The Right To Stab A Burglar

The Tory Party conference is on and Chris Grayling has been getting a lot of the headlines. He's talking tough, saying "Two strikes and it's jail for life", which would really ruin the sport of ten pin bowling.

There has also been a lot of talk about a home-owners right to defend their home. And I assume that includes people who rent too, or they'll have to call up their landlord to get him to come round to stab their burglar.

The standard stand-up position on this is to say it's bad, but I don't like to have the same opinion as everyone else. Besides the number of cases that this would apply to is so small (7 in the period 1990 and 2005), so if you want make up some laws you can go for it. I don't mind the right to physically attack burglars, it just makes me think, "How can I get Jedward to burgle me?"

People say, "What if that man was stealing to feed his family?" Well, that's the point of the welfare state. We pay tax so people don't have to steal from us to get food. It would be nice if Jimmy Carr chipped in more, but that doesn't mean I should just let people have a go in my fridge.

Chris Grayling said he is changing the law on self-defence at home, so that it's only a crime if the home-owner uses "grossly disproportionate" levels of force. That means that "disproportionate" levels are perfectly legal.

Wouldn't it be better to say "proportionate" things are legal? Even if it means we class some more Chuck Norris-style bits of self-defence as "proportionate", I think it's best we don't let "disproportionate" become an acceptable phrase.

Police: Have you been drinking, sir?
Man: Yesh, ocifer, but only disproportionate amount.

So, what is a "grossly disproportionate" thing to do to a burglar? Well, according to David Cameron it's OK to knock out a burglar, it's OK to stab a burglar, but it would be "grossly disproportionate" to stab a burglar who is already knocked out. Well, yeah. Who'd want to do that? Not even Liam Neeson in the film Taken goes round being that much of a nasty piece of work.

You don't need to stab a burglar after you have knocked them unconscious, unless you're also cooking them and you want to see if they're done.

Mr Cameron also revealed that he had himself been the victim of several break-ins, including an incident in which the intruder also stole his car keys and used his Skoda to take away the spoils.

I have to say, if you rob the millionaire David Cameron and get away with a Skoda car, maybe burglary isn't for you.

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Pusher Film Premiere [Red Carpet Interview]

I was at the premiere of the new film Pusher. (If you want to read my review of Pusher look here.) It's the story of a drug dealer in London who thinks his life is going OK, till a few things go wrong, and that starts a chain of events that get very very bad for him.

The cast and crew were there, as you can see from the pictures...


And I got to have a chat with some of them. Have a listen in a player below...



Or downloads the mp3 here

There's a lot in this one, so here's a list of who I spoke to and what time that bit of audio starts.

Nicolas Winding Refn 00:09
Luis Prieto 01:12
Zlatko Buric 05:22
Richard Coyle 06:56
Bronson Webb 10:24
Mem Ferda 11:59
Agyness Deyn 14:35

Paul Kaye is in the film too, but if you don't turn up to a London premiere when you live just round the corner you don't get a mention on my little website. He'll cope, I'm sure.

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Pusher is released in the UK on October 12th 2012.

Hear details of the red carpet premiere when I appear on the Sunny and Shay Show on BBC London 94.9 Saturday (13th) after 8pm, and read my full review here.

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The Bristol Pound

Just when you thought nothing could make the Euro look like a good currency... The Bristol Pound has been launched.

Organisers hope currency will encourage shoppers to buy locally, and it could really work because you can only spend it locally, to the rest of the country it's just funny looking paper.

It's not all shops that have joined in with the scheme, so if someone gives you a Bristol Pound you can only use it in a few places. It's basically like getting a gift voucher for your birthday.

"Happy birthday. I didn't know what to get you, so I've just ruled out where I don't want you shopping. "

The £B1 note isn't the first scheme of its kind, a scheme where something else is used instead of proper legal pounds. It joins the Totnes pound , the Lewes pound and cigarettes in prison.

The Scottish pound is actually legal tender and no one wants that, so the concept of a Brizzle pound is a stretch.

Some people have got behind the idea though. Like Lynn Andres, from Guy Fawkes Hair & Beauty, who said the Bristol Pound is not a gimmick and will bring new custom to her premises, saying the city needed to fight back after a mall heavily populated with chain stores opened recently.

Wow. When a woman who names her business after Guy Fawkes says she wants to fight you, it's time to worry.

