Happy New Year, 2012

As we can see from the front page of The Independent, 2012 started with a bang. I mean the fireworks on the right, not the exploding boobs on the left.

The UK saw in the New Year in the traditional way. Yep, fireworks are now a New Year tradition, along with Bonfire Night, Halloween, Christmas, the anniversary of England beating Germany in football and Tuesdays. Basically, not a night goes past without someone setting off a firework for some reason. And if you don't expect them you suddenly see a flash in the rear view mirror and think, "Oh crap! Speed camera!"

250,000 people queued up to see some explosion going off around the capital, but not all of them were al-Qa'ida.

And now we're in 2012, so what does this year have in story for us? It'll include the London Olympics (which will mean even more fireworks, no doubt). It'll be a great event whatever happens. If we win lots of golds we can get a Cash 4 Gold envelope and sort out this credit crunch. And if we lose we can read the Daily Mail bemoaning that the one thing worse than letting lots of foreigners into the country is letting in lots of foreigners who can run quickly.

2012 will also see the end of the Twilight saga, part 2 of Breaking Dawn. I don't know who plays Dawn but it sounds like it's going to be violent.

In TV land the BBC will show their new reality show The Voice, which is like The X Factor only the judges don't get to look at the contestants. But that's basically how Louis Walsh works thanks to the cataracts. If they could just invent a show where the audience don't get to see the contestants, or hear them, it would be great.

What else could happen in 2012? Well, Europe will have a closing down sale. England will lose a key match (doesn't really matter what sport, it'll be true) and the world will end in December and if it does anyone who took out a 24 month mobile phone contract will be upset.

Whatever happens, try to enjoy it. That's my New Year's Resolution for 2012, try to enjoy more things. It'll be better than my 2011 New Year's Resolution, which was "say yes to more things," which explains my obesity and Hep C.

Have a happy 2012.

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iPhone Tells Boy To Shut Up

Do you ever worry that technology will replace humans?

There's a story in the news of a 12-year-old but who was told to 'shut up' by iPhone's new Siri software. That's excellent. I don't have to be grumpy when surrounded by kids any more, there's an app for that.

Charlie Le Quesne was trying out the iPhone 4S at a Tesco store in Coventry. He asked it, "How many people are there in the world?" And Siri said, "Shut the f*** up, you ugly t***."

To be fair, the iPhone 4S has a good camera, so it was probably right.

And it was a stupid question. Even with the new operating system in the iPhone there's no way it could know exactly how many people are in the world. So it did what we all do when we think we'll look stupid, it lashed out.

This is a brave new world of technology we're heading into. In the old days when something went wrong with a computer you got the blue screen of death. Now when something goes wrong it swears at you. If it cost slightly more each month it would be just like a real girlfriend.

His mother Kim said: "I couldn't see the funny side."

Forget funny, it's useful. If you buy your child a phone that tells him to "shut the f*** up" you know he won't run up a large bill.

Staff told her that someone had tampered with the phone's set-up instructions. The Siri system addresses the phone's user by name – using information entered in its contact system. But someone had entered the obscene seven-word phrase as the user's name, so the phone blurted it out when it answered a question.

So you can teach an iPhone to swear at people? It's not replacing humans, it's replacing pet parrots.

>Read the source story

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Samoa Time Travels

The country Samoa has jumped forward in time 24 hours. It's like the TV show Lost was a documentary. If a polar bear suddenly turns up it's time to start to panic.

Samoa has changed its time zone to bring itself into the same day as Australia and New Zealand.

The same technique could be used to bring the Isle of Wight into the same year as the rest of the UK.

It's been done to help Samoa trade with its nearby nations. When Samoa was in Monday Australia was already in Tuesday, so if Samoa tried to make and sell fresh sandwiches to Australia they'd already be past their display date before they were even made. Or something like that.

The only downside to this is that the Samoan people have lost a day. They went to bed on Thursday and woke up on Saturday. To be fair, I've done that before, but that's because the Jägerbomb is an evil invention.

