I was lucky enough to attend the premiere of the new film Holy Motors. It was the day after I went to the screening (you can read the review of Holy Motors here). While we didn't get to speak to the director, and the lead actor wasn't there, little Kylie Minogue turned up.
It was amazing to see her in the flesh. OK, I had pangs of guilt as I remembered the role her 2004 official calendar played in my development. Wow, July was a very good month. I didn't get a tan that year.
It wasn't the smoothest of red carpet interview environments but you can hear what happened below.
Good news students, as you plough head-first into a life of debt, Nick Clegg is sorry about the whole tuition fee thing. I'm sure that's made you feel much better.
Speaking ahead of the party conference in Brighton, the Deputy Prime Minister said sorry for supporting a rise in fees when the party had pledged not to support an increase before the last General Election.
But to be fair to him, he's a Lib Dem, and he never thought he'd actually have to follow through on any of the promises he made. He's lucky they took "a free hover-pad for everyone" out of their manifesto.
It now costs students up to £9,000 a year to go to university. At first I didn't care because I have already been through uni, but then I realised I need to think about the next level. If I have kids I just pray they're as thick as pig sh*t. I can't afford anything else.
Clegg said: "There's no easy way to say this: we made a pledge, we didn't stick to it - and for that I am sorry."
As ever with politicians, the wording is key. It reads like he's not saying sorry for breaking the pledge, he's sorry he made the pledge in the first place. That's like an unfaithful husband who doesn't apologise for sleeping with his secretary, but he says sorry for repeating the vows after the vicar said them.
For all Nick's talk about not doing things to help the rich, the tuition fee issues really did. The definition of being rich isn't just "having lots of money", it's "having more money than everyone else". If everyone can go to university and get a good job there's a bit of a leveling effect. More of the poor can earn OK money. But if only the already rich can afford to give their children the benefits of a tertiary education they'll be the only ones who earn the good money. And that means the "job creators" can get away with paying the low earning poor such a small wage.
There's only two ways to stop someone like me thinking this. One is to prove to me that the Government really has my best interests at heart, and the other is to stop people like me getting a proper education in the first place. I think they're going with Plan B.
Back to Nick Clegg, he said: "We made a promise before the election that we would vote against any rise in fees under any circumstances. But that was a mistake. It was a pledge made with the best of intentions - but we shouldn't have made a promise we weren't absolutely sure we could deliver."
If only the Royal Mail stuck to that rule it would be a step in the right direction.
Airport body scanners that show the passengers naked are to be scraped. I'm not surprised. Have you seen the general public? If your job involved looking at them naked you'd want out too. It must be like watching specialist porn.
The security system failed to get EU backing apparently. And normally Europeans are all for checking out nudity, as Kate Middleton found out.
The problem with the old system was, people didn't like the idea of some security guard sitting in a room somewhere looking at their naked outline. But did anyone really think they'd be perving over their pics? They may show you naked but not in a normal way. If you're lying on a bed in the nude, maybe you look good. But if you're filmed with you clothes still pulling some bits in like a super market chicken you're not going to be stored away in some guy's Royal Bank of Wank. However stunning I'm sure you are, blurry in black and white with your bits squished, you're not going to beat the internet when it comes to "things to perv over".
The plan is to use a new "privacy friendly" system. That's a system that can still film you naked but no human actually watches it. Hmm, nudity but no one watches. They should call it "Big Brother".
This is a worrying story. A couple were lying in bed when a car crashed through the wall of their house into their bedroom.
I've woken up to find some scary things next to me on a Sunday morning, but they were always people. Imagine coming to, rolling over and finding a silver Lexus in bed with you. You'd think, "Wow. I must've been desperate."
Apparently the car left the road near their house in Epsom, Surrey, hit their car which acted as a ramp and launched the Lexus into the air. And as it was a Lexus you know it didn't even indicate before going into their house.
I expect the driver's statement includes the phrase, "I was driving along and this house just came out of nowhere."
In the newspaper it quotes one neighbour as saying the car sounded like "a plane falling out of the sky" when it crashed into the family home. Good call. Most people have never heard a car crash into a house, so what's something that we can all relate it to? Oh yeah, that common sound of a plane falling out of the sky. If that neighbour has actually heard both maybe he's the jinx.
The driver of the car and the two passengers were taken to hospital with minor injuries, but the family inside escaped without a scratch.
