MP Eric Joyce, Political Heavyweight

This is a shocking news story. MP Eric Joyce has been charged with three counts of common assault after an alleged fight in a House of Commons bar.

It's shocking because MPs aren't the kind of people who normally get involved in fights. But then you read on and find out that Eric Joyce is the MP for Falkirk. Oooooh. Yep, he's not helping the Scottish stereotype by having a scrap. And then you remember where this all happened. In a bar. Also not helping the Scottish stereotype.

He punched a Tory, which I was surprised to find is actually illegal. I thought there was a by-law that lets you punch them, like the one about pregnant women being able to pee in policemen's helmets. In fact, if you combine those two laws we'd have something worth watching. "She's desperate Boris, and your hair looks absorbent."

We don't know the details of what set Eric off. There are reports that he's having trouble with his marriage and other reports say David Haye was there stirring it up.

Eric was also suspended by the Labour Party, but do you know what, I think he's the first person to make politics exciting to the young voters. It's added some much needed drama. A lot of people think what goes off in the House of Commons is all that "ayes to the right, nos to the left" business.

Now it's "eyes to the right, nose to the left", and that's just the other guy's face.

>Read the source story

Read More

Would You Eat A Test-Tube Burger?

Scientists are going to make a burger from stem cells. I hope those stem cells weren't going to be used to cure someone's Parkinson's. "Are you going to be finished that cure, because I'm famished?"

The "test-tube burger" will be the first beef patty ever created in the laboratory and it will cost £207,535. Over 200-grand for a burger. I know food inflation has been a problem, but come on. And for that money I'm assuming it comes with fries.

It raises an interesting ethical issue, would a vegetarian eat it? It's meat, but it's not made from a real animal. Although I get the feeling the same could be said for the "meat" dish in my local takeaway. They just call it "meat" on the menu. If you can't even pin point the genus or species, I'm not putting it in my mouth.

What I like about this story is that it shows the true nature of mankind. When we first heard about stem cell research people campaigned saying, "With technology like this we'll end up playing God." Nope, we end up making ourselves a sandwich.

>Read the source story

Read More

Dolphins Are People Too

There's a new political movement to give dolphins and whales the same rights as humans because they're so intelligent.

If intelligence was the only thing that makes your a person the people you see on The Jeremy Kyle Show could be turned into tinned food.

Experts at the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science said cetaceans — dolphins, porpoises and whales — should get the same status as us humans.

"Whales and dolphins should have legal rights," said the Guardian. "Dolphins should be recognised as non-human persons," said The Telegraph. And "Dolphins to claim benefits and get free house," said The Daily Mail.

They presented a Declaration of Rights for Cetaceans. But they should realise, even the international declaration of human rights means nothing. Sure, they won't be able to torture dolphins if they are captured as prisoners of war, but American will still capture them and send them to Guantanamo Bay.

Although, good luck to the Americans if they do that. You'll be there all day if you try to waterboard a dolphin.

>Read the source story

Read More

GPs Cheat With Ghost Patients

The front of the Daily Mail says: GPs Make £162m Out of 'Ghost Patients'.

Well that's a con. What can a doctor do for a ghost? They're already pretty dead. Prescribing antibiotics is kind of locking the stable door after the horse has bolted.

And if you're a doctor how do you treat a ghost? Tell them to open their mouths and say, "Aaaaaaaaaaagggghhhhh!" (imagine that with some reverb too.)

But it happens. While some of the 'ghost' patients have just moved away from the area yet stayed on the books, some others have actually died. We're paying doctors on the NHS to give healthcare to dead people.

The doctors still get £100 for each dead patient even though they don't actually go to see the doctor. That's a shame. If more dead people went for a check up the waiting rooms would be enjoyable quieter. But the smell would stay the same.

And if they went for tests it would really lower the average results. "Oh, I have an above average lung capacity, do I doctor? Because I can breathe? Interesting." Although it would make me even more above average weight.

We have to sort this. We simply cannot have a system where doctors get paid for dead people, because do you know who's responsible for making a lot of them...

