The World's Smallest Apartment?

Felice Cohen is in the news for a very small reason. She lives in an apartment that's 12 feet by 7 feet.

Cramped? Yes. But it must be a piece of cake to clean.

Her New York home measures under 90 sq ft and is so small that Cohen has to sit sideways to fit on the loo.

Why not just put the loo in at a different angle? I mean, I don't mind the idea of living in a small space but no one want to go side-saddle on the bog.

She also sleeps just inches from her ceiling.

So, when it comes to her sex life... spoons... say no more.

Cohen says the cramped conditions of her 'microstudio' are worth it because she gets to live in New York's Upper West Side for just $700.

If you're reading this and thinking, "That's a bit small," you're normal. If you think, "Well, that's lots of room with plenty of storage," you're my ****ing estate agent.

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The Naked Shopper

In court news, a woman got in trouble for walking into an Aberdeen shop naked apart from a sock.

A woman, you say? Because I know where a bloke would wear that sock but I don't quite understand where the sock would go a lassy. Well, I know where it would go but how would it stay there? A velco shoe I could get to stay but a sock...

She was Jennifer Bruce, a 33-year-old who should know better but she got a little tipsy and went into her local Co-op as a dare with most of her bits hanging out.

I blame Tesco. They were the ones who moaned about people wearing pyjamas to go shopping in. Well, she solved that one.

Passers-by, including children, were said to have been left in a state of fear and alarm.

Fear and alarm from seeing her nude. She was only 33. You wait till she hits her fifties. Then they'd have something to worry about. If you just catch a glimpse of her in your peripheral vision you'd think you were being charged by a really tall spaniel.

I think we should all calm down. It was only the naked form, and I would've thought the Co-op is so into its green credentials these days they'd welcome it. I think we should be allowed to go shopping into the nude if we want.

Well, not shopping at DFS. If you're trying our a chair... never mind.

>Read the source story

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Want To Work Past 65

The Mail tells us: "Most of us want to work past 65, says minister."

I suppose, if you have a job where you can use your expenses to pay for a moat house and duck cleaning or whatever, you'd want to keep working.

No, we don't want to work past 65. We don't want to work past 35 but we put up with that when we thought there was light at the end of the tunnel. We thought, "We'll do what this stupid idiot of a boss says because eventually I'll be retired and can spend all my time on sudoku."

There's something odd about a story that reminds us that we'll work till we drop dead, being put next to a picture of someone who is about to marry into a life that we all have to pay for.

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Salt Banned In Chip Shops

The Daily Express has found something else to moan about. They have the headline: "Salt Banned In Chip Shops".

Good, because after the trouble we had in winter we should be saving our salt for the snow.

We live in a country where thousands are killed by salt every year, through heart disease, and then hundreds are killed in the winter because of no salt when their cars go spinning off the roads.

The newspaper says, "Daft health police wreck the nation's favourite treat."

I suppose it would be daft. Taking the extra salt out of the fish and chips won't make it a health food meal, you still have a the starch and the saturated fats. Banning salt in chip shops is like banning the use of lead bullets – getting shop by a lead-free one isn't really better for your health.

The trouble with banning salt is that you will force it underground. Although, that's where salt comes from, so I guess it's OK.

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Podcast 11 - Budgets, LOLs and a Pig With A Nice Face

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 11. It's a look at some of the items in the news with a different take.

In this podcast...

The protests in London and the budgets that caused them
A pig who is getting a face lift
There are 13 children in the UK who have gun licences
The latest words to be added to the English language






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Judges On Drugs

Today The Sun asks: "Are Our Judges On Drugs?"

Well, let's look at the evidence. They have long hair, a very strange sense of fashion... yep, they're on marijuana. But they do seem to like 'order', so maybe not.

OK, let's look at more evidence. The judges talk a lot and always insist that they are right. Must be on cocaine. Which means it's not dust on all those legal books.

But they're so old I don't think their hearts would take it.

Oooh. Let's not forget that people say alcohol is a drug. That causes slurred speech and can lead you to make bad decisions. Yep, they could be on that.

Alcohol is the drug that the judges are on.

Well, they say alcohol is a drug but it's not really. You try buying it from your drug dealer.

DEALER: "What do you want, mate? Weed? Pills?"
YOU: "No. But could I get a white wine spritzer... blood?"

>Read the source story

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Funny Science

Good news for the comedy world, a scientist has worked out and equation to calculate how funny a joke will be.