It seems terrifying, but as it was in the morning I probably would've been too groggy to realise the true horror. I would've leaned over and hit the bonnet to snooze it for 9 minutes.
I travelled in to the Soho area of London to see a screening of a new, challenging piece of French cinema that was a big deal at this year's Cannes. I was feeling pretty fancy pants. I drank my pre-show espresso with an out-stretched pinky that day. But I came back down to Earth with a thud when I realised what this film reminded me of... Quantum Leap.
It's the jumping from one life to the next that makes it feel like an arty version of Quantum Leap. I half expected the start of each vignette to have Lavant's character, Monsieur Oscar, say, "Oh boy!" Well, maybe the subtitles would print it and he would say, "Oh garçon!"
With each scene comes a different cinematic style, although these could've been more pronounced. It always had that very French, morbid feel to it. And I'm not being harsh in calling it morbid; the main character dies three times but it doesn't seem to bother him. It makes the start of Crank 2: High Voltage seem realistic.
This film makes David Lynch's Lost Highway look sane. And there's a shot of headlights lighting up the road ahead that reminds us of that fact.
I stuck with it and I thought I started to get it. Our lives can be seen as performances, all linked together, and the limos are the divine link that exists between all humans. I even understood a scene that may have had an interesting comment about the wearing of the burqa in France. Yep, I was finally starting to understand what it had to say. And then we saw Monsieur Oscar is married to a chimp and I just gave in.
Lavant certainly shows he can act the pants off the good looking Hollywood set, and this is a treat for the eyes and a bit of the left-brain. And this is where the split comes. If you're a fan of experimental French cinema this film would be right up your street and a big 5-stars from you. And if you are, you probably already know about it and won't use this site for your info.
If you're not into this kind of cinema it might leave you thinking, "And what was the point of that again?"
Oh, unless you're not a Kylie fan, in which case you get to see her die. Oh boy!
One in three men are so fat they can't see their own penises.
Looking on the bright side, if you have ever seen a picture of a naked fat man you'll know he's not missing out on seeing that much.
A shocking 33 per cent of 35 to 60-year-olds are so overweight that their manhood is hidden from sight when they stand upright and look downwards.
Of course you have to be careful with news stories like this. This data has been spun by the health nazis who keep telling us to eat less and do more exercise. It could also have been spun this way...
"A shocking 33 per cent of 35 to 60-year-olds have such small tadgers that their manhood is hidden from sight when they stand upright and look downwards."
But you won't hear that story in the news because big business makes money out of selling diet products, or something like that.
The figures show more than 5.6million men in Britain are potentially dangerously overweight and risk knocking up to nine years off their lifespan through strokes.
Strokes? Yeah right, while they can still reach it.
Meanwhile a staggering 44 per cent of those aged between 51 and 60 fail the ’spot the penis’ test, says the research. But that could be down to failing eyesight. This is a complex issue.
This is in the news because of a new campaign by the website WeLoveOurHealth.co.uk which has launched the "Big Check". They say it's an easy DIY test that men can do to see if they're worrying obese.
I'm not so sure. If you haven't seen your penis in a while, you're fat but don't let it get to you. But if no one has seen your penis in a while, that's when you really need to worry.
Heidi Klum and Seal are getting divorced and it looks like it's turning into a war of words. Although a war of words between an 80s singer and a supermodel could run low on ammunition.
Seal said that she was "fornicating with the help" because she had a fling with her bodyguard.
At least she's giving him an incentive to keep guarding her body. It makes for a good worth ethic. And why not? Most couples meet in the workplace, just because she's the workplace shouldn't be a problem.
It's good that she has someone who cares for her and it looking after her during this period. And most bodyguards aren't just thugs. They are trained in interpersonal skills, survival, and even mechanics.
If her car breaks down the bodyguard will pop the hood, take and look and say, "Looks like you've blown a seal."
And she'll say, "Well, before we were married, but less so after."
Respect Party leader Salma Yaqoob has resigned and quit the party, blaming a "breakdown in trust" at senior levels.
A breakdown in trust? It kind of seems like what that party is lacking is some "respect". It's ironic that what the party lacks is exactly what the party is called, but it's not the first time it's happened.
The Tories once ran a successful ad campaign that said "Labour Isn't Working", which highlighted the irony that a party called Labour had given us unemployment, and wasn't a protest by new fathers who'd just got home from a hard day's work to hear all about how "tough" the birth was.