>Read the source story

Read More

Taken For A Ride - The M25 Tour

I hate tourists. Well, I hated the film based on one. But sometimes I feel sorry for them. They get charged extra, they get sold utter rubbish and they get death threats in London just for standing on the left of an escalator.

Now the plight of the tourist has hit a new high. A company is selling a coach tour of the M25 orbital motorway. The tourists are paying good money to sit for hours on the M25 in a coach. You can get the same experience if you buy a coach trip to anywhere that involves driving on a coach.

I suppose, in these troubled times it could be value for money. They say it's a 4-hour sight-seeing tour of the M25, but most days it'll take a lot longer than that to drive round the M25.

Trip organiser Simon Ashcroft said: "The only reason people hate the M25 is because they don't embrace it. They don't give it enough time."

Don't give it enough time? I've wasted hours of my life sat in the roadworks between J22 and J16. I've queued up for so long in the "average speed camera" stretch that I worked out I could hit light speed from J17 to J16 and it still would push my average over 50mph.

Simon Ashcroft also said: "We have found out some amazing facts. At the Bell Common tunnel there is a cricket pitch on top of the motorway. But you cannot actually see it." Not really getting the idea of a sight-seeing tour.

But well done to the company. If they can get tourists to part with their money for a drive on a motorway they're going to be rich. I want in on this action. That's why I'm opening up my own money-spinning tourist-exploiting business - The British Queuing Museum, just line up here to buy your ticket...

>Read the source story

Read More

Nomophobia

Have you ever heard of "nomophobia"? I know, it sounds like a fear of kids these days finding things tasty. They always say "nom nom". What was wrong with "yum yum," like in the good old days?

Nomophobia is actually a new condition that's affecting more and more people. It's the fear of being without a mobile phone.

Forget nomophobia, it's more like nomophonia... because you have no mo phone and.. ah, forget it.

Symptoms include losing your cool when you don't have reception. It's an acute feeling. Unless you're on T-mobile when it's more of a chronic condition.

We've all suffered it. You leave the house and realise that you have left your mobile at home. All the time you're out your worrying about all the people who will be trying to reach you, all the texts that will be beeping, all the voicemails piling up. And then you get home and find "No missed calls". You don't notice that you're not popular minute by minute but when you store it all up for the end of the day it's a right kick in the teeth.

Two thirds of those surveyed said they were afraid of losing their phones, with women 9% more likely to have the fear. Maybe they just feel the fear more often because for the first 10 seconds of looking in her handbag she thinks she's lost her phone.

I saw a woman franticly searching for her mobile in her bag saying, "I lost it. Oh god, I've losyt it. I've lost my phone!" While it was ringing!

Phobia therapists suggest treatments such as going phoneless for a while. Or use your phone as soon as you get out of a tube station. You'll be phoneless before you realise.

>Read the source story

Read More

UK Water Shortage

We could be getting hosepipe bans in Britain soon. Now, before you panic too much, they only ban you from using a hosepipe with water. You can still beat whoever you have chained up in the cellar.

Yes, we're facing the worst drought since 1976. Darn it. If only all that snow that covered the entire nation was made from water or something.

Environment Secretary Caroline Spelman said that after two dry winters, South-east England is officially in a drought. We're amazing. We get rained on and drizzled on all the time and yet we manage to have a drought. It's like when you hear about those fat people who don't eat vegetables, so they're massive but still suffer from malnutrition. We're a rainy island having a drought. We're suffering from early-Pauline Quirke style irony.

East Anglia has been in the grip of a drought since last autumn. Next month the Environment Agency is to name more areas under threat.

Let me guess. Areas in the UK that are probably suffering drought will include Birmingham, the Lake District and the North Sea.

I don't really mind the hosepipe ban, I rarely water anything, and I don't mind the ban on sprinklers, as long as that doesn't include ones that put out fires in big buildings if that's where I'm working. What will be annoying is the advice on how to save water we'll have crammed down out necks in the coming months.

They'll have us sharing baths with neighbours, only flushing it if there's flies on it and drinking orange cordial neat from the bottle. And after all the advice from the water companies on the news, they'll go to the travel update and we'll hear about some road closed because of a burst water main.

>Read the source story

Read More

Dereck Chisora vs David Haye

The Star goes with the story of the boxers David Haye and Dereck Chisora who got into a post- match brawl.