>Read the source story

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Film Review: Pusher

The remake of the 1996 film Pusher is about to hit our big screens. To make things simple it's called Pusher, and even has some of the original cast. But this version is set in London, a location that lends itself well to the story. I'm not sure the London tourist board will be showing this drug culture film to bring people in though. Well, it would bring some people in, with lots of stuff crammed up their cavities.

The original Pusher was violent and gritty, and this one has those elements, but I'd say the better description is "stylish". There's a fight scene in a club that turns into dancing halfway through. It's West Side Story filtered into constituent parts.

The film certainly doesn't have the feel of a musical though. It's more like Human Traffic. Richard Coyle plays the titular drug pusher, called Frank (...talk to Frank). His performance is stunning in this. It's like a marathon. He's in every scene, putting the effort in as his character drops to some pretty dark depths. I bet he needed a lie down after this film.

Frank's life starts out looking good. He's making some money pushing, he has a best mate Tony (Bronson Webb – doing a bit of a Rhys Ifans in Notting Hill), and he's dating Flo (Agyness Deyn). And if you're dating someone who looks very much like a famous model, you don't have that much to complain about.

But then things start to go wrong. He gets in trouble with Milo (played by Zlatko Buric again, who is so good I think he should get his own spin-off sit-com). Frank just keeps making mistake after mistake. He owes Milo a lot of money and he has two days to repay it. It's a shame it was written in 1996, before Wonga.com existed.

Seeing a film set and filmed in London in a cinema in London probably added to my enjoyment. There's nothing like seeing your bus home used in a scene to make it seem so real.

It's pacy, it's stylish, and it's delightfully British. If you have never seen the original, watch this film, it means you don't need subtitles. Some people have said this film is like a modern day Trainspotting. And if you have never seen Trainspotting, watch this film, it means you don't need subtitles.


Pusher is released in the UK on October 12th 2012.

Hear details of the red carpet premiere when I appear on the Sunny and Shay Show on BBC London 94.9 Saturday (13th) after 8pm.

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The UK Has A New Squirrel

In squirrel news: A new type of squirrel has been found in the UK, the brunette squirrel.

The brunette squirrel is actually the fourth type of squirrel we have in Britain. That means squirrels could do their own version of Sex And The City. There's a brunette one, a red haired one, a third one and a big American one who's grey and is always after some nuts.

The new type can be identified by its size, it's colouring and the fact it has a lot less fun than any blonde squirrels.

There isn't a blonde one of course. There's a native red one, the American grey one, and the third one is the black squirrel that should really make the grey one feel guilty for what they did.

And we can now add to that a brunette one. The brunettes are a subtype of Britain's native red squirrel, Sciurus vulgaris, which is now confined to small areas with only an estimated 120,000 remaining. It's because the grey one came over here from American and that killed the British ones off. Or as the grey squirrels called it, "friendly fire".

>Read the source story

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David Blain's Shocking New Trick

David Blaine is doing another stunt, which is what he is famous for. When I hear mention of his name I think, "stunt". Well, something like that.

He is currently (that's a pun that most won't notice) stood on a platform in New York in a high-voltage Tesla coil with electricity running through his body. But it's really low current. There's no risk to it. It's the same thing that happens when I wear my cheap shoes on my nylon carpet. It's a shame that he didn't let his hair grow long before doing this. He could've had a wicked electro-afro.

But what's the point of that? You're meant to do a trick that is so impressive it makes the people who are watching have their hair stand on end, not yours.

He'll be stood on this platform for 73 hours without food. So it's the same trick that he always does. He just stands around doing nothing for a few days. He's like a supply teacher.

In the past he has famously sat in a glass box in London for weeks. If I wanted to see someone do nothing behind glass I'd try to get served in the Post Office.

During his time on there he will have to urinate through a catheter. That's why no one has done these feats before, no one wants the world to know they're weeing in a catheter.

One onlooker said, "I don't know if he's really feeling something or if it's like those volts that you can touch and nothing happenings." Yeah, as long as he doesn't earth himself he'll probably be fine.

And that explains why he needs a catheter. If he took a normal wee while on that platform the fluid would hit the ground and earth him. That would be painful. His tadger would end up looking like an exploded trick cigar in the Tom and Jerry cartoons.

>Read the source story

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Man With Eel Up His Bum

Favourite story if the week has to be the one about the man which went to the doctor with an eel up his bum. I bet that stopped him singing Novocaine For The Soul.

However sorry you feel for the man you have too feel more sorry for the eel.

It was in New Zealand and the newspaper that reported it said, "It is unclear how the creature became stuck inside the man." Don't even bother asking, the story always goes the same way. "I was hanging the curtains in nude the when I slipped and landed on [name of object]."