If I were them I would complain. The day they lost was between Christmas and New Year. That's one of the days when no one really works. And if you took a week off you only got 4 days to relax in. And why take a Friday? Everyone loves a Friday. Take a Monday. As long as it's not a Monday with a season finale of CSI because that would be annoying.

The shift moves Somao from the far east to the west. Instead of being a country that uses herbal medicine it's a country that uses herbal medicine and pays over the odds for it.

>Read the source story

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Podcast 28 - Review of 2011

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 28. It's a look at some news that's hit the headlines recently.

It's our look back at 2011, so in this podcast...

We all nearly died in January from flu.
In February Christina Aguilera forgot some words.
In March we were all worried about the Arab Spring.
April was all about the Royal Wedding.
May was a good month unless you were Bin Laden.
June gave us Sir Bruce of Forsyth.
July was the end of the News of the World.
In August the UK had riots.
Rihanna got her jubblies out in September.
October was a good month unless you were Gaddafi.
November had some X Factor scandal.
December gave us some Leveson entertainment.




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The Pigs Finally Solve Crime

Necessity is the mother of all invention. So solving this clearly wasn't that necessary. A council has been using pig manure to deters teenagers from drinking in the woods.

It's a common issue. Little yobby teens meeting up in the woods is a problem. It can make people not want to go into those woods. Teddy bears are having to find other places for picnics.

So the council developed a plan to cover the woods with smelly animal poo. That way the teens won't want to hang out in the woods getting up to no good. Of course, the woods then smell of shit. It still makes people not want to go into the woods. The Teddy bears will bring up anything they actually eat.

Middlesbrough Council came up with the cheap but effective method of combating anti-social behaviour in woods at Coulby Newham.

Seeing as it works maybe it's something we should look into using elsewhere. There's a lot of crime on night buses in London. Maybe if we covered the top deck in dung we'd be safe.

There's more evidence to back me up here. Cows poo in fields and most theft, burglary and even traffic offences don't happen in fields. Coincidence? I doubt it.

Nottingham has a problem with gun crime that has got worse in the last few years. These days you don't see as much dog poo on the pavements. Maybe the two are related.

You can't fight the science. I have proved that poo is the solution to crime. So forget about carrying a panic alarm, just have a lot of bran.

>Read the source story

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BBC's Panda Of The Year

The BBC has caused some upset, and this time Jeremy Clarkson wasn't involved. They released their list of the Women Of The Year, and it included a panda.

Come on women, you really need to pull your finger out. You didn't manage to place in the BBC's Sports Personality of the Year and now you're beaten by a panda. Tut. And don't go claiming it isn't fair. She's a panda, so there's no way she slept herself to the top.

Twitter went crazy as #pandagate trended. People were upset that an animal was considered to be one of the best women of the year, but I think it's good that a panda managed to finally break through that glass ceiling.

Do you know how many CEOs of FTSE 100 companies are pandas? No, neither do I but I am assuming it's low.

The reason the Chinese panda called Tian Tian made it onto the BBC's list is because she is one of the animals on loan from Beijing to the Edinburgh Zoo. Although she's probably actually in a German zoo, you know what the BBC is like. It's hoped that she will produce cubs during her decade on British soil.

Some people said it was sexist to put a panda on a list where a woman should be. Surely it's sexist to not put the male panda on the Men of the Year list too. Are you saying her input in making cubs is more important than his? No wonder the male pandas never feel in the mood to mate. What's the point when no one appreciates your efforts?

>Read the source story

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Five Months In A Toilet

A shocking headline from international news: "Teen wife locked in toilet for five months".

I read and thought, "Imagine how much reading she must've got done." I think most blokes would like the idea of five months in a toilet. It's the one room in the house where you can get some peace and quiet. And it's the one room that's lockable.

