Donna Air In 'Too Stupid' Legal Defence

Donna Air has been cleared of fraudulently applying for a parking permit after her lawyer argued "there was not a lot going on in her head".

If that's a legal excuse then the cast of The Only Way Is Essex could get away with murder.

The television presenter was accused of breaking council rules for having two permits for her car. It's against the terms and conditions and by having two the prosecution said she could've saved herself £5,700 in parking fees.

Wow. I think the real crime here is that you could have to fork out £5,700 in parking fees! That's more than my car is worth. It would be cheaper to just buy a car and leave it there.

Her barrister, Benn Maguire, told the jury at Isleworth Crown Court that she was not the sort of person to read forms properly. "I hope she will not criticise me," he said," but at the time there was not a lot going on in Ms Air's head, other than hot air.

Of course she won't criticise you. Like she's ever going to read the court transcript.

Donna claimed she had someone to do things such as form filling in for her. She said: "Since I became single, I have a girl who comes in and helps with the mundane things."

She hires a woman to do the horrible tasks no one else wants to do, and that gets her out of a fine. When I do the same... it's called prostitution. Tut.

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Wee Flavoured Egg? Urine Luck!

Don't know what to get that relative who's hard to buy for? Why not try this? In China's Dongyang city, hard-boiled eggs soaked and cooked in young boys' urine are enjoyed as a springtime snack and health tonic.

I have never tried a boiled egg that's been cooked in wee, so I shouldn't really criticise, but who was the first person to try this? If someone says to you, "You should really try this pissy egg thing I've invented," that's one thing. But if you're sat around bored with an egg and a kid who's just finished a whole bottle of Sunny Delight and you think, "I know what I could do..." you're a wrong 'un.

Every spring in Zhejiang province, the urine of young boys is collected and used to cook eggs. Talk about taking the p... never mind. Vendors say it takes an entire day to make the delicacy.

Well, if I knew that many people were waiting for me to go, I'd probably struggle to relax the plumbing.

First the eggs are soaked in the urine and then boiled. Step 3 isn't the predicable, "Then throw them away and get some proper food." The next step is to crack the eggs and continue to simmer them for hours. You're eating an egg in piss and you're worried about the eggs being under done? Yeah, who knows what you might catch.

Apparently the pee-soaked snacks promote better blood circulation. If ever my blood stops you can hand me a wee-wee-egg, Till then, I'll pass.

It's easy to mock but in this country you can get food in some restaurants that has young man's urine in it. Just go to a Nando's and be rude to the staff.

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Ref Gives 5 Red Cards... In The Dressing Room

A referee sent off five players in the dressing rooms after a post-match brawl at an English League Two game between Bradford City and promotion-chasing Crawley Town.

Let's break this down. A referee sent off five players, in a room that was already "off". It's like when my mum once said, "Go to you room" when we were in my room.

Maybe he used the red card to mean "you can't go back out and play". But it was a post-match brawl. They'd already finished. That's like a German saying, "For you the war is over" on VE day.

A brawl is obviously wrong, and I won't defend it, but why does the ref think he still has authority after the game has finished and not on the pitch? Does he go through life like that, giving red cards to people he doesn't like? In the middle of a row with the missus, "Yellow card. You can't bring up things I said 5 years ago and... red card! You know that only happened once and I'd been under a lot of pressure at work!"

Or does he think he's in charge of making sure people shower properly? If you're getting changed and you get a red card for your "nasty tackle", maybe you really do need that early bath after all.

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Osborne Says Eat Cold Sausage

It's not been a good time for prices. Petrol has hit a record high, beer is more expensive and second class stamps are going up to 50p. If only there was a way to use the internet to send mail, like some sort of electronic mailing system. I don't know what you'd call it though.

Things are so expensive a meal can cost you £250,000, but that comes with a free David Cameron.

In the budget VAT was put on hot snacks like bacon sandwiches or sausage rolls. And now, George Osborne has been branded "heartless" for saying hard-pressed Brits could avoid his VAT hike on hot food by buying COLD pasties.

Pressed on whether the "pasty tax" was fair, Mr Osborne said: "If it's cold when you buy it, it will not be VAT-able."

Can we buy it when it's cold and pay for it before Greggs have warmed it up? Is that how it works? Is this one of those tax avoidance things that rich folk do?