There's so much wrong with that excuse.

1: The one time you wouldn't walk round you're house naked is when you didn't have the curtains to draw.
2: You wouldn't hang the curtains when nude because of the slight chilly draught.
3: You wouldn't want your neighbours to see you naked while hanging curtains because of shrinkage. (See point 2 about the chilly draught.)
4: If you slip and start to fall you clench.
5: Who leaves a lubed up [name of object] just lying around, pointing up, near a window?

Anyway, he went to hospital, was sent for X-rays and a scan, and they confirmed the creature was firmly lodged up his tradesmen's.

Doctors managed to remove the eel. I'm not sure how but for the man's sake I hope it wasn't using the "There was an old lady who swallowed a fly" technique.

In case you don't know, that's based on a children's nursery rhyme where a woman swallowed a fly (you probably guessed that) but then she swallows a spider to eat the fly, because we all know spiders eat flies.

If you you tried the same with the eel guy you'd have to think of something that famously eats eels. All I can think of is Cockneys. Ouch!

>Read the source story

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Woman With 8-Hour Orgasms

There's a story in the news about a woman who suffers from a rare medical condition who has multiple orgasms that last for up to 8 hours.

That might seem like a good thing at first but the more you think about it the worse it gets. As a bloke the idea of an 8 hour orgasm is terrifying. It would mean losing so much fluid I'd look like a human sultana. Unless it would be possible to drink protein shakes quick enough to keep up, but then I'd be like a sex version of a cherub water-feature.

And an 8-hour orgasm for a woman may be less life-threatening but imagine the hassle when she doesn't have one but feels she should fake one to spare the man's feelings. That's a longer performance than Ken Dodd does.

The married mum – who was in a TV documentary – faces a constant battle to avoid erotic urges after being diagnosed with Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome.

Well, she's married, so that should help.

She said, "If I had no self-control I don't know if I would ever leave the house. Whereas most women are like 'Not tonight honey, I have a headache', I am always: 'Okay – let's go!'"

So by her own logic all she needs to do is give herself a headache every night and she'll be fine. I have a Celine Dion CD that always works for me.

It said in the newspaper: "Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome is known to affect less than 100 women worldwide – although many victims suffer in silence and new cases are being diagnosed all the time."

Well, when they say "silence". There is probably some noise like, "Oooh " and "Ah". I know what one sounds like, honest.

Another sufferer featured in a TV documentary on this condition said: "I think there are a lot more women out there than anyone can imagine - who are too ashamed or embarrassed - who think they are the only ones."

Or too busy enjoying the porking.

She said she was left fuming when one inconsiderate medic laughed at her. She said: "He had a good snigger about it. I said it's not funny, how would you like it if you had to walk around with an erection 24 hours a day?"

She's right, that would be terrible. God, I'd hate to be a teenager again.

>Read the source story

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Citizens Ordered To Flush Toilets On Monday

Residents of Zimbabwe's second-biggest city have been asked to flush their toilets simultaneously on Monday at 7.30pm. That could take some serious planning. It means they'll have to take the laxatives about 4pm.

The plan is to get everyone to flush at the same time to help the sewers. A lot of them are blocked and it is hoped that the synchronised flush will clear them out. It's a risk though. We've all been in that situation when maybe you have used too much paper and not everything goes down, so you have to take a gamble with that second flush. Maybe it'll flush it all away, or maybe the blockage will win and the water level will rise up. Well, they're taking that risk on a city-wide scale. If it doesn't pay off I'll be reporting on wide-scale flooding.

Authorities in Bulawayo, the country's second-largest city (ironic they go straight to number 2), have appealed to residents to flush their toilets to clear built-up waste. The city's mayor says the mass flush will be a weekly event.

Only weekly? They want to get more fibre on the go.

It could work. If everyone flushes at the same time if will create a large blast of water. It's like, if everyone in China jumped up and down at the same time it could cause a tidal wave. There are probably some people in Japan who still think that's what happened.

But it won't just be a big splash that it causes. If everyone pulls the chain at the same time it will also be the loudest flush ever. Anyone on their way into Bulawayo will think, "I'll give it a minute."

And of course, there's another famous side-effect of flushing the loo. You have to feel sorry for whoever is in the shower at 7:30pm on Monday.

>Read the source story

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Man Cuts Off Hands To Stop Stealing

An Egyptian man cut off both his hands to stop himself stealing.

Right now his nose is hoping he doesn't have a falling out with his own face.

