11/04/2013

The Real Zombie Hamster

Zombie HamsterI don't want to scare anyone but...

Boo!

Oh, sorry, I mean I do want to scare people, as you should be scared. That's why I'm bringing you this news. Zombies are real! A creature, died, was buried, and then came back from the dead! Arrrggghhh!

The following is based on a true story. Well, it was in the Express, so let's assume it's true.


We start our story in the sleepy town of Painswick, Gloucestershire. On a morning with a crisp chill in the air, the people of Painswick would go about their days - driving to work, buying milk, flirting with the woman who serves you in a coffee shop - without knowing what was about to happen would change their lives forever.

Boyfriend and girlfriend, Lisa Kilbourne-Smith and James Davis, had a happy existence. They were a social couple who had many friends. When some of these friends asked if Lisa and James could look after their hamster they leapt at the chance.

While we can't know for sure, because you can never know for sure, Lisa seemed secretly happy about this chance to care for a pet. Maybe it showed that James was ready for greater responsibility. Maybe he was showing he wanted what she wanted too. And besides, if it didn't work out what was the worst that could happen?

The worst was more terrifying than any human could fathom.

As another evening in drew to a close, one final skim through the Freeview channels revealed nothing that took their fancy. James and Lisa were heading to bed. They thought they'd better check in on their hairy young ward. When they first noticed she was quiet they assumed she'd had a hard day at the wheel and was resting. Tapping the cage would normally rouse her, yet banging on the bars failed to yield a response this time. They investigated further, opening the cage and reaching inside. When James felt the coldness of the hamster's fur on his hand he knew tragedy had struck.

A death in the family is never easy to deal with. Even though she was only a hamster she was going to leave a hole in their lives, after all a cage with nothing in it is kind of weird.

As the memories of feeding veg through the bars and changing bedding flooded through Lisa's mind they were followed by a realisation that those acts would never more be needed. Given all they had been through together it was only right and proper to give the hamster a send off. They placed her in a kitchen roll tube, dug a grave in their flower bed and laid her to rest. A respectful act supposed to bring closure, but if there was one thing Lisa and James were not to get, it was closure.

While the couple quietly mourned in the house forces of nature, or maybe something more sinister, where getting to work in the garden. Maybe it started with a twitch, maybe it started with a breath - we will never know - but as the moon shone down on the ground above, below the surface all was not still. The hamster, or whatever it now was, came to life again. Her eyelids flicked open with a start and she began to dig.

Whatever the zombie form of geotropism is, she had it, finding her way up through the very ground that was meant to lay her to rest, until finally she broke free of her grave. Startled, hungry, and changed, the hamster was back.

The next day James had woken and, after making a homemade coffee - as he didn't feel like flirting - he went out into the garden. When he first heard a light rustling of some leaves he thought nothing of it. The second time he looked across but dismissed and blamed the wind. But the third time, he went to investigate.

All it took was one leaf, slightly brushed to the side, and James saw but didn't believe. He saw the very animal he had buried less than 24 hours ago. He looked into the soulless eyes of the creature as terror made its way through his synapses. Too stunned to hear the sound of the coffee cup breaking as it hit the ground by his feet, James opened his mouth enough to say, "Bu, bu, but... how?"

Not alive, not dead, but somehow undead, resurrected by some unknown force to seek vengeance on those entrusted with her safety. This is the story of the zombie hamster.


Or, it was only hibernating all along. Maybe. Whatever.

>Read the source story
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