People have compared him to Marie Antoinette, and not just because they both have feminine jaw lines. She was the one who said, "Let them eat cake". But she clearly knew bugger all about the tax system because there's already VAT on confectioneries.

It's hard to work out the reason for this tax hike. It's not a green tax. The carbon footprint of warming up a little sausage roll didn't even get a mention in Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth". And it can't be a sin tax, because a cold one has just as many calories.

It seems that George Osborne doesn't like sausage rolls and he's slapped a tax on them. It makes you long for the days when Ken Clarke was the Chancellor. Now there's a man who wouldn't tax a pasty. He'd be bankrupt in weeks.

Oh, but there is one good bit of good food news out there. Scientists have found that eating a small amount of chocolate a day could help you lose weight. That's great news. If a small amount can help you lose weight imagine how thin I'll get with all the chocolate I cram down my face-hole when I get depressed.

Eating chocolate is something I thought would make me fat but it turns out it'll make me thin. Next we'll find out my second favourite habit actually gives you good eye sight instead of making you go blind.

In case you were wondering, my second favourite habit is watching magnesium ribbon burn. Well, a man needs a hobby.

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David Cameron - Pay Per View

Embarrassment for the Tories after Peter Cruddas was filmed offering access to David Cameron for £250,000. Embarrassment for the Lib Dens, because Nick Clegg paid it!

For a quarter of a million you can have dinner with David and Samantha Cameron. The big question is, how much extra to make it just Samantha? Some candles, oysters. She is a stunner. Look...

She's like a fit Miranda. You've got to love a posh bird. They don't 'come' they 'arrive'. They don't catch 'crabs' they have 'lobsters'. And once a month, they don't have the 'the painters in', she'll have the "feng shui expert round'.

This caused a big hoo-haa for the Tory party but I'm not sure why. Surely the concept that if you have the money you can buy what you want is at the very heart of the Conservative ideal. It's like the belief that the workers' unions should have power is at the heart of the Labour concept. And like the Lib Dem ideology, any port in a storm.

To try and regain some credibility David Cameron released details of the dinners he had with donors. I read the details they released and I wasn't impressed. No recipes. Shame.

David Cameron revealed he had a "thank you" dinner at No10 after the election in 2010 and guests included Anthony and Carole Bamford, Lord Sainsbury of Preston Candover and Andrew Feldman. He decided to use opening comments before a speech on dementia care in London to make a statement on the affair.

That's cruel. He brought up details of who he had dinner with in 2010 in front of some people who can't remember what they had for lunch today. Tut David, tut.

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Solving The Petrol Price Problem

Just when I was going to moan about the minimum price on alcohol I read that the Government released that story to try to bury the bad press the budget was getting. I thought it was the other way round. They tells us what's in the budget, which drives us to drink so when they say we have a drinking problem in the UK we say, "They have a good point."

In the summer there'll be even more duty on the price of our petrol, which has made experts say that by the end of the summer it's likely that it could cost 150p a litre. The Telegraph today has a story saying it already costs almost £100 to fill a large family vehicle.

At the price people start thinking, "Do I really need... a family?" If you get a small car, you'll pay less in petrol and the spouse and kids will have to walk.

I was on radio today, and I was lucky enough to speak to someone who might be able to help, Howard Cox from FairFuelUK. And you can have a listen to what we talked about...


Get the mp3 here

If you think petrol is too expensive, go to FairFuelUK.com and put your name down.

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Your Tax Statement

Taxpayers are to be given a detailed annual breakdown of how much they contribute to the Exchequer and how it is spent by the Government, under plans to be unveiled in the Budget.

Good idea. It will basically be a letter saying, "Your money is being spent on a team to work out what the money is being spent on. Enjoy."

It's thought the plan will be brought in to make it easier for the politicians to persuade voters of the need for public spending cuts. They will be saying, "Look at all the money you're spending. Wouldn't you like to spend less money?"

It will show that welfare payments make up about a third of all tax spending. But what it won't show is a list of all the things you get because your money goes to welfare. It won't list things like "not getting burgled by someone who's desperate and can't afford to feed their family". It won't list "not having the streets filled with groups of children begging". And they won't list the best thing you get from the welfare state, "The Jeremy Kyle Show".

