Olympics Empty Seat Scandal

The latest scandal at the London Olympics is that masses of empty seats have been seen at many events.

Don't worry, some of those same empty seats keep turning up at my comedy gigs. Don't let it stop you. Admittedly, the Olympians don't get many laughs. So we have two things in common already.

Millions of people applied for tickets in the ballot but were told they couldn't have any, so these empty seats have kind of been rubbing their noses in it. It's like when you enter a lottery, don't win and later hear that some chump hasn't claimed the prize money.

The scandal before this was when we heard G4S had screwed up the security, so the organisers had to bring the army in. Now there's a scandal over the unused seats can you guess what they have done? They've brought in the army.

They are giving some of these unused seats to soldiers. You feel sorry for any terrorists. It's soldiers on the doors and soldiers in the stadia. And the people competing can throw things like javelins a really long way.

It's a good job the Arab Spring wasn't this year. "Sorry Libya, all of our armed forces are busy. They have beach volleyball at 3pm."

Still, it's not a bad idea, when things don't go well with the Olympics we call in the military. They should've done it when Rebecca Adlington was only going to get bronze. Send in the navy to torpedo the two in the lead.

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The Bad Language Hotline

Two German entrepreneurs have devised a way for passive-aggressive citizens to blow off some steam - dial a telephone number and give the person on the other end a verbal lashing.

It's a great idea. A phone number that you call and say some truly disgusting things to the person at the end. It's like Babestation but... no it's just like Babestation.

The swearing hotline, know as "Schimpf-los" ("swear away") in German, has operators standing by seven days a week for frustrated individuals to jeer at and taunt using the most unsavoury language they can muster.

I hope it still has the standard warning, "These calls may be recorded for security purposes."

Ralf Schulte and Alexander Brandenburger, the creators of the service found inspiration in their own stressful daily routines. What, they were swearing at people down a phone and thought, "Hang on. There's money in this."

It will definitely work. I get angry at people on the phone all the time and it really great. I normally wait till they have called me and tried to sell me something. Just the other day I had the classic one. Someone called from my bank, and it went like this.

THEM: "Hello Mr Allen, I'm calling from the Halifax. This is a customer service call. First, for security, can you give me the last three characters of your postcode?"
ME: "Nope."
THEM: "I'm sorry."
ME: "You called me. I'm not giving out those details."
THEM: "We just need to confirm your identity. It's to prevent identity theft."
ME: "Identity theft? I would be mobile theft too, because whoever you think I am would've nicked my mobile."
THEM: "Well, someone could be impersonating you."
ME: "Someone could be impersonating you! You called me. For all I know you are just pretending to be in a call centre. We can all put on thick accents!"
THEM: *hangs up*
ME: "Job done!"

The German service costs 1.49 euros per minute - a figure Schulte feels is completely justified. "For getting everything off your chest, it's a bargain."

And that's where the idea is genius because it can make a lot of euros. All we need to do is set one up in Greece and send Gordon Ramsay over there and we have the Eurozone crisis sorted.

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Sorry Ladies, Kim Jong Un Is Married

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has announced he is married. Congratulations! Does the bride know?

The surprise announcement ends weeks of speculation about Kim's love life. Is he, isn't he... is he actually a he? There were a lot of questions.

Recently an attractive young woman was seen with the leader at some official engagements and now it looks like the luck girl has manage to get him to settle down. Well done, you've got yourself a good Un.

She is believed to be "comrade Ri Sol Ju". And now it's only a matter of time before they hear the patter of tiny feet. Which is what happens when Kim Jong Un takes his shoes off.

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Olympics Update: It's Started, Kinda

Here's today's SomeNews Olympic Update.

Good news. A planned strike by immigration workers on the eve of the London 2012 Olympics has been called off by the Public and Commercial Services union.

Immigration workers? They're the ones who control who comes into this country, right? Having them on strike was the one thing that could've helped us win. If their strike could've left backlogs at the ports our athletes could've finally run at their own pace and got some gold medals. And the UK needs some gold medals.

It's not just about the increase morale of winning, the UK actually needs the gold. We could send it to some of those Cash4Gold places and sort out this darned double-dip recession.

And that's another piece of news, we're in the longest double-dip recession in 50 years after we heard the economy had shrunk for the third quarter in a row. If you think a "dip" lasts 9 months, stay the heck away from my tea with your biscuits. And that's good news for pregnant women. The 9 months you spend going through changes, getting massive probably getting piles... just a dip.

And in other Olympics news, it's started. The women's football got under way, even though the opening ceremony isn't till later this week. If this were the 100-metres, that would be a false start.

Not only is it before the start, it's also taking place in Cardiff. It's sexism. They make the women play their Olympic football before the Olympic starts and they play in Cardiff, as part of London 2012.

