19/08/2012

Cats Are Mental

Cats are mental – but that's OK, so are their ownersIn the past I have written about how dogs are better than cats. The basic argument is that dogs are better because they have a sexual position named after them. Having sex "catty style" would not be very nice. It would involve doing it near my bin bags in the middle of the night while I'm trying to sleep.

But today there's news that makes me feel worry for the soulless beasts that would eat you if you turned your back on them for too long.

New research suggests that cats that pester for food could be suffering from psychological condition. So when you think your cat is showing you affection at dinner time by rubbing round your ankles he is actually doing the cat version of making a wicker basket while dribbling.

A group of vets say cats that show too much eagerness to be fed could be suffering from the newly-diagnosed condition of "psychogenic abnormal feeding behaviour". It means the cat's obsession with food has driven it to the edge of insanity. You know, like it's on the Atkins.

They are basically saying that the few signs of connection or emotion that domestic cats display to their owners are signs of being mental. And that's where I step in to defend the humble animal. It's not mental, it's just settling into a long term live-in relationship.

The vets says that attention-seeking behaviour, such as rubbing up against its owner, is a symptom called "excessive solicitation of interspecific interactions".

No. As a bloke I can tell you that rubbing up against the person you live with when you want something is just a natural way to do it.

In that respect we men are a lot like cats. We'll rub up against you if you're stood in the kitchen. If you're sat watching telly, we'll try to bury our heads in your laps. And if you don't give us what we want, eventually we'll go out chasing birds.*

And sometimes we bring that bird home and leave it, covered in blood on the carpet, for you to find in the morning.


* Anyone not from Ipswich should leaved that metaphor at this point.

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