What? Two fighters, who made a career out of hitting people, work out all the time and are probably more full of testosterone than the average bollock, these fighters... got into a fight! Hold the front page!

Oh, that's right, no need to, because this story actually got onto the front page.

Here's what happened. Chisora lost a heavyweight title bout to Ukrainian Vitali Klitschko. After there was a press conference where he and Haye got into it. As it said in the paper: "Former champion Haye first traded insults with Chisora at a press conference. But minutes later their goading had turned into a chaotic and bloody free-for-all."

Another surprise. They war of words didn't last long. I'd assume that's due to a lack of ammunition.

During a press conference, Chisora said Haye was "an embarrassment" in front of the media, adding "How's your toe?". He said that because Haye's defeat at the hands of younger Klitschko brother Wladimir last year was blamed on injured toe.

Breaking a toe is a serious thing for a boxer. It stops them counting to twenty for a start.

Haye then called Chisora a "loser". To which Chisora shouted, "tell that to my face", not understanding that his face was already in the room, so that's what Haye had just done.

Chisora then waded into the crowd and the pair went head to head. An ugly scrap broke out in which Haye appeared to swing his right hand, which was holding a bottle. It was a bottle of orange juice though. Legal experts say Haye could get some prison time for fighting with a dangerous weapon.

Was it even glass, or is it considered dangerous because it might be Sunny Delight?

Film footage appears to show Chisora emerging from the melee brandishing a glass bottle, and he said he was going to "physically shoot David Haye". So, he's not an expert in using a bottle, but he's getting there.

And the latest twist is that David Haye is now on the run from German police. Police quizzed Chisora but it looks like Haye has already headed back to the UK. Last night the British Boxing Board of Control was set to launch an investigation into the incident.

Good, they need to sort this out. As many have been saying, this act of violence has besmirched the good reputation of beating people up for a living.

>Read the source story

Read More

Dog Gets Credit Card

Most days there's a news story that makes me feel poor. We hear of some bankers getting a bonus of more than I'll ever earn, or we hear that petrol prices are going up, which really makes my arson hobby expensive. But today there's a news story that makes me feel so poor I want to cry.

Kelly Sloan received a letter saying that his dog, Spark, could be eligible for a $30,000 limit credit card.

That dog can get better finance than I can. They think his dog is more likely to repay a loan than I am. I feel like Greece right now.

And to make things worse, the dog has been dead for the last 10 years. So it's not like Spark has been borrowing and repaying for the last decade the build up a good credit rating. It's been buried in the back garden and yet still has better credentials than I have.

The letter read: "We're not offering our low long-term rate to just anyone." That's true. In fact, you're not offering it to anyone at all. You're offering it to a dog.

Don't give a dog a credit card. It'll only use it to buy Acme products in a bid to catch a cat or something. And if you do give a credit card to a dog, don't give it to a normal dog. Give it to a guide dog or a police sniffer. At least they're working dogs. It's credit to the non-working that caused this recession in the first place.

I'll tell you whose fault this is, Harry Redknapp. During his court case we heard that he had thousands paid into a bank account in his dead dog's name. Now banks are thinking dead dogs are the new market.

The dog's owner, Mr Sloan, said: "They've got the right name, the right address, and it's a heck of a deal. She can apply online today, and I guess, get her card."

Spark was a female? And they're just giving her a credit card? I made that mistake once. Still paying it off now.

>Read the source story

Read More

Adele's Sex Tape

On the Star we read, "Adele: My Sex Tape Horror".

I know it's not but I like to imagine 'sex tape' is like 'tit tape' just for lower down. In case anyone ever invents the flowing, loose mini skirt, sex tape could hold it all in place.

Throughout the years many celebs have had sex tapes. Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, Ann Widdecombe. OK, that last one was actually CGI. I had some time on my hands.

Now Adele is to sue a French magazine after it published fake photos it claimed came from her sex tape.

It's obviously not real. She's just had throat surgery, remember. She was told to rest it. I'm sure that doing that counts as taking solids.