This is great. If I do a joke on stage and it doesn't get a laugh I can show my workings and hopefully still get some points.

Expert Alastair Clarke reckons the equation h = m x s explains why we find some things funny. Alastair, an evolutionary theorist from Cumbria, said: “The pleasure we get (h) is calculated by multiplying the degree of misinformation (m) by the extent to which the individual is susceptible to taking it seriously (s).”

So, if you say something that is false (large value for m) but someone believes it (large value for s) it should be really really funny.

But why is it when I say, "No my dear, your bum doesn't look big in that," I don't even get a titter?

>Read the source story

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Tomatoes On A Plane

There's a story in the news of Kayleigh Barker who has a phobia of tomatoes. It sounds silly enough but add to this that she is a waitress. A waitress who has a fear of healthy veg. She's better get a job in McDonald's.

Apparently she runs our of the room is she sees a tomato. She's like an advanced salad dodger.

She must've hated Red Nose day.

She said: "My boss made me close my eyes... told me they had a present for me and put a tomato in my hand."

Sounds like you were lucky it was just a tomato.

Interesting her fear of tomatoes, called Lycopersicoa phobia, doesn’t extend to ketchup, as she loves the stuff.

That makes sense. A lot of people have a fear of clowns, but clown puree...

>Read the source story

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Hobbit Filming Finally Underway

Filming has begun on Peter Jackson's production of The Hobbit in New Zealand.

That's not a compliment to New Zealand is it. Every film he makes it's like he's saying, "Your country kind of looks like a land of freaky creatures and strange little hairy men."

If ever he makes a film about Newcastle he'll probably film it in New Zealand too.

After many delays production is under way with Martin Freeman will play the hobbit, Bilbo Baggins.

That's also not a compliment really, when Martin gets a call from his agent, "Hey Marty. You got it. The producers loved you. They took one look at you and thought, hobbit!"

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Podcast 10 - No Fly Zones, Royal Wedding Mix Up & Nude Big Brother

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 10. It's a look at some of the items in the news with a different take.

In this podcast:
We talk Libya no fly zones Bahrain protests The Royal Wedding mugs mix up
A naked version of Big Brother And the most expensive dog ever


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Man Breaks Dancing Record (Not Break Dancing Record) By Not Really Dancing... To Records

Nightclub owner Steve Stevens has got himself in the record books for dancing non-stop for more than five days.

There are people who take e reading this thinking, "Part-timer!"

There's a video of this at the bottom and you'll see that the word dance is rather loosely used. He's like a dad at a wedding. Admittedly, a really long wedding, but still...

Steve Stevens strained his right knee but managed to keep moving for 131 hours.

All he was doing was rocking from side to side and we given him a world record. If you rock from back to front for the same time you get locked up.

The former Ironman triathlete kept up his energy levels with a diet consisting of protein shakes, fruit, porridge, jacket potatoes, chips and lasagna.

That's where he went wrong. After dancing like a knob in a night club for ages there's only one food to choose... kebab.

>Read the source story

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X-ray Proof Pants Stop The Naked Scanners

There are some ideas I wish I thought of and took on Dragon's Den. A businessman has invented x-ray proof underwear to protect passengers' modesty when they go through Manchester Airport’s "naked scanner".

Ah, that flippin' scanner. I don't know why people in Manchester get so upset that a scanner can see them naked. Have you see how they dress when they go out on a Friday night?

But Steve Bradshaw was quizzed by armed cops and missed a flight when he refused to enter the scanner this year.

Quizzed? What questions did they ask? "Excuse me sir, are you avoiding the scanner because you're a terrorist or you have a small tagder?"

The dad-of-one (I think that answers that question) told security staff the technology was 'invasive' and breached privacy. So he went off and invented x-ray proof pants.

They use a special coating to bound the x-rays back which means you can't see through them. He has already made a sale. Someone called Lois Lane...

>Read the source story

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Naked Big Brother

While every other newspaper covers some story from Japan I think it is, today the Daily Star gives us news Big Bro Goes Naked.

Sadly for some women this isn’t a quote from Prince Harry, it’s a naked version of the TV show.

This could be a good idea. At least we’d be see if the brother is actually that big or not.

There would be some down-sides to it. There’s something a little redundant about telling someone they’re "live on Channel 4, please do not swear" when they have their tadger hanging out.

Producers want to find eight housemates to live for 30 days with no clothes on.

My advice, check out any town centre on a Friday.

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