Rooney's Crying Shame

The Mirror says Wayne Rooney cried after having a 3-in-a-bed session with two escorts. If they were £1,200 each, I'd cry too. I hate it when I pay over the odds for something I could do DIY at home.

A source said: "Wayne and his friends used to get a directory sent up from reception and pick out what took their fancy."

How old fashioned. I use Google for everything these days. Of course, if you Google "£1,200 escort" you get sent to AutoTrader.

The new girl who teamed up with Jenny Thompson said: "Wayne told us he'd never had a threesome before. He didn't want us to put on a lesbian sex show. He was more into two girls pleasuring him at the same time."

Well, he does play better when he's up the middle.

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Let's Get Physically Violent And Sent To Jail

Normally I like to write about news stories you may have heard of already but this one doesn't stand a chance. I was so shocked by the lack of a story in this news story I had to mention it.

A guy wearing a T-shirt that said, "Let's Get Physical", hit someone. And the paper thinks that's news?

It was a simply coincidence. It would be news-worthy if the guy went home first to change into a T-shirt that fit his actions. "You're throwing me out of this pub? Right, you just wait there. I'll be back in about half an hour dressed differently, and then you'll be sorry."

I love the idea of him going through his wardrobe trying to find the T-shirt that best fits his emotion. "Frankie Says Relax? No way! I Shot JR? Could be."

It's not even as if he hit the guy because his T-shirt told him to do it. No one treats the slogan on their top as a "What Would Jesus Do" bracelet. "This guy's really annoying me. What should I do, oh wise Fruit of the Loom?"

He's not the first guy who did something that just happened to fit what it says on his shirt. Wayne Rooney is sponsored by Nike, and their slogan is, "Just Do It".

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Ricky Hatton's Drugs Shame

It's a Sunday, it must be time for the News of the World to ruin another celeb's life.

Yep, they're saying that boxing legend Ricky Hatton has been caught on camera snorting cocaine.

Tut. Doesn't he realise that snorting cocaine can really mess up your nose... oh, he's a boxer.

That's a bit like warning Ozzy Osbourne that a diet low in omega 3 could affect his brain function.

Ironically photos of Hatton have been emblazoned on taxis all over Manchester promoting the Crimestoppers campaign, urging the public to shop lawbreakers.

I bet he's glad he didn't do the adverts for the Terrence Higgins Trust.

Rickey went on a shocking 10-hour drink and drugs binge. According to the newspaper, he poured a white powder on to a table top before cutting it into three massive lines with a credit card. Finally he expertly hoovered them up his nose through a rolled up £20 note.

That is more evidence that our sportsmen get paid too much. He should have to snort it through a £5 note like we all do.

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Rooney Update‭ ‬-‭ ‬It's Coleen's Fault

According to the front page of the Daily Star today, Wayne Rooney says: "Preggers Coleen Drove Me To Tarts".

That's ridiculous.‭ ‬Surely he could afford a taxi.

I know it can be tricky if you ask the taxi to wait.‭ ‬You don't really enjoy your visit because you're aware that the meter's running.

It's typical of a man to blame his other-half when he cheats.‭ ‬Wayne says it's because she was pregnant.‭ ‬Some guys get the symptoms of sympathetic pregnancy.‭ ‬Let me guess,‭ ‬Wayne had some strange cravings too‭?

But the football love rat still said sorry in dramatic style yesterday by filling their‭ £‬5million mansion with flowers.

What card do you send with those flowers‭?

Roses are read
tripe is offal
I just had to prove
I could score in a brothel

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Katy Perry Sees The Light

Katy Perry admits she is afraid of the dark.

She probably has to avoid standing in the shadow of Russell Brand's hair.

Katy even has to sleep with the light on unless she is with her fiancé.

Really? I'd sleep with the lights on when he was there. It's the only way to be sure he doesn't slip out.