According to Treasury calculations based on current taxes, someone earning £50,000 would be informed that their taxes will fund £4,727 worth of welfare payments, including £493 of housing benefit annually and £860 in sickness benefits.

But that's for someone earning 50k. With what I earn I'll get a letter saying, "If you want to know what we spent your tax money on, check the front of this envelope... it all went on that stamp!"

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Panda Giving Birth - Live!

Edinburgh Zoo is considering streaming the birth of its first baby panda live on the internet.

It'll be like Channel Four's One Born Every Minutes, but as it's pandas it's One Born Every Decade.

Giant pandas Tian Tian and Yang Guang arrived in Scotland from Ya'an reserve in Chengdu, China, on December 4 last year. Like all female pandas she will only be in the mood for sex for three days out of the whole year. Well, they're in a long term relationship, so that sounds about normal.

Those three sexy days could be anytime now, so the male panda must be ready to go whenever. If it works, and she gets knocked up, the zoo plans to web stream the delivery.

Don't do that. If there's one thing that'll put her off is knowing that her foo-foo will be shown at its least flattering all over the world. And if you put her off the idea of sex during those three days you may have just killed the species.

Although, she's a panda. If you say you're going to televise her foo-foo she'll think it's a panda in another zoo.

The panda enclosure at Edinburgh Zoo already has a camera installed which allows people to watch the animals on a daily basis.

Then don't film the birth, film the conception. And then show it to the other male pandas. Their partners are only in the mood three days each year and they don't have the internet. It's the least we could do.

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Woolly Mammoth Are Coming Back

Russian and South Korean scientists have signed a deal on joint research intended to recreate a woolly mammoth, an animal which last walked the earth some 10,000 years ago.

Why? Has anyone actually missed it? I've got by with just elephants and sheep.

They have found better quality remains and advances in stem cell technology means they could bring back this big animal from extinction. But it'll go wrong. Didn't they learn anything from Jurassic Park? They'll probably think they're safe because they will only clone females. You think having lots of females together is safe? Haven't you seen the TV show Loose Women?

The deal was signed by Vasily Vasiliev, vice rector of North-Eastern Federal University of the Sakha Republic, and controversial cloning pioneer Hwang Woo-Suk of South Korea's Sooam Biotech Research Foundation. Hwang was the man who created Snuppy, the world's first cloned dog, in 2005. Although for him it was a plan to solve the problem of food shortage.

The mammoth probably went extinct for a reason. If it couldn't hack it once we shouldn't help it out. Let it go, dude.

In fact, we should be going the other way. There are some animals that we should just get rid of. The snake. Nasty piece of work, I say we get rid of it. All we'd lose is unfashionable bags and shoes. And the wasp. We have the bee doing all the work, the wasp is it's no good, drop out cousin. If you can make some honey we might let you live, but if not you're gone.

And the panda. It's time to stop spending money trying to keep these things alive. They don't breed and they eat something that is so nutritionally poor they have to spend all day eating it. They spend all day eating and they survive because of our money hand outs. They're the chavs of the animal world, which explains the black eyes.

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Ovulating Women vs Snake

Women who have just finished ovulating are better at detecting snakes than at other times of their menstrual cycle, according to a new study.

They say "study" but it sounds more like "drunken wager".

Nobuo Masataka of Japan's Kyoto University tested 60 healthy women of child-bearing age at three different phases of their cycle. They were simultaneously shown nine pictures, one of which was a snake among flowers while the others were only of flowers.

The volunteers were tested on how quickly they spotted the serpent. The fastest women were those who were in the so-called luteal phase of their menstrual cycle, or the stage that immediately follows ovulation.

Experts say it's because they have greater inbuilt survival instincts at that time of the month. Well, it's either that, or they're on the look out for anything that long, slimy and hard, especially if it comes with flowers.

Masataka said this shows that women's vigilance increased at this part of the cycle because they are looking after themselves more as there's a possibility of being pregnant.

It's a good theory. And it's why there were no luteal women in the film Snakes On A Plane, or it would've been over before take off.

I'm so glad they spent the money on this research. Now I know what to take with me when I go camping; "Tent? Check. Emergency flare? Check. Woman who's just done ovulating..."