Right now the Conservative Party aren't managing to "conserve" much when it comes to the National Health Service.
Recently I got a leaflet through the door about the Green Party.
It seems that whatever you call a party, the reverse will at some point become true. That means that the Monster Raving Loony Party are probably a sensible bet for the next election. And it's not just in politics, all party names are wrong. Ever had someone throw you a surprise party? I bet they did it near your birthday. How is that a surprise? That's exactly when you'd be expecting it. If you're going to throw someone a surprise party do it near your birthday, not theirs. It'll give then a surprise and give you a nice night out.
Maybe I'm reading it wrong, maybe the Respect party is all about having self-respect. Hmm, George Galloway once wore a leotard on TV and meowed like a cat for our entertainment. Nope, it's clearly not about self-respect either.
Kristen Stewart is in Vogue and in there we find out some details about her former relationship with Robert Pattinson. Apparently he used to like to lick her armpits.
I know what you're thinking, "That's wrong." But it's not as wrong as being unfaithful with married film director Rupert Sanders, just to put it into perspective.
She said it was because they enjoyed each other's smell. I guess that makes sense. It's the logical conclusion to all those Impulse and Lynx adverts. If members of the opposite sex are willing to run through traffic just because of your deodorant when they get there they'll tuck in to where you sprayed it.
I should point out that the last paragraph is not based on any real science, before blokes start spraying full cans if Lynx Africa down their pants.
But it does seem odd. In fact it's on my small list of "things I can knock before I try". Besides, even if I wanted to try it I don't have Kristen's number.
May be it was method acting. Robert played the vampire Edward in Twilight. For a vampire licking under Bella's armpit is like when we dip our finger in soup for a taste.
So, for all of those girls who went weak at the knees thinking about being with Edward, remember he'd be licking your armpits whenever he got peckish. But Jacob was like a dog, and they go round sniffing the bums of anyone they fancy, so maybe the armpit licker is the lesser if two evils.
The new film version of Anna Karenina comes out on Friday and I was at the premiere in London. The red carpet was lit with chandeliers which added to the period feel of the film. And the weather held out as the celebrities arrived.
Members of the cast such as Jude Law, Keira Knightley, Matthew Macfadyen and Aaron Johnson were there along with the director Joe Wright and the screenwriter Tom Stoppard. (See pictures below) I got to have a quick chat as they dashed in to see the film and I got some snaps, some audio and even some video.
You can listen to the interviews below, or download the mp3.
They say "never start with an apology," so I'm sorry to have to do this. I went to see the new film version of Anna Karenina without reading the original book by Tolstoy. It's just that I'm a slow reader in my 30s, there's a strong chance I would've died with this as my great unfinished film review.
The new Joe Wright version starring Keira Kinghtley and Jude Law; it's the story of infidelity and its affects on some Russian aristocracy in 1870. On the way to the screening I was hearing news reports about state of the UK economy and it's hard to care about the plight of some rich, very dead, people. But this film soon draws you in and you realise it's not about their situation, it's about the emotions we all have. If everyone who had or considered having an affair went to see this film it would be the biggest grossing picture of all time. Heck, even Jude Law would have to pay to see himself.
While it is a film based on a book, the style of the film is more like a play. The scene transition are often done by the extras moving the scenery around. At the start this feels like a gimmick to make this not just another period drama (keeping Knightley employed) but when the pace picks up it's a nice way to convey how swept up in it all the characters are. Wright shows us that all the world is a stage, it's just a shame Tolstoy wasn't the one who coined it or it would've been a very clever directorial trick.
Jude Law is the one doing the acting masterclass in this as he rarely gets to raise his voice but shows all the emotions bubbly under. I wonder what he draws on to play someone who is forgiving of infidelity? Hmm. Maybe the end of his relationship with Sienna was just method acting way in advance.
It's nice to see Brits who aren't all playing super villains. OK they're playing Russians, but it's a step in the right direction. And it is a long film, but it's written by the guy who wrote War And Peace so what was I expecting?
It's interesting more than gripping and it's basically an artistic and well acted Jeremy Kyle Show. But it has good morals without ever being preachy.
I was lucky enough to attend the premiere of the new film Holy Motors. It was the day after I went to the screening (you can read the review of Holy Motors here). While we didn't get to speak to the director, and the lead actor wasn't there, little Kylie Minogue turned up.
One in three men are so fat they can't see their own penises.
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