Ryanair Wants To Fly In The Ash

The i reports how Ryanair chief Michael O'Leary still wants to fly his planes in the dust cloud.

That's what I like about Ryanair, they're always trying to cut costs by stripping things away, and now they've taken basic safety. "Ah, will ya be wanting safety with your flight? Right so, that'll be extra, so it is."

He has claimed a test flight his company carried out proves the 'red zone' of high ash concentration was 'non-existent, mythical and a misguided invention'.

Just because you can do something once and get away with it doesn't mean you'll always be safe. Or many Roman Catholic families would have fewer children.

It's all the fault of those pesky Icelanders again. They Grimsvotn volcano erupted and the ash is causing us problems. It's not the first time something like this has happened and let's not forget Iceland also just decided they didn't want to repay all the money they owed us. After we put up with all their s**t and they still didn't give us 12 points in the Eurovision.

Planes have been grounded because of the ash cloud but Ryanair said it was time to resume normal services after its one hour flight at 41,000ft over Scotland revealed 'no evidence' of ash on the airframe, wings or engines.

I love that we check the sky above Scotland for any traces of dust. It's like pay back for what Aggie MacKenzie from Kim and Aggie has done to us.

But the Civil Aviation Authority said the Ryanair plane had not in fact flown into the 'red zone' after its flight path was studied on radar.

No, it flew somewhere that was miles away and you had to take a 3 hour coach ride to actually get to the red zone. It is Ryanair after all.

>Read the source story

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Podcast 16 - Ken Clarke, Super Injunctions and Bin Laden

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 16. It's a look at some of the items in the news with a different take.

In this podcast...

The breaches of the super injunctions
Bin Laden's demise
Ken Clarke's big mistake
And the return of The Apprentice




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Ken Clarke Is Sorry (But Not For The Right Reason)

Ken Clarke has managed to get himself in the news for rape. And this is at a time when Dominique Strauss-Kahn is in the news (Former leader of the IMF – you know, the band that did You're Unbelievable*), so it's no mean feat.

It was a classic piece of PR suicide. The Government had a new plan to give people who plead guilty up to 50% off their sentences. Like a Blue Cross sale of crime.

Instead of being honest and saying, "We're doing it to save money. If you plead guilty and save us the expense of all that court nonsense we'll let you out early. You scratch my back... Bosh!"

But someone had the idea using the example of a rape to make us think it's a nice, kind, warm and fluffy piece of legislation. By giving incentives for guilty pleas it would spare some victims of rape the horror of the trial.

All good spin so far. That was till he want on the radio to talk about this. The host pointed out that with a 5 year sentence, 50% off, good behaviour and early release programmes that guilty rapist could be out in just over a year.

Now, instead of saying, "We have a legal system where judges can pass sentences to make sure what you just described never happens," he phrased it more like, "I don't think you get 5 years for a proper rape."

"A proper rape," "a serious one," "you know, a good, old-fashioned, jumpers for goal-posts..." OK, he didn't say the last bit but he might as well had. What an idiot.

Don't get me wrong, there has been idiocy on both sides of this argument. On the day it happened there was someone on the news who actually said, "I think it's terrible that Ken Clarke can say that some rapes aren't as serious as others. All rapes are serious. Some are even more serious."

Since it all kicked off her has apologised on nearly every TV show going. (I'm still waiting for him to pop up on The Weakest Link. "Ken, what R is a crime with no varying degrees of severity?")

He went on Question time and said: "I obviously upset a lot of people by what I said and I'm sorry if I did, by the way I put it."

But you know what, not once has he said sorry for trying to use our empathy for rape victims to sell us their idea to save money in the courts and prisons, freeing up much needed cash for duck houses and moats no doubt.

>Read the source story

* Not really. If you see Dominique Strauss-Kahn don't shout "You're Unbelievable" at him, it won't help his trail.

