Podcast 45 - UK's AAA, Bye Pope, and Pistorius Bail

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 45.

In this podcast:

UK loses AAA rating (starts 01:25)
The Pope Quits (starts 03:49)
Pistorius On Bail (starts 06:00)
How Embarrassing (starts 08:46)




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Internet Catches Love Cheat

A love rat was caught cheating on his fiancée after she spotted him embracing another woman on a Russian alternative to Google Maps.

She's devastated, he feels bad, and even Apple are upset that the Russians can do a better alternative to Google Maps than they managed.

Distraught Marina Voinova was searching for an address using Yandex Maps when she made the shocking discovery.

That's unlucky for the guy. You think you've gotten away with having an affair and Street View catches you out. The only way it could be more embarrassing is if you were caught out be Google Earth. That would mean not only are you a love cheat, you're also really fat.

She said: "When Sasha came home, I immediately called him to the computer and asked him to find that address in the map. When the image loaded, Sasha's face changed in colour. I looked in his eyes, waiting for an explanation."

He couldn't give one because he didn't think fast enough. What he should've said was, "Ah, online identify theft!"

>Read the source story

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Bin Laden's Theme Park

Pakistan plans to build a $30 million amusement park and outdoor activity centre on the edge of the north-western town of Abbottabad, where U.S. special forces killed Osama bin Laden.

I think the timing is unfortunate. They should've really built it while he was still there. He spent years living off the grid with nothing to do. He would've loved an amusement park to go to. If ever I have to live off the grid, undercover, I want to do it near Chessington World of Adventure. I'd be on Rameses Revenge. And if they send in the US Navy Seals to get me, they can't, because you're not allowed to push in to the queue in Chessington's, they have signs up.

The private venture in the foothills of the Himalayas will include a zoo, water sports, a mini-golf course and rock climbing. Oh good, I'm glad there will be somewhere where you can go rock climbing... next to the Himalayas. That's like building an indoor swimming pool in Atlantis.

Credit where it's due, it took Harry Potter 8 films before it got a themed tour in Leavesden; Zero Dark Thirty made it in one.

>Read the source story

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Negative Interest Rates

We've had a time of record low interest rates, 0.5%. Many experts have said, "Interest rates can't go much lower." And I always thought, "Well, they can go 0.5% lower, genius!" But it turns out I was wrong. The Bank of England has been thinking about negative interest rates. Or "disinterest rates" as I'm trying to trade mark.

The Deputy Governor Paul Tucker said the idea of charging high street banks to store money centrally, rather than paying them interest, should be explored as a way of easing the flow of credit to the stagnant economy.

This is great. This is the first step towards a world where having money costs you, and not having money doesn't. And that's great for me, because I don't have any. Although if I did get some money I wouldn't have enough money to be able to afford the cost of having money. Oh, this economics lark is harder than it looks.

Tucker said: "I hope we will think about whether there are constraints to setting negative interest rates." Constraints such as law, policies and if they have the "-" character on the signs.

The plan is, if they have a negative interest rate then it would cost banks money to store funds. It would then encourage banks to lend money more, to avoid the costs. And why not? Lending lots and lots of money hasn't caused a global crisis for at least 4 years.

The worry is that such a move would lower the rates the banks pay savers, rates which are often already near zero. And the banks could even start to charge customers.

When I was growing up, if you had money in the bank the bank paid you. And now we've reversed roles. Which is great. Because now, all I need to do it write a letter to my bank and I can charge them £12 for my admin costs.

>Read the source story

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Air India Rap

Air India say they may take disciplinary action against a pilot who complained about his employer on social media... in the form of a song.

I think he should get away with it. Most of us go home and post on Facebook: "Oh, I don't like my job. I got my boss in the secret Santa. I'll spend more than the £5 limit and get him arsenic." But he put the work in. He sat there thinking, "What rhymes with rubbish boss?"

He uploaded a video of a song laced with sarcasm and expletives, just like the rest of the internet, but unlike the rest of the internet, there are no cats in it.

The pilot has promised to take the video down. The airline chief said, "The pilot has also been spoken to." And we can learn from this that social media can ruin careers. Want proof? Last month the Pope joined Twitter. Two weeks ago he had to resign. And he was singing songs about his boss. Well, hymns.

The pilot has unconditionally apologised for posting the song online. So we get a sorry for that song but still nothing about any of David Hasselhoff's back catalogue.

>Read the source story

This was one of the stories I talked about on BBC London 94.9 with Sunny and Shay. Go here to listen to the radio version on the iPlayer.

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The Cartoon Spin-Off

Recently this website has brought you more online video content. There are the SNA News clips, covering subjects such as Plastic Surgery, Bum Fun, Dolphin People, Obesity and Gifts. And there's the topical videos filmed at The Monday Night News Show in London like this one and this one.