Still, it's not a bad idea. If we could move all the events to before the start, it won't matter that the immigration people will let the other athletes in, we will have already won.


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18 Cops Rescue Sex Doll

You know how you read those stories from Japan about men who live with, and love, those almost-lifelike-but-not-lifelike-enough-to-not-be-weird dolls? Well, I think China has beaten them.

18 police officers in China were sent to rescued a sex doll from a river. That shows real caring. Most of us would just buy a new one. You can get them for as little as £9.99. Erm, I assume.

To be fair, they didn't think it was a sex doll to begin with, but at some point they must have worked it out yet still rescued her. I hope they worked it out, or the mouth-to mouth on the river bank could've taken ages.

They mistakenly thought it was a drowning woman. Arms in the air, surprised look on her face. I can see where they went wrong. But the irony is, she was full of air. She was more buoyant than the 18 guys who went in to save her.

Authorities reportedly could not identify the item until they were much closer. I suppose when you see someone out in the water with slutty make up and large pointy boobs, you don't think it's a sex doll. You think it's Katie Price. But that still doesn't answer why they bothered to save her.

There were more than 1,000 people watching the rescue attempt. Onlookers were reported to have blocked traffic and prevented firefighters from getting through.

Why did the firefighters need to be there? 18 cops seems like overkill, but even if she was real, she was in a river. She was unlikely to burn to death.

It didn't need 18 officers and it certainly didn't need the other emergency services but they probably turned up because it was a sex doll. So the moral of the story is, if you go for a swim, don't use a float or arm bands, use an inflatable sex doll. If you get into difficulties you'll get much better help.

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Is Holly Willoughby Coming Round Yours

A new survey has found that the UK's favourite party guest Holly Willoughby. Well, I'm glad someone finally got to the bottom of this big issue. We still have no cure for cancer, won't don't know what happens in the Bermuda Triangle, and we can't make a UHT milk carton that doesn't try and shoot it's load all over you, but we have settled the big issue about who to invite to a party.

Why would you want to invite someone you don't know? You reach an age when hanging out with people who already know you is so much less effort.

I suppose you could invite a cele if they could bring free party food. But that means Stacy Solomon with her food from Iceland. No deal. And it used to be Kerry Katona.

Princess Kate took second place in the poll of 2,000 Brits, by McCain Wedges.

McCain Wedges? Why should they care who we have round for a party? They're just want to sell more wedges. If anything they should tell us to invite people who'll eat a lot. Forget Kate Middleton, she doesn't eat enough carbs. They're shooting themselves in the foot.

In third was chef Jamie Oliver.

If you're inviting Jamie Oliver round you won't be serving up McCain Wedges. You might as well serve turkey twizzlers and rub his face in them.

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The Olympics Are Coming

There's no getting away from it. The Olympics are here. At least I hope they are, or there's a dude running round London with a flame. The last time that happened we lost Carpet Right.

We've had months of moaning about the games being held here, which probably stems from the fact that we're paying for it and we don't think we're going to win much. If moaning about the Olympics was an Olympic sport we'd get gold, and then we'd stop moaning about them. And lose the medal... now this is confusing.

Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt has said the London Games will show the world what Britain is capable of. And he's right. Grid-locked roads, security lapses, embarrassed politicians. It's like a little mini-UK for everyone to see.

Speaking on Sky News (still close with Sky is he), Jeremy said the Olympics will boost national confidence at a time when the country needs it.

Does he mean if we win a lot of things? Because if he wants us to win a lot of medals he should get his friends in the Government to arrange another 3 mile queue at customs. If we can keep the other competitors queuing in airports we might win.

Or does he mean we'll get a sense of satisfaction from hosting the thing? We'll enjoy paying to get beaten by people? That's sounds a bit S&M. He really is a Tory, isn't he?

I hope he's right, but even if he's not it won't really matter. It's in the British nature to moan and complain, so while the Olympics are on we'll continue to pick fault with everything. But when the Paralympics start our British awkwardness will kick in and we won't be able to say anything other than, "Isn't it amazing what they do." One way or another we'll get behind it.

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P.S. During the Olympics you can read our special sporting news section. Just bookmark the SomeNews: Olympics feed.

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Aurora Shooting - A Gun Control Issue

I know this website once did a joke about a survey that said 1 in 4 men don't change their pants every day. (If you see 4 men together statistically 1 of them has smelly pants. It was Ringo wasn't it? Yep, Ringo.) I realise this isn't the place people come to read about serious issues. This site shouldn't even talk about the shooting in Aurora, Colorado at all. And it wouldn't have done if the issue of gun control hadn't followed so quickly in the news.

Within hours of the terrible attack at a Batman screening, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg (I get all my news from Bloomberg because I misunderstand that he's not the TV channel) talked about restricting gun ownership.