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Rooney Fights Fan

Today on the front page of The Star it's:

"Furious Rooney Threatens To Knock Out Fan"

Really? This is news? He only threatened to knock him out. Let's remember what Ashley Cole did. If no one gets actually shot it's not news.

This is because Wayne Rooney got into a war of words with a fellow Twitter user.

Of all of the different types of wars, one based on words seems like the war he has the least ammunition for. Now, a war of keepy-uppy, that's something he could do.

It was an odd Twitter back and forth. Wayne actually told his adversary that he would have him "asleep within 10 seconds".

Is that a threat of a fight or is he taking him to a Kevin Costner film.

In Rooney's defence this nutter of a fan called him a "fat whore" on Twitter.

There is no need for that. Wayne is not fat!

>Read the source story

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More Pippa Middleton's Bottom News

Pippa Middleton is set to have a day dedicated to her bottom.

What, Darren Day? He's got previous.

On September 9th, the Friday after Pippa's 28th birthday, the tens of thousands of people who have joined Facebook societies dedicated to her bottom will be devoting a day to admiring her curves.

I'm not sure what we're meant to do on Pippa's Bottom Day. On Pancake Day we all have some pancakes, so on Pippa's Bottom Day, she's going to be busy.

The Pippa Middleton Ass Appreciation Day was the brainchild of Jimmy Wevell, who described it as the time when Pippa will join the 'buttocks hall of fame'. So far over 150 people are 'attending' the day.

That's the depressing thing about this whole story. Her bottom has more friends than I do. And more people want to 'poke' it. Actually, that last bit isn't so surprising.

>Read the source story

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Pippa Middleton's Pant Problem

The Middleton family have taken action to have pictures of Pippa Middleton in her undwerwear withdrawn after the racy photos of her appeared in the US press this week.

Thank god it wasn't Kate's pants who were shown in the papers, or loads of kids in the Far East would have to knock up copies of those, and they've only just finished doing the dress.

The Middletons were reportedly 'furious' at the 'betrayal' of friends who had taken the pictures, then sold them to photographic agencies.

Hang on. Forget being upset by friends selling the photos, why are friends taking pictures of your kids in their pants? That's wrong. You can tell your daughter is all grown up when friends actually want to sit through pictures of her bath time.

Poor old Pippa. She was propelled to stardom by her role as maid of honour as Kate married Prince William, and by the figure-hugging dress that made her bottom a Facebook hit.

I'm sorry, but if you can become a friend of someone's bottom on Facebook it shouldn't be called Facebook. That's not a face. It looks like it's smiling but it's not a face.

>Read the source story

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No To AV

The Guardian says "No to AV..."

It's a shame because the Guardian liked AV. It was one thing in the news they couldn't spell wrong.

They say it was an "Overwhelming 'no' vote in AV referendum."

I was hoping for a 'Yes' after what David Cameron said. He said that AV was more complicated that the first post the post system. Good. I think voting should be complicated to stop stupid people having a say.

With the AV system you'd put numbers in boxes to order your preferences. I think that should be linked into a Su Doku. If you can fill it in you can get to have a say in the running of the country.

It makes it a bad day for Nick Clegg. Not only was the change to AV rejected but the Lib Dems didn't do well in the local elections. They get about as many votes as a Britain's Got Talent contestant who hasn't had a recent death in the family.

The Guardian also says it's a 'yes' to trouble after the SNP won overall control of the Scottish parliament. Why is that trouble? It's good that they could have a referendum on independence for Scotland.

The only thing I think isn't fair is that it's only the Scottish who'd get to vote in it. Why don't they ask the rest of the UK? Ask us if we want to vote them off the island.

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Podcast 15 - The Royal Wedding Special

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 15. It's a look at some of the items in the news with a different take.

In this podcast...

It's the Royal Wedding special, looking at the TV coverage, the after-wedding party and some high-ranking interviews. We also take a look back at our coverage of the run up to the wedding.