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Ken Barlow - Sex Machine

Sometimes it is hard for the single people of the UK. I don't mean things like Valentine's Day. I mean, when you turn on the TV to watch Channel 5's Big Body Squad and see someone who's 60-stone talking about their wives. The single of the UK must watch that and think, "How the hell did he manage to attract a woman?" And the answer, of course, is gravity.

But the Daily Mirror's front page has an even harsher message for the single people of this nation. Coronation Street actor Bill Roache says "I've Slept With 1,000 Women".

Does he realise "slept with" isn't the same as "put to sleep"?

The man who plays Ken Barlow is a stud muffin. I didn't see that coming. Maybe they're attracted to his... nah, maybe it's that he... seriously, ladies, what has he got?

In the past, when musicians claimed to have had loads of sexual partners I thought, "That's OK. These musical types are sexy, mysterious, different. No wonder they do better than me." But Ken 'boring*' Barlow is getting more ass than I've even seen on Babestation, let along had! What's going on in the world.

In the interview he says, "I didn't have any control over my sex drive." Dude, these 1,000 women, did they OK it first?

He says in this interview that he slept with 1,000 women, and then it says "Full story: Pages 4&5." Oh no, do they list them? It certainly knocks Frankie Cocozza's list of seven names into a cocked hat.

* For legal reasons I have to point out that he's not actually boring. A while back The Sun newspaper said that about him and he successfully sued them. So, just for the record, Bill Roache is not boring. Although I bet that's what his bed thinks he's trying to do.

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Bear Grylls You're Fired!

Bear Grylls has been sacked. Oh no. He's fallen on hard times. How will he cope?

The Discovery Channel says they had to call an end to working with him because of some dispute about his contract. It can't have been the rider, what would he need to make him feel comfortable before the show? A bucket of sand and some roadkill?

A spokesperson said: "Due to a continuing contractual dispute with Bear Grylls, Discovery has terminated all current productions with him."

That's a shame because I like Bear Grylls. Well, I like the idea of some youth sitting there watching Bear Grylls saying, "But there ain't even that many Grylls!"

Sources say that Grylls has been unwilling to participate in two upcoming projects, in violation of his contract.

So, because he refused to work on those two projects they cancelled his contract and refused to work with him on those projects... that he didn't want to do. It's hardly a punishment. Then again if a former SAS man, who is famous for eating things he's just killed with his bare hands, says he doesn't want to do what you just asked him to, you'd probably not kick up too much of a fuss.

Sadly it means they won't make another series of his current show where he has made his way through some of the most inhospitable places on Earth. But once you've been to Liverpool once, you've seen it all.

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TOWIE's Lauren Pope On Her PIPs

Lauren Pope, from the TV show The Only Way Is Essex, has told a newspaper, "I was terrified my PIP implants were a ticking timebomb."

If you could hear ticking coming from your boobs, that wasn't your implants, you probably had a collapsed lung. I'm not a doctor but I've watched a lot of episodes of House, so that should count for something.

Lauren was one of the 40,000 British women fitted with potentially toxic Poly Implant Prothese implants made from silicone used for mattresses.

I don't know if this was a mistake or a mix up. If it was the latter then there are people out there sleeping on boob-grade mattresses. Like in Cornershop's song "Brimful of Asha", there's the lyrics, "Everyone needs a bosom for a pillow." Well, a mattress is even better.

In case you're worried, she's had them removed and replaced with better implants, kind of an upgrade. But the story of why she had them in the first place is an interesting one. She said: "I was glamour modelling so I was always surrounded by girls with big boobs."

So she had surgery!? If you're upset because all the women you work with have bigger boobs, don't risk your life going under the knife. Become an Olympic athlete.

She said she was happy with the results but the surgery was so traumatic she vowed she would never get them replaced. She said: "I was like a hunchback for two weeks afterwards."

Did the surgeon put them on the wrong side?

Anyway, zoom forward to last year, she found out she had the substandard parts fitted and she had to get them fixed. So what have we learned? Because of the poor practices of some doctors Lauren and women like her have had to suffer the trauma of unnecessary surgery.

I'm glad she's come forward with her story as it teaches us a lot about what we are willing to risk just to look a little better. And at the end of the news story is says this...

"Lauren, who has also had lip fillers, a nose job, teeth veneers and Botox, admits she still isn't confident about her looks."

Yep, lesson learned.

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