Cameron Needs You

We have wanted to know how Prime Minister David Cameron planned to get this country out of its financial troubles. What would he do to plug the massive spending gap? The front page of today's Telegraph tells us. His missus is shopping at Asda. She's doing the little bum tap they do in the ads. That's means we're quite poor but it'll be OK. If he even sends her to Lidl we're screwed. He gave a "Your country needs you" speech and said, "It takes two to build that strong economy." He also said, "It takes two to build that Big Society." And that's the beauty of a coalition, there are two of them. Sounds like they won't need our help.

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Cheryl's Death Threats

Today we see the headline: Cheryl Death Threats. I thought, "On no. Has she been having a go at the toilet attendant again?" But no, as it turns out the story is about Cheryl Cole getting the death threats. It's all because she sent Gamu home and put Cher through to the next stage of X Factor. Some people are saying that Cheryl is racist but I don't think that's fair. I'm sure she'd hit toilet attendants of any creed or colour. She sees anyone who's beneath her as all the same. One threat carried the terrifying warning: "Every1 has a bullet for you. Wat u have now done is f*** up every white girls lives who's silly mothers dat named der child cheryl. Cuz I'm just going to f***** bang drop dem and dey won't even know why." That is just shocking. Can't anyone use proper grammar these days? Tut! The best bit in the newspaper is where they reprint part of the death treat. The author of the note talks about Gamu but calls her Gambu. The newspaper people want to reprint the error but they don't want you to think it was their typo, so they use a well known annotation. They put: "I've never felt like dis over xfactor until u told gambu (sic) she is not going to the live show." And all the kids reading that are thinking, "Yeah, dat's right. She is well sic bruv!"

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Wayne Rooney's Fingers Do The Walking

Wayne Rooney flew to Prague with his wife Coleen by his side. That's nice. It means she has taken him back and trusts him again. Or it means she doesn't want to let him out of her sight in case he does it again.

Coleen was going to the Czech capital to film an ad for Littlewoods. Wayne seized the chance to join her but the romantic gesture did not get off to the best start - he was only able to get a seat sat apart from his wife.

I don't know why she was worried. Even in business class there's not enough room in front of an airline seat for a proper lap dance.

It's nice that they're making a go of it but there are still some bits of the story that seem odd. Have a listen below to see what I mean.

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The Banks That Like To Say, "Damn It!"

This is one of my favourite headlines. "Banks Hit By 7,000 Complaints Every Day"

That's just shocking. I'm not shocked that we have rubbish banks. But we have a rubbish postal service. 7,000 letters get through every day! Bloody hell.

The banks have been criticized for poor service and giving bad advice. I think the bigger problem is that if they send you a letter to let you know you have done something wrong, they charge you £30.

We send them 7,000 letters a day telling them what they have done wrong. That's £21,000 a day. £76,650,000 a year they owe us. Still, it would be £76,650,000 of our money so it seems pointless.

To make it a little more even, the next time I write them a letter of complaint I'll do it with a pen that's chained to my own desk. See how they like that.

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There Ain't No Party Like A Nigel Kennedy Drugs Party

Two people have been arrested for drugs offences when German police raided a party hosted by violinist Nigel Kennedy. Police found evidence that cannabis had been smoked on the premises. What was that, Twix wrappers? In The Night Garden still playing on the telly? People wearing the same T-shirt for weeks without washing it? (I'm getting so old.) Officers found no evidence of criminal activity in Kennedy's suite, but are understood to have found equipment used to smoke illegal drugs in rooms rented out by other guests at the party. Hmm, trust him to be on the fiddle.

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Jordan's Fine (Not in that way)

Katie Price has been accused of using a mobile phone while driving a large pink horsebox.

There you go, ladies, not so proud of your ability to multi-task now?

She was driving her big pink monstrosity when she swerved. The newspapers said, "No one was hurt." Normally they say, "Luckily no one was hurt," but I suppose it is Jordon.

Apparently she tried to avoid a conviction by saying she was a "typical woman driver" - but failed and was fined £1,000.

And there goes decades of the feminist movement. Of course she's wrong, she's nothing like a "typical driver" of any gender. She's more like a "typical car" because she's mainly factory-made and has twin airbags as standard.

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Send It Like Beckham

The Daily Star was saying that David Beckham's private eyes have finally tracked down lying hooker Irma Nici and slapped her with a £16 million libel writ.

That doesn't sound so difficult. Just go to where she's stripping and fold the writ up like it's a twenty.

The Beckhams are apparently celebrating this by taking a "second honeymoon".

That makes sense. Sounds like he's had a "second stag do" recently.

Private detectives acting for the couple tracked down the 26-year-old Bosnian beauty to New York's luxury W hotel.

Ouch! That must've cost them a lot of money to hire private detectives just to find a hooker. At least Wayne Rooney just used the Yellow Pages.