He said: "Maybe it's time that the two people who want to be president of the United States stand up and tell us what they are going to do about it, because this is obviously a problem across the country."

How can there be anything to talk about? Some nutter gets 4 guns and uses those guns to kill people. If he didn't have those guns he just would've been a nutter who stood up during a film. This story would've been so different if nutters weren't able to buy guns.

It turns out there is a counter arguement to this logic.

Rep. Louie Gohmert of Texas, a Republican, said the story made him wonder, "With all those people in the theater, was there nobody that was carrying a gun that could have stopped this guy more quickly?"

Oh. So this happened because not enough people have guns? Q: How do you stop sick people going out and shooting others? A: Make sure everyone has guns? What could possibly be the flaw in that argument?

Well, let's see. Imagine a society where the number of nutters is N, a positive integer. If no one had guns the number of nutters with guns would be 0. If everyone has guns the number of nutters with guns equals N, and N > 0. These are extremes but real life will lie somewhere between the ends of the spectrum, and if the number of nutters with guns is ever > 0 you have a problem.

Does Gohmert want to live in a country where everyone who goes to the cinema has to carry a gun to feel safe?

And would you want to be sat in a multiplex where everyone had their hand on a trigger? Have you seen Paranormal Activity? It made me jump and nearly wet myself. All it would take is for the main protagonist in a film to open the door on a mirrored bathroom cabinet that shows there's no one behind her, and then close it to show a figure there, and someone would let off a round.

Cinemas are tense places. Someone's mobile phone gets a text message and everyone in the auditorium hates them with a passion. We don't want to bring guns into that situation.

So, Gohmert, you wondered why someone in that cinema didn't have a gun. They did, and he was a murderer. Imagine that cinema with no guns. Imagine that country with no guns.

There comes a point where one of the things written into your constitution is used to kill people, and that should mean it's time to change it.

I probably don't know what I'm talking about. After all, I live in a country where it is very difficult to get a gun and we have never had a tragedy in a cinema like this. Two facts that I'm sure mean I should go back to news stories about pants.

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£230 For Royal Wedding Toast

A slice of toast left over from the breakfast table of Britain's Prince Charles on his wedding day to the late Princess Diana sold at auction for £230. That quite cheap compared to the rest of the Duchy Original brand.

The humble scrap was kept by a former servant of the palace as a memento of the 1981 wedding. And I suppose it is a special bit of bread. No one expects toast to last longer then the wedding. You certainly don't expect it to last longer than the marriage. Heck, this toast even lasted longer than the bride.

Rosemarie Smith, whose daughter worked for the royal family for nearly three decades, saw it after it had been collected from his room, and nabbed it. I guess it was a good idea. Put "wedding toast" on eBay and people will think it's something more than it really is.

£230 for a bit of mouldy toast is a lot though. I thought rarity determined something's collectability. If that were the case my toast will go for even more. Princess Di looked like she often didn't finish her breakfast, but I always fit it all in. If you find someone selling my second-hand toast on the web, it's fake.

The toast was sold by auctioneers Hansons to a UK buyer, a record for a piece of toast whose royal connection helped make the lone slice one of the most valuable food items ever sold at auction in the UK, a spokeswoman said.

Thankfully it had gone cold or George Osborne would've made them add VAT on top.

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Lack Of Exercise Is The New Smoking

New research says we Britons are some of the worst in the world for failing to be active. I learned this news while watching TV, so I am in no place to judge.

The new report says that 17% of all UK deaths are caused by a lack of exercise. That seems really high. Unless you're blaming the pedestrians for not running out of the way of the oncoming cars in traffic accidents.

The figures show that not exercising enough can be as deadly as smoking. Don't say that. You know what this country got like with its hatred of smokers. If the same happens with fat people we'll be awash in more rules and regulations.

If not exercising is the new smoking they'll start to make us not exercise outside. While all the fit thin people who can stand all night in pubs are let in, we chubbers will be made to sit on the sofas out the back.

They'll make announcements on flights that "this is a no obesity plane". Although that makes sense. If they charge for extra baggage with cases why not extra baggage on the people? And the announcement that "customers are reminded that it is illegal to be fat in the toilets" won't be needed. Anything more than emaciated and you can't fit in the things.

We have health warnings on cigarette packs that show us diseased lungs. So we'd get warnings before TV shows. Forget the Coronation Street sponsor adverts, we'll get the message, "Sitting On Your Ass Can Kill!" along with a picture of some salad dodger's bum.

Just over 63% of Brits fail to meet recommended levels of physical activity, but in America it's only 41%. We are lazier than America! And they have guns. Over here we have to chase after people if we want to hit them.

I've taken heed of this warning and recently I have been going to the gym to work on my core. And now, when I see the women in that gym working up a sweat in their tight lycra, I can say "core!" just like Sid James in a Carry On film.