Katy said: "I think a lot of evil things go on in the dark. I still have to cover my toes because I'm like that kid who thinks there's a witch under my bed who's going to eat my tootsies off.

I guess you're not too worried about anyone trying to eat your knockers off.

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Working Trip To Wiltshire

I was working as a cover radio presenter for the first few days of this week. It was a bit of a drive to Wiltshire so I stayed in a B&B, which meant I had some time on my hands.

This is how I wasted that time. I made a video of my working trip to Wiltshire.

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Jenny Thompson - The Rooney Vice Girl

The woman who Wayne Rooney paid for some sexual action has said she has slept with 13 other footballers.

Wow. She's the only woman whose fanny has a transfer window.

It says in The Star, "Vice girl Jenny Thompson was a 'magnet' for flash players in the trendy bars and clubs that she trawled."

She must have loved having sex with Chelsea players. Give them a tap on the ankle and they go down for ten minutes.

According to a source in the newspaper: "She deliberately targeted footballers because they're so rich, flash and fundamentally not the sharpest pencils in the box."

Yeah, and half way through they change ends.

The source added: "Some she really fancied and had genuine one-night stands with. Others she thought nothing of charging. She went missing from one bar with one of them and came back saying she'd given him a quickie in the loo and charged him £75.

But she charged Wayne Rooney £1,200.

I know he's not a looker but that still seems harsh. It would've been cheaper for him to just put a bag on his head.

Listen Jenny, if you don't like the look of someone, don't charge more, just face the other way. Actually, if she was facing the other way... that would probably cost more.

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Tony Blair Left With Egg On His Face

Tony Blair has cancelled a high-profile signing of his new book, "A Journey", because of fears of people throwing "missiles".

It actually said missiles in the paper. He had shoes and eggs thrown at him. If the missiles he used to attack Afghanistan were mainly shoes and eggs there wouldn't be the big mess happening over there. Although it's a hot country, so there would be a large, leathery omelette.

Eggs and shoes were thrown by demonstrators at a previous signing in Dublin and anti-war groups had promised a mass protest outside Waterstone's in Piccadilly, Central London. Tony said he cancelled the singing to spare people the huge cost.

He's right, because the kind of people who'd go on an anti-war demonstration aren't the kind of people who would buy the cheap caged hen eggs.

I think that's what happened in Dublin. Someone threw an egg at him and his bodyguard shouted, "Duck!" but the egg hit him and Tony said, "No. I think it was a Norfolk Grey."

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Wayne Rooney - No Point Crying Over Spilt Man Milk

With all the work I'm doing on radio at the moment it's very annoying that I can't talk about the Wayne Rooney story. Let's be honest, he won't be listening to the breakfast shows I have been covering. He'll be too busy making breakfast in bed.

But those are the laws that govern radio broadcast in the UK; I can't repeat any allegations made in print. That makes sense. He's a footballer. He's far more likely to listen to someone saying words than actually read them.

But on the web I can say what I like, so here goes.

Yep, it's claimed that Wayne Rooney slept with a £1,200-a-night prostitute, Jenny Thompson, while his missus was pregnant.

OMG. I'm shocked. I didn't know he could count that high.

He spent the night with her but I imagine that was 5 minutes of sex and the rest of the night spent counting out twenties.

Normally it's Coleen who wastes lots of money buying things when she already has something at home that's slightly older but it would do.

According to the Mirror today Wayne wasn't even apologetic. It says when Wayne confessed to his missus he made it out to be "no big deal". And a family friend said: "Coleen never expects him to be Mr Emotional, but he just mumbled an apology as if he'd just spilled a glass of milk."

A whole glass? Well, he's still a young man.

Do you know who I feel sorry for in all this? Peter Crouch. He cheated on his missus with a £800-a-night escort. How cheap does he look now!

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Lady GaGa Hospitalised

Lady GaGa has been in hospital six times last year because of her yo-yo dieting.