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Simon Cowell Gets Left Behind

Simon Cowell's biography is the book most often left behind in hotel rooms.

Really? I thought it would be the bible. There's been one left in every hotel room I've been in. Those Christians are a forgetful bunch. That's why they're lucky Jesus's birthday lands on Christmas, or they'd probably forget.

Travelodge say more than 20 thousand books were left in its rooms last year.

It makes you wonder, what are the reasons for leaving a copy of Simon Cowell's biography? There are two. Some people bought, didn't like it, and couldn't be bothered to carry it home. Or is it that some people bought it, loved it so much they stayed in their Travelodge room during a holiday just to devour every page and left it so the next person to have that room can share in the joy?

In this case there could be a third reason. Some people are big fans of Simon Cowell, bought the biography but didn't realise that to enjoy a book you have to be able to read.

The most shocking thing about this news story is that it's an unauthorised biography. I'm surprised Simon Cowell hasn't written an autobiography because, from my days as a writer, I can remember the advice I was given, "If you want to be successful write about something you love."

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Recession Update - Toilet Roll Is Getting Smaller

A supermarket has admitted reducing the width of its toilet paper after a customer complained it was getting smaller.

Don't panic, it's only a little bit smaller. It's not like you'll be flossing.

72-year-old Ted Saunders measured a sheet on a new roll of Asda "Shades" and found it was 5mm narrower than the old one.

Wow. You have to have a lot of self confidence to do that, to use a new toilet roll and think, "This paper is smaller." Most of us would notice the difference and think, "Oh dear, my bum's getting bigger."

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Vince Cable's Post-Speech Interview

The man who predicted the recession (then again, he's so old he's lived through five of them) Vince Cable gave his speech at the Lib Dem conference and it was big news.

Vinny attacked economic short-termism and speculation. He basically had a good old rant about capitalism and had a go at the bankers... like any taxi driver you've had for the last two years. At least he didn't blame it on the immigrants.

But what is he going to do next? Well, have a listen below and find out.

Please feel free to leave your comments.

>Watch the actual speech here

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Beckham's Bedroom Hatrick

A footballer in a sex scandal. Do you think the newspapers write these stories every time or do they just cut, paste and change a few names?

This time a 'hooker' has claimed David Beckham had a threesome with her.

Sounds like she's a schizo too. You can't have a three-in-a-bed session with only two people. Or is she saying it was David and his wife? Even then that only makes about 2.5 people by mass.

The headline seems a bit harsh, "Beckham's Fury At 3-In-Bed Hooker Claims". Fury? Come on, if you imply a bloke has had some three-way action, he's not furious. He takes it as a compliment but pretends to be upset to keep the missus happy.

But then you read the story and it says, "Irma Nici, 26, claimed he paid her £3,200 in cash to have unprotected sex at New York's Le Parker Meridien hotel in August 2007."

Ah, she claimed he paid for it. There's no compliment there. He's thinking, "Oi! I'm David Beckham. Haven't you seen the Armani ads, I could get it for free."

Wayne Rooney should say the same excuse to Coleen. She looks like she needs a good laugh.

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Radio 2 DJ Sarah Kennedy - 'I Wasn't Drunk, hic!'

Radio 2 DJ Sarah Kennedy has said she was never drunk on air.

That's a shame. I'd love it if she called Andrew Sachs too. "'Ere, I did your granddaughter. She was... Game For A Laugh!"

There were rumours that Sarah Kennedy often turned up for her early morning radio show drunk, but she insisted she drank only orange juice or water before her show.

Isn't that worse? If you act like you're drunk because you're drunk, then OK, you were drunk. If you turn up to a radio show with a tattoo you don't remember getting and a traffic cone on your head and you haven't touched a drop... you've got bigger problems.

This is the actual quote from the paper, she said: "I have never, never, never in my life gone into the BBC other than being stone cold sober. It wouldn't even occur to me. I mean that from the bottom of my heart."

And then she said: "'Cos you and me, we're like best mates, yeah?. I f***ing love you, man. (Burp!) I wanna kebab."

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Match Fixing Is Just Not Cricket

The cricket bribery scandal keeps growing and it led to fisticuffs at Lord's. England's Jonathan Trott and Pakistan's Wahab Riaz brawled over match-fix revelations. The pair grabbed each other by the throat and hurled four-letter abuse.

I don't know who won that fight but I heard Riaz was going to take a dive in the second round.

This comes after Ijaz Butt, the head of Pakistan cricket, says he believes England players have been paid to lose.

Well yeah. They're English sportsmen. That's what they do. If we didn't pay our sportsmen when they lost they'd all be on benefits.

All of this name calling and mud slinging came about because, on the weekend, a newspaper said illegal bookies in Dubai and India appeared to know in advance what would happen in Friday's Oval match.

Is that such a bad thing? Some of these cricket matches go on for five days. If we could find out the result at the start think of all the time we could save.

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