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Woman Whose Ass Could Kill

At a time when the Olympics could face security threats, the coalition government could be falling apart and we're finding out our banks have been robbing us all, the Daily Star's front page is all about the butt.

They have a picture of a woman who has spent over £10,000 getting a bigger bum. It seems a waste. She could've had my big bum, because I don't want it. It cost me far less than £10,000 to get this big backside, although that's because I developed it before Gregg's had to charge VAT.

Her name is Vanity Wonder, which is the perfect description for her. Apparently this large bottom she has could yet kill her. And probably also anyone who gets under it.

She got that big botty by using black market silicone injections from dodgy doctors. You shouldn't do that. You shouldn't let strange men just shove whatever they want into your buttocks. And if you are OK with that... call me, y'know.

Vanity said: "It did become addictive..." She was addicted do getting a bigger bum. Is that what they mean by doing crack?

She went on: "It reached a point when it got infected. I was left with all these lumps all over my butt, it looked like a bag of oranges, so I had a choice. I could stay with this medium sized lumpy butt or keep padding it with silicone to make it look better, but whenever you pad it, it just keeps getting bigger."

I think she made the right choice, because what man wouldn't want to be with her. It's like she's got a built-in shelf to hold a pint.

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Olympian Banned From Sex With His Own Wife

Australia's Olympic team has had an interesting issue. One of its athletes has complained that he has been banned from sleeping with his own wife at the Games Village.

That seems like it is out of order. In the UK we don't ban our sportsmen from sleeping with their own wives. Heck, for John Terry, anyone's wife is game.

Shooter Russell Mark... before we carry on, is that the right job title? It's what it said in the newspaper. He's shooting at the Olympics but calling him a shooter is like calling Victoria Pendleton a peddler. Anyway...

Shooter Russell Mark has said that his wife Lauryn, a fellow competitor, has been told to stay in a separate room during the Olympics. Why is he so upset? When you go away with your partner and find out the hotel only has twin beds, be honest, do you think, "Great! I'll finally get some room to myself."

He said the Australian authorities enforced the ban following his wife's appearance in Zoo magazine. I'm not sure why that would make them want him to stop having sex with her. Unless it wasn't the lads mag, it was just a zoo magazine. If she's in the Olympics is she a person or is she competing in the dressage?

Mark said about the officials: "They are pissed with my stance on sleeping tablets."

He is pro-sleeping tablets and he thinks that's why they have banned him from having sex with his wife. If he is taking all those sleeping tablets he wouldn't be having that much sex anyway.

Mark also said: "I am very frustrated because in sport there are a lot of same sex couples and it's OK to be partners with someone of the same sex but if you are heterosexual you are penalised."

He nearly made a pun there.

The best bit is the story is where Nick Green, 'chef de mission' for the Australian team joins in. He said, "It is simply not true." That means it was just something his missus made up to get out of having sex with him.

He certainly won't be a 'shooter' during this Olympics.

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50 Shades of Beach Volleyball

Get the latest SomeNews Olympic Updates here

First we hear that the travel arrangements in London might not be ready for the Olympics, the M4 was closed and G4S totally messed up Olympic security. But now we hear the worse news about the sporting events at London 2012. Olympic beach volleyball players to be allowed to wear more clothes!

The first response is to think, "Well that's ruined the game. You only watch women's beach volleyball because you want to see some arse. It's the same reason you watch John Terry play." Beach volleyball without the sexy outfits is just a few silly shaped racquets away from badminton, and who watches that?

But on seconds thoughts, I didn't realise the volleyballers were forced to wear such sexy outfits. I didn't realise volleyball was run by some Jabba The Hutt figure who made the women wear bikinis. Next we'll spot the chains round their necks.

The International Volleyball Federation (FIVB) has said it will allow shorts and sleeved tops at the 2012 Games, along with the traditional bikinis and body suits already permitted.

The more you think about it, the more forcing Olympians to wear sexy clothing is out of order. It's not meant to be like Babestation. Although Babestation would probably cost us a lot less.

Isn't this a worrying president to set? We could see other sports bring in sexually explicit dress codes and that would not be a good idea. Three words: Topless men's darts!

Or what about No Pants Triple Jump? The men's event would be hilarious to watch but that's not what it's meant to be.

Totally naked weight lifting would be a mixed bag. It would be gross but you'd be able to tell which men have been on steroids just by looking.

And if it spreads to other sports, trouserless snooker would be unwatchable thanks to the camera angles when they're taking a tricky shot.

The modified rule will now permit "shorts of a maximum length of three centimetres (1.18 inches) above the knee, and sleeved or sleeveless tops."

So they are still forced to show quite a lot of flesh. It seems like a pointless rule that only succeeds in stopping the ladies' fundamentalist Muslim team from playing the game. And stopping the women from doing that is exactly what the fundamentalist Muslim team is happy with.

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