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Imogen Thomas Super-Injuncted

Poor old Imogen Thomas. She is the woman who had an affair with a footballer and when they split he took out a super injunction so she couldn't sell her story.

What! How is she supposed to make any money then? She put the time in, sleeping with someone who graces the back pages, so when does she get paid for it?

Not that I'm saying people who sleep with married footballers try to sell their story. *coughs - Wayne Rooney - coughs*

And not that I am saying she is the kind of person who tries to get famous for doing nothing. *coughs - she was on Big Brother - coughs*

In some ways you feel sorry for her. The only other person who's famous for a super injunction is Andrew Marr. Some people who only skim the news might think she slept with him. Ouch.

And she has been looking for sympathy. She was on This Morning crying a while back, and now in her interview with Zoo Magazine Imogen said: "I've taken a lot of abuse. I've been called a whore, a sl*g, everything."

Well, that's what some footballers say when you're in bed with them.

But I don't want you to worry too much. Yes, she can't sell her story about her six month affair with a married Premiership star, but it's OK. She's been selling her story about how unfair it is that she was hit with the super injunction. Sorted!

>Read the source story

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Breast Milk Cheese

People in New York can try breast milk cheese. It sounds more like a medical condition than a foodstuff but they're selling it at a New York gallery.

The Lady Cheese Shop is a temporary art installation by Miriam Simun, a graduate student at New York University who hopes to use the craft of cheese-making to raise questions about the ethics of modern biotechnologies.

So it's more of an art thing than an actual eatery. That's why we were told not to play with our food, it ends up like this.

Simun said: "Cheese is the conversation starter. Some people are loving it, and some people are gagging."

I know it's fine but it makes me feel a little queasy. It's made from milk from other humans. It's like a vegan version of cannibalism.

Why are we seeing this fascination with breast milk? It's not just the NY Man Cheese, there's a place in London that sells ice cream made from human milk.

How long till this craze goes too far and a private IVF company brings out the human omelette?

>Read the source story

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Swearing Is Good For You

The British Psychological Society has new research that says swearing could be good for your health.

If that were the case Gordon Ramsay should heal like Wolverine.

It also explains why Popes always look so old and unhealthy.

The research found that a group of people who swore rarely were able to withstand pain for 45 seconds longer while swearing than when they weren't allowed to swear.

Don't tell people this. The Government will use to for more NHS cut backs. If you're in paid they won't give you morphine, they'll just prescribe two f***s with every meal.

And with my cooking you already get that.

>Read the source story

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The Royal Honeymoon

The Daily Mail tells us: "£4,000 A Night Honeymoon."

That doesn't seem so expensive. Wayne Rooney would spend £1,200 a night before he's even paid for the room.

It must be difficult for them. Most people will a balding Englishman and his posh brunette partner and instantly think, "It's Kirstie and Phil doing their Vacation, Vacation Vacation show."

So, while the Daily Mail is saying that the new royal couple are spending 4-grand a night on their honeymoon, we also hear that they're only having a couple of days away.

How bad is this recession that even our monarchy can't afford 10k on a holiday? Maybe they should sell off old thing that they don't use any more. Something that the Americans like and no one over here will miss. You know, just like they did with Fergie.

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Royal Wedding Party Update

The Sunday Mirror has details of what happened at the late night palace party following the royal wedding.

Harry got emotional. Well, that happens when you're drunk. It doesn't matter how emotional he got, as long as he didn't dress up in his favourite 'uniform' and try to invade Poland, it was a good party.

The paper also says William only danced with his new bride for 30 seconds. They say you can tell what a man is like in bed by the way he dances, so that's bad news for Kate.

Although they must have a good sex life really. You don't get hair like William has without the friction from a headboard playing a roll.

And the newspaper says they were having Crack Babies till 3 in the morning.

That's the one thing Wills and Harry have in common with the people who go on The Jeremy Kyle Show. Well, that and the fact they could really use a DNA test.

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