But the details of the actual story is far more depressing. It was a 15-year-old who was forced to stay in the bathroom. A 15-year-old girl, of course. A 15-year-old boy would spend five months in the bathroom as soon as the new Grattans catalogue arrived.

Afghan police rescued the girl who was locked up in a toilet for more than five months after she defied her in-laws who tried to force her into prostitution.

Sadly this is a sign that the country still doesn't have a correct attitude to women. It's shocking that in the modern day so many women live such horrible lives because they're not valued in their society.

Still, I write this in a country whose BBC puts a panda on it's Women Of The Year list, so I don't have the high ground here.

>Read the source story

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Celebrity Science Is Wrong

Sense About Science (SAS) has published its annual list of what it considers the year's worst abuses against science. This time they highlight some of the stupidest science things celebs have said in interviews.

American singer-songwriter Suzi Quatro said: "I used to get a lot of sore throats and then one of my sisters told me that all illnesses start in the colon. I started taking a daily colon cleanser powder mixed with fresh juice every morning and it made an enormous difference."

Wow. If your enema can clear your throat you must live in a place with really good water pressure.

Presidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann used an appearance on a U.S. television show to tell a story of a woman from Tampa, Florida, who said her daughter had become "mentally retarded" after getting an HPV vaccine designed to protect against cervical cancer.

The SAS campaign points out that famous people can spread such anti-science and it can lead to people dying. And besides, if a vaccine could really lead to a lower IQ, Bachmann wouldn't be banning it, she'd be missing out on potential votes that way.

And U.S. reality TV star Nicole Polizzi said in an interview: "I don't really like the beach. I hate sharks, and the water's all whale sperm. That's why the ocean's salty."

If the water was that full of whale sperm the females wouldn't need to find a male to mate. And I'd hate to hear her explanation for anchovies.

Christian Louboutin, a French footwear designer, said, "What is sexual in a high heel is the arch of the foot, because it is exactly the position of a woman's foot when she orgasms. So putting your foot in a heel, you are putting yourself in a possibly orgasmic situation."

In that case a man staring into the distance while going red in the face should be sexy. That's the same position he'll be in when he orgasms.

We don't need to worry about this too much though. These people are talking rubbish, but if you get your science knowledge from celebrity magazines you probably weren't going to find a cure for cancer anyway.

>Read the source story

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IVF Rip Off

The Independent leads with claims by health expert Lord Robert Winson that IVF clinics are 'ripping off' couples desperate to have children.

This is a good time of year for this story as IVF is the only other way to have a baby while still being a virgin, just like Mary. Although, if you were Joseph, you bought the whole story about Mary being pregnant after a visit from an angel, would you still refrain from sex or would you think, "Well, it's not like she's going to get any more pregnant."

Anyway, it's claimed that the fertility clinics are charging couples three times the actual cost of their treatment.

The newspaper deals with the story from the female side, and it does seem wrong to rip someone off at such an emotional time. But it's not great from the bloke's side too. You have to go into a room, pleasure yourself AND still pay! If they're charging three times the going rate the least they could do is put on a "masseuse".

You go into one of their rooms, do all the hard work to give yourself a happy finish and then, as you leave, you still get a massive bill.

Tut. They must've seen you coming.

>Read the source story

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Podcast 27 - The Christmas Special

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 27. It's a look at some news that's hit the headlines recently.

This podcast is a break from the topical but it's a festive story that has a real message. If you have been following the podcast you'll know about the producer who's been working on the show. He's not been happy and... well, to find out what happened just listen to the podcast.









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Simon Cowell Is Jesus

As you get older in a down-turning economy it's easy to worry that someone much younger than you will come along and take your job. If that is something that keeps you awake at night, I have some great news for you.

There's a report in the paper about what kids these days believe about Christmas. Apparently 22% of children think that on December 25 we celebrate the birth of Simon Cowell.

Oh, I so wish that was true. It would make Easter a whole lot better.

