to get one up there. I'm more impressed that he got the charger and jewelled case up there too.

>Read the source story

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The Robot Hair Transplant [Interview]

The Terminator films had it all wrong, the machines won't rise up against us, they're making us look better. Yes, I was excited by the news of robotic hair transplants (N.B. That's robots transplanting hair, not hair being transplanted onto robots) for obvious reasons. And to find out more I got to speak to Dr Craig Ziering, the expert behind this life-line to the balder of society like me.

Have a listen.


Download the mp3

And here's a video about it.

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The Big Parking Space Scam

News comes from Tel Aviv where road workers painted a disabled parking space around a car, and then towed it away for parking in a disabled parking space.

That's out of order. I'd be more outraged but this story broke in the same week that we heard someone built a whole car park on top of King Richard III, so there's perspective. (Side note: Now I finally understand the lyrics to Joni Mitchell's Big Yellow Taxi.)

Hila Ben Baruch was ordered to pay 1,000 NIS (£170) and further towing costs after being accused of illegally parking in one of the Israeli city's disabled parking spots. Thankfully this is rare. It's not like Israel to dispute the original designation of land.

CCTV caught the whole thing. Here's the video...


Watch on YouTube
Not only is it unfair, it's not even a good paint job. Do it in pencil first before doing it in neat.

But the worry is that if it can happen to her it could happen to any of us. So, to make sure I can never be the victim of such an evil scheme I intend to park in such a way that no one could paint the parking space border around me. My vehicle will stick out into the road even if it blocks traffic and I may have to take two spaces. How will I do this? Simple. I'm taking lessons from mums on the school run.

>Read the source story

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Nude Teacher Twitter Troubles

A teacher has been suspended from her job after pictures of her naked and apparently smoking cannabis were posted from her Twitter account.

Tut. Of course she can't do that. She's not someone with totally no impact on young people, like Rihanna.

23-year-old Carly McKinney was pictured posing in her underwear, and even performing a naked handstand in the provocative pics. Although in my day, having to do gym in your underwear was what happened if you forgot your kit.

Other snaps saw the maths teacher, who works at Overland High School in Aurora, Colorado, US, flashing a stomach tattoo and even posing topless.

Don't you just love America. They suspend this teacher because some antics in her personal life might affect some school kids... but they still won't ban guns.

I know, I know, guns don't kill people, people kill people. But I'll tell you something else, naked teacher boobies don't kill people either. And even if they could kill you, what a way to go.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's OK. In fact teachers posting naked pictures on the internet is stunting the development of the youth. In my day when I wanted to see Miss Jenkins nude I had to use my imagination.

>Read the source story

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Chris Huhne Remember's Guilty

I turned on the TV earlier to see Chris Huhne addressing the press after he pleaded guilty to perverting course of justice over his speeding fine. And as each photographer's bulb flashed on him, I saw the irony.

The former energy secretary admitted he persuaded his ex-wife to take speeding points for him in 2003. That's perfect. If ever there's a job for a man who's good at talking others into taking point they don't have to, it's the job where you're in charge of our Kyoto responsibilities.

He had claimed he was not guilty right up to the point that the trial started when he suddenly remembered that he was guilty. A lying politician. No one is surprised. A man who persuaded his wife to do something. People are shocked.

As he left the court, Huhne said: "I pleaded guilty today. I am unable to say more while there is an outstanding trial. But having taken responsibility for something which happened 10 years ago the only proper course of action is now for me to resign my Eastleigh seat in parliament."

Well, the proper thing to do could've been not lie, not get your wife to take your points for you, or, god forbid, don't break the speed limit in the first place.

The charges relate to allegations that in 2003 he persuaded his then wife, Vicky Pryce, 60, an economist, to take speeding points so that he could avoid prosecution.


Since then, they separated and she went on to play the role of Steve in the TV show American Dad.


Pryce has pleaded not guilty to the charge on the grounds of marital coercion.

She took the points for him in 2003, but it wasn't till he left her for Carina Trimingham, a woman 14 years younger than her, in 2011, that she told the police what he's done.

Granting Huhne unconditional bail, judge Mr Justice Sweeney said: "I will deal with your sentence on a date to be notified. It is essential that you attend, on that date. You should have no illusion whatsoever as to the sort of sentence that you are likely to receive."

That means he's going to jail.

Or rather, someone who looks like Carina Trimingham in a suit will turn up to do the time.

>Read the source story

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Should Scotland Stay Or Should They Go Now

With all the talk about the In/Out referendum on Europe, we get a new perspective on the Scottish one. Being faced with a decision between leaving or staying in a larger union, we can start to see how the good people of Scotland feel.

The difference is, with the Europe situation, it seems like the choices are leave or get more involved. We're in that, "I don't want to get married but I don't want to split up either. Can't we just keep things as they are?" Trust me, you never can.

Scotland has an easier question. Stay or go. But the clarity of that issues has been brought into question. The elections watchdog has said the public could be confused over how independence would affect Scotland and demanded the UK and Scottish governments provide clarity on key issues ahead of the referendum.

So just to clarify, when we say that Scotland would leave the UK, we don't mean that they will actually leave. They'll still be right there if you want to pop up for a visit. At the time of publication there are no plans to push down hard on Hadrian's Wall till it splits us in two.

If they vote to stay things won't change. We promise. We won't hold the fact that you threatened to leave against you. We won't pretend everything is fine but secretly start seeing other countries behind your back just to get revenge.

And now the details have been sorted all we need to know is what the people of Scotland answer to the question... erm, to the question...

That's the next problem. The commission rejected the SNP's preferred wording on the question to be put to voters. They wanted, "Do you agree that Scotland should be an independent country? Yes/No". That's a bit of a leading question.

They also wanted, "Do you want Scotland to be independent or would you rather French kiss a tramp?" Or their favourite, "Vote yes or the puppy gets it."

The commission warned that use of the phrase "Do you agree... potentially encouraged people to vote Yes and should be replaced by more neutral wording". It put forward its own question "Should Scotland be an Independent country? Yes/No".

If they really want neutral language they should get the people of England and Wales to vote for the question. They'd come up with the very neutral, "Erm, whatevs."

>Read the source story

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Wife With The Killer Privates

Here's a story that's all too common. A wife tried to kill her husband by poisoning something he was about to eat. But there's a twist.

A woman in Brazil apparently tried to widow herself by putting a toxic substance inside her private parts and then asking her significant other to perform a sex act on her.

This is exactly why, before I do any downstairs loving on a woman, I have a servant taste it first.

There must be easier ways to kill your husband, or at least ways that don't involve the risk of poisoning your own chuff. And it didn't even work, the husband survived. Of course he did. Like any oral sex happens after marriage.

What happened was, when she asked him to give her oral sex, he fled after noticing a strange smell. Hang on, you're allowed to refuse to do it because there's a strange smell. Then no one would ever do it again.

The suspicious husband then took his wife, who has not been named, to hospital where doctors carried out tests and found she had a poisonous substance up there.

Look on the bright side, at least you know she doesn't have mice.

Well, the moral of the story is, if someone who wants you dead suddenly starts acting all nice to you and offering you sex, you should be weary. They say never look a gift horse in the mouth. Well, that ain't a mouth.

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