Ali Afifi had tried to stop nicking stuff but he couldn't, so he decided to take the matter into his own hands (oops, phrasing) and make it so he couldn't steal any more. He cut off his hands. If only there were some other way like, not taking stuff.

He went to the main train station in the western Egyptian town of Tanta four years ago and waited for the train to come his way before putting his hand under its wheels. His dad then had him sent to an asylum, but when he got out he cut off the other hand.

I suppose it shows a level of commitment greater than most of us could ever manage. We struggle to cut down on carbs or to stop smoking and have limited success. Credit where it is due, he does something drastic that will totally work. High fiv... ooh, actually, don't.

For his sake I hope he doesn't walk past a hotel room where someone has left their nice slip-on shoes outside.

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The Truth About Your Teeth [Dental Expert Interview]

A new survey has found that many grown adults believe some pretty stupid myths when it comes to cleaning their teeth. If you're reading this in America you will be unsurprised that this survey was done in the UK as you think we have bad teeth. If you're reading this in Scotland you'll be unsurprised that this survey was done in England as you think we have teeth.

Let me ask you some questions and see which you think are true or just myths.

Do you think you should always brush after a meal?
Do you think brushing can wear away tooth enamel?
Would you brush less if you had bleeding gums?
Do you think the tooth fairy should be charged with breaking and entering?

To find out all about this I interviewed Damien Walmsley, Professor of Restorative Dentistry and a Scientific Advisor for the British Dental Association. If you want to hear the answers to the above questions, and find out the truth behind the myths, listen to the interview below.



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Free Tesco Basket?

A Tesco supermarket has had 500 of its shopping baskets stolen after a 5p charge for plastic carrier bags was introduced last year.

If it's true that Tesco brought in the charge to stop people using as many plastic bags, then mission accomplished.

The store in Denbighshire, north-east Wales, has just 16 baskets left following the surge in theft.  The store has been hit hard since Wales became the first place to introduce a 5p charge for all plastic bags in supermarkets last October.

I understand the thefts on one level. 5p for a crappy bad that splits if any of your items aren't spheres isn't a good deal, especially when they give you a metal basket for free.

And a metal basket is even better than a bag for life, because it could actually last you all life. The bags for life I've bought in the past lasted under a year. Thanks for the vote of confidence Tesco. I know you know I buy some bad food but I should last a few more years.

The tax on plastic bags has seen the number given away by shops fall by up to 96%, according to figures released in July. Good for the environment. Till you add in the environmental cost of making all those metal baskets.

And what happens to all of the baskets? Do people in Wales have a cupboard in the kitchen overflowing with metal baskets, kept "just in case"?

Joking aside, it's wrong. For the sake if spending a little money the locals are nicking baskets and causing everyone inconvenience. Think about it. Why steel a basket when for just one pound you can get a trolley?

>Read the source story

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Is Kate Middleton Not Pregnant?

There's no getting away from Kate Middleton at the moment. If you heard the last podcast you'll know I saw the headline "Duchess of Cambridge Topless" and I couldn't work out which one the Duchess of Cambridge was. I thought that was Camilla so I was worried.

Then I actually saw the photos, and I couldn't work out which one the Duchess of Cambridge was. "Is that Kate or Wills? It's a pale, skinny person with no boobs, it could be either!"

But then I worked it out. The pictures have been published in many places throughout Europe and I've seen them so many times they're etches into my memory. I would say they're stored in the Wank Bank, but given who she is they're in the The Royal Bank of Wanking.

And now there's still no rest. A celebrity gossip magazine has said that Kate Middleton is pregnant. Their front cover is a picture of Kate and the headline: "It's Twins!" Which is exactly what I said when I saw the topless pictures.

I honestly don't know if this magazine is right or not, and I don't care. I've looked into it and even if she is pregnant we don't get another bank holiday. I guess it would be nice to have a new royal, but if she is already pregnant and those were her pregnancy boobs on that balcony, I kind of feel sorry for William.

So, what evidence does the magazine have? She was spotted, wait for it... drinking water!

Gotcha! Why else would a land mammal who originally evolved in the oceans, need to add water to their body? What's more likely, she's pregnant or she was thirsty? It's pregnant all the way, right?

And Star Magazine also tried to prove she was up the royal duff by showing she had the beginnings of a baby bump. But pictures on the internet show the same picture without the bump. So it looks like she has been airbrushed to make her look pregnant. And here's the stinger in the tail. The belly that they have electronically added to her to make her look like she is carrying twins... is still smaller than my natural belly. Ouch!

>Read the source story

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