It's no surprise because there are very little vitamins, minerals and essential fatty acids in a yo-yo. It's just plastic and string.

I'm joking. I know that's not what yo-yo dieting is. It's when you go on an off of some really strict diets. It's a bad name for it because surely yo-yo dieting should be a better title for bulimia. As soon as the food goes down it comes up again. Now that's like a yo-yo.

And when you get really good at it you can do tricks. If you position your hands just right while you're trowing up you can do Rock The Cradle.

GaGa's tour manager, David Ciemny, said: "When I say she was sick, I mean physically and mentally."

She wears doilies over her face, often dresses up as a tree and even calls herself GaGa. And you didn't already guess she was a bit mental?

Last week Lady GaGa caused some upset when she said she sometimes uses cocaine because it aids creativity.

With a nose like that she should be on her seventh novel by now.

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'It's Over', The Coles

Cheryl Cole will be granted a divorce from her footballer husband. That's good news if you have fancied Cheryl. She's now free to do what her husband was doing for the last few years.

In the paper it said her divorce would be a "quickie" from Ashley.

She's not the first woman who can claim to have had one of those.

They separated in February following allegations about the sportsman's infidelity. In January 2008 it was revealed that he had slept with hairdresser Aimee Walton.

I have never been with a hairdresser but I do worry that they try to have inane conversations during the act. "Oooh yeah, ooh yeah! Oooh, have you been anywhere nice this year?"

Although it would be worth it if, when you've finished, she gets a mirror out to show you the other angles.

In February this year it was in the news that Ashley bombarded women with naked pictures of himself from his mobile.

It makes David Beckham look like a saint. He only send rude text messages, he didn't know how to work MMS. And in Beckham's defence, if I had a voice like that I would flirt via text.

The Cole's will split their £20million fortune equally but Cheryl will get the dogs.

I'm sure he'll get some once he hits the nightclubs again.

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William Hauge - I'm Not Into Men

William Hague issued an extraordinary statement hitting back at gossip about his sexuality. There had been rumours that he was having a gay affair with a special adviser, Christopher Myers.

I don't know why he took it all so seriously. As a fellow bald man, if someone implies that you are getting any sex you take it as a compliment.

The Foreign Secretary admitted he shared a hotel room with his special adviser while campaigning for the election.

As a nation, we're so childish. We drag the politicians over the coals for spending too much on their expenses and then, as soon as one makes a saving by sharing a hotel room, we go, "Er, sharing a room with a man? You love him!"

We might as well have said, "William and his adviser sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

William said rumours they were having an affair were false and mean spirited and declared he had never had a relationship with any man.

I think I can see how this got out of hand if someone from a newspaper spoke to someone who worked for the hotel.

REPORTER: Which room is William Hague in?
JANITOR: He's in room 201 with another man.
REPORTER: He has men who travel with him and stay in the same room?
JANITOR: Oh yeah, he has aids.
REPORTER: Ooooooh!

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Tony Blair - A Cheap Journey

Tony Blair's memoir is out. I can't wait to read it. As if living through it wasn't painful enough, you can now read the highlights.

It was originally going to be called "The Journey" but it was changed last minute to "A Journey". It's a small change but the right one.

"The Journey" implies there is only one journey, whereas there are actually loads of different journeys. I travelled back from Scotland this week. That was 'a journey' and not 'the journey' because at no point during the flight did I meet Noel Gallagher and invade a foreign country without due provocation.

Blair's book is already on sale for less than half price. It was meant to be £25 but WHSmith seem to think people will only be willing to pay £10 for it.

That must be because of the recession. I bet he wishes he had sacked Gordon Brown now.

Still, I don't think Mr Blair really worries about the book. He keeps himself busy. He's off to America to receive the Liberty Medal from Bill Clinton, a prestigious award given to people who pursue the "ideals and values upon which the United States was founded".

But Tony started a war that exploited the people native to a foreign land to get access to the natural resour... oh, I see. Carry on.

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