9% thought Dappy was one of the reindeer. Don't be silly. He's one of the 7 dwarves, isn't he? Is it a he?

28% of this country's future workforce thought Lapland is a nightclub in London, and they thought the Three Wise Men were Gary Barlow, Mark Wright and Prince Charles.

I won't go on about Gary Barlow and Prince Charles, but if you think Mark Wright is 'wise' you need to give in on life.

And they also thought Jesus was born in Brentford, Essex. He wasn't. I've been there. There is plenty of room in those inns.

But the best thing about this survey is that it was commissioned by Woolworths.co.uk. So while it's easy to poke fun at the stupidity of the children who answered this survey we should remember it was paid for by what's left of a company that couldn't stop these stupid kids nicking so much pick n mix it went out of business.

>Read the source story

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The Krankies Were Swingers

There are a lot of horrible things happening out there in the world of the news. Some things you read in the papers can bring you close to tears. Well, even if you can handle that, you'd better sit down for this.

The Krankies were swingers. Oh my god, I just threw up into my own mouth.

That's just ruined so many childhood memories for me. Hearing that the the Krankies were swingers is like finding out that Dogtanian's nose was red because he did so much coke. It's like hearing Cheetara from Thundercats got joggers' nipple.

The Krankies, swingers. Imagine being at one of those parties, reaching into the fruit bowl and pulling out the keys on the keyring that says, "The Krankiemobile".

You'd think, "Oh, that's just great. I get Wee Jimmy Krankie trying to go up on me."

Ian Krankie said: "It was never involved, lovey-dovey stuff with the others. It was just these incredible parties that would get out of hand. Janette might ask, 'Where's Ian?' and they'd happily tell her I was in the room next door with a dancer with my trousers around my ankles."

Trousers round your ankles? That was no time to be taking a dump.

He added: "I was a bit punchy. I punched Paul Daniels — but that's not really a bad thing is it? I think he contradicted something I was saying."

Let me guess, you thought Debbie McGee was still in the closet but Paul was saying she'd disappeared?

Janette said: "Showbiz is a notorious graveyard for marriages and people are always curious about how we managed to stick together since 1969. The truth is we've always been together as a married couple. But it didn't stop us having fun with other people."

Not only shouldn't we be shocked by this, we should encourage it. Janette holds the key to curing the paedophile problem. She's a woman over the age of consent who can look like an under-age boy. If we can get her to offer that service, and we turn the sex offenders' register into a rota, job done.

With ideas like that I don't know why I'm not in charge of the country.

>Read the source story

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Magic Pill To Keep You Slim

Perfect news for this time of year. Scientists have invented a "magic pill to keep you slim". But hang on, we don't need a pill to keep you slim, we need a pill to 'make' you slim.

Don't go making pills to help slim people. They're annoying enough already. As soon as Christmas is over you'll bump into one of your really skinny little friends and they'll say, "Oh I know. I ate so much over Christmas. Look at my belly." as they stroke the smallest of paunches.

Come off it. I've done poos that weight more than you!

They say million of Brits could benefit from a new wonder diet pill which switches off appetite without any side effects.

So does reading the news story about The Krankies being swingers.

It's a good job we're so close to solving the obesity epidemic with some 15 million in the UK now falling into that category. Although calling it an epidemic doesn't seem right. It makes it sound like you can catch fat. "Yeah, I can't touch my toes any more, I think I'm coming down with a touch of fat. I think Greggs must be a carrier."

Researchers believe the pill will stop obese people from feeling hungry by mimicking the effect of a hormone that switches off appetite.

Have you ever met a fat person? They don't eat because they're hungry. You need a hormone that switches off low self-esteem and boredom.

They have been doing clinical tests and they say the results are promising. But how have they managed to do clinical tests? You have to have one group of fat people on the drug and one group of fat people on harmless placebo sugar-pills. As soon as they find out they taste of sugar they'll scoff the lot.

>Read the source story

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