Boasting School For Girls

Schoolgirls at Wimbledon High School are to be given lessons in "boasting" because there's a theory that women don't get the top jobs in business because they don't show off.

I'm pretty good at showing off. Erm, I mean, I'm very good at showing off. Damn it. I'm out of practice, I lost my skills.

Even if the theory is right I think we're fixing the problem the wrong way. Instead of teaching men to be polite and contrite we're teaching the women to be more like the pain in the arse, up their own arses, total arses like businessmen.

And we're teaching all of them to be show offs, not just the few who want to go into business. The whole world will be like the early stages of The Apprentice. When you meet people they'll proceed to tell you how they are "a powerhouse of innovation", that they "eat, drink and sleep success" and how they swapped their "can do attitude" for an "already have attitude" because they're so brill.

These are the kind of people that when you send them a text asking how they are and they do a typo in the reply saying, "Hi. I'm god," you think they might have meant it.

Fixing the gender gap by making women as rude as men seems like fixing the North-South divide by making northerners as unfriendly as Londoners, or fixing Third World poverty by throwing all of our food away. Worried about the conditions of workers in China? Join my new Fairtrade campaign to make people in British factories have no breaks, safety checks or pay.

When this plan totally backfires on us remember who warned you about it. You read it here on the greatest news commentary website there is.

Oh look, I got my skills back.

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