The magazine claimed the stills came from footage taken on a smartphone. That's the trouble with sex tapes these days, they're just done on phones. At least Pamela used a camcorder. And Paris had a night-vision for some reason. It was like a security tape of a fox going through the bins.

Adele's lawyers have said: "Our client has not appeared in a sex tape as claimed in the article. Our client does not appear in the photographs."

I totally believe her, because look at the options. Maybe she filmed the sex tape. But we should remember, she went to the Brit School in Croydon. She was taught about multimedia things. I'm sure she'd use a mini DV camera and edit it on a Mac.

Or it was her bloke's sex tape and she didn't realise he was filming it. That makes sense if it's a hidden camera, but it was filmed on a phone. If someone gets their smartphone out during sex you'd at least think, "This is an odd time to be tweeting. What's he writing? 'I'm rolling in her deep. LOL'?"

The more likely option is that it's not her on the tape. But this whole thing can't be nice for Adele. Remember, her entire career so far has been based on a failed relationship and about how she can't find a man. And then she finds out that someone who looks just like her managed to get some sex, and there's video evidence of it. Basically, what that's telling Adele is, it must be your personality love.

Don't worry Adele, we know it's not you in the sex tape, but it is "Someone Like You", which seems ironic.

>Read the source story

Read More

Goats Have Accents Too

Scientists have found that goats have accents. Which explains why there's never been a successful goat judge on the American X Factor.

According to a recent study by Queen Mary University of London (tut, we can't even blame American scientists for this) goats acquire different "accents" depending on where they're put to pasture.

So they don't even have to be born in that area to pick up the accent? Ah, they're putting it on. It's like if you go to a posh party, you put on a fancy accent to blend in. Or when you see people on council estates being interviewed on the news. It's like they're making up for a lifetime of dropping Hs by using them all up when they're on the telly.

And if you know you're being listened to by academics from a London University you'd make an effort. Basically these goats are doing their telephone voice.

Researchers found that as the goats grew older and moved with different herds, their voices changed to adopt the specific call of their new herd. They're doing it to blend in and try to be popular. It's like Mark Watson pretending to be Welsh to launch his career.

Before this study, it was believed that only a few types of mammals, such as humans, elephants, and dolphins, were able to develop new accents. And let's be honest, not all humans can develop new accents. If they could I'm sure Birmingham would sound a lot different by now.

>Read the source story

Read More

Half-Human, Half-Sheep

A sheep has allegedly given birth to a "half-sheep half-human" baby in Sokoto, Nigeria.

Half-sheep half-human? Dude, that shepherd is going to jail!

A local newspaper reported that after vets delivered the odd-looking lamb at Fakon Idi Veterinary Clinic on 22 January, thousands of curious onlookers were drawn to the clinic.

You'd want to have a look if you knew it was nearby. If something looks a bit freak you have to check it out, which is why we watch the Jeremy Kyle Show every day. Sadly where I live the closest thing to a part-man part-sheet creature is me in a jumper.

Nigerian Security and Civil Defence Corps (NCDSC) had to step in to disperse the crowd, who were demanding the owner of the sheep to identify himself.

I'd look for the guy with a red paint mark on his stomach. That's how they tell which sheep have been mated with.

However "mutant" looking lambs have been birthed before, notably in Turkey, when a sheep was helped by vets deliver a baby with a head that appeared to have human features. Although the lamb remained alive for some hours, spooked locals eventually slaughtered the animal.

So basically it looks like sheep are on the edge of a breakthrough in evolution to become like us humans. In fact they may already be here but they are too shy to come forward. Yep, they're probably a little bit sheepish.

>Read the source story

Read More

Podcast 30 - Capello vs Redknapp, The Cold & Pizza Addiction

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 30. It's a look at some news that's hit the headlines recently.

In this podcast:

The England Football saga with Fabio Capello, Harry Redknapp and some racism. (@01:35)
The UK was plunged into an ice age, and it's coming back. (@07:58)
Do you have pizza addiction? (@12:49)





More Options
  Subscribe on iTunes

Download the mp3

Download from the back-up server

Get email alert when new podcast is released

Subscribe to the RSS feed

Get the podcast via bit torrent

Listen via the SomeNews Android app

Email this podcast to a friend

Pass it on  

Read More