So it makes sense that after all of this video content, Mr Steve N Allen should now get his own spin-off cartoon series. So here it is...


View on YouTube
And this Tuesday, if you're in London, come along to the 
recording of my live CD. See for info and tickets.

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No Saving Us

The i paper tells us, "One in six Britons has no savings".

That doesn't apply to me. I have savings. OK, it's just 200 points on my Tesco Clubcard and 5 stamps from Nero, but still, it's something.

The Government want more of us to be saving for the future, but why would we take financial advice from the people who just balls up a AAA credit rating? Our credit rating is now so bad the only place the UK can borrow from is Wonga.com.

The newspaper also says, "8 million adults have nothing put by". I believe the full phrase is "put by for a rainy day" but if rainy days actually cost us money we'd be even more screwed than we are.

One in three adults is not saving currently. How are we meant to save, we've had years of prices going up and wages not. That's like making us live on the Slimfast diet and then moaning that we are not bulking up.

One third of those that have saved have accrued less than £1,000. Well, we have less than a grand in the bank. There's a difference. Maybe people have been saving up a little money but not wanting to put it in the bank. Many people don't like the banks because of what they did. They'll keep their money under the mattress, until Benson's For Beds cause a global meltdown.

So basically, the newspaper is saying we don't have a lot of money and we aren't in a position to save any money. But at least I write this site using a newspaper that only costs 20p. That's a step in the right direction.

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Man With The Golden Shirt

Datta Phuge, a millionaire from Pune, India, has bought a shirt made from solid gold which cost more than £150,000. For a shirt! I won't even buy a shirt if it's dry clean only, with his one you need Brasso.

I should be totally honest, I don't own a solid gold shirt, so I shouldn't really judge. But I think that is a waste of money. It's gold. It'll only go with black trousers. If I'm dropping "150 large" on a shirt I want it to work with any outfit.

The 32-year-old moneylender (and if the person you owe money to has a golden shirt, you're paying too much interest) hired a team of 15 goldsmiths for two weeks to make the shirt. And therein lies the only good thing about this shirt, it'll help him keep slim. If I get fatter I just buy another cheap shirt. If he bloats out he'd have to take his shirt into the jewellers to have it resized.

The end result is a 22-karat gold shirt weighing more than half a stone. Why would you wear a thing like that? Well, he said: "I know I am not the best looking man in the world, but surely no woman could fail to be dazzled by this shirt?"

Dazzled? Blinded by the light shining off it? Whatever draws attention from your face.

Maybe all this is me being jealous, I'll never be able to afford a shirt like that so maybe that's why I think it's a bad idea. But I'd love to be able to pass him in an airport as we both try to get through the metal detector.

>Read the source story

This was one of the stories I talked about on BBC London 94.9 with Sunny and Shay. Go here to listen to the radio version on the iPlayer.

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Agonise Podcast: Mum's the Word

In the Agonise podcast Mr Steve N Allen and Ria Lina look at letters sent into newspapers' problem pages and give a more honest answer than any agony aunt could.

This episode features a letter from a woman whose partner has a thing for her wellies, or her mum. Or both. To find out more, listen below.


Download the mp3.

    

Hear all the Agonise podcasts here

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A Ban On Screaming Children

There are so many things that could make this world a better place. If we stopped spending money putting handles on doors you have to push open, we could be out of this recession and no longer would be look like an idiot trying to leave a room.

And if we made failure to use your indicators on roundabouts a hanging offence we'd all be happier.

Finally one news story tells us of an obvious improvement to the world that has finally happened. A shopping mall in Australia has banned screaming children. Excellent. I hate it when you're shopping and you see some child on the floor throwing a tantrum, and we just have to pretend we don't mind at all. And the reason I hate it is because I don't get to throw a tantrum like that. It's not fair.

Oh, some 4-year-old has a massive strop while shopping and no one dare say anything in case it upsets the mother. But if 6'2" me lies down and cries for a bit the security guards are called. That's blatant ageism.

In a move which has outraged many parents, the Dee Why Grand shopping complex north of Sydney has told customers screaming children "will not be tolerated". That's harsh language but I assume they'd just be asked to leave. Although putting it like that makes you think they have invented a death ray.

The shopping centre banned screamers after receiving complaints about children becoming too loud near the centre's play area. They put up a sign saying: "Stop. Parents please be considerate of other customers using the food court. Screaming children will not be tolerated in the centre."

They have a point. If your child is screaming you should tell it to sush because the noise is probably upsetting nearby people. It's the audio version of what you should do if your child is smearing it's own poo on the floor. You should tell it to stop, and don't just sit there chatting to other parents just because you have learned to ignore it.

It's interesting that it's only the screaming while having fun that's been banned. They haven't banned children screaming because they're in danger. So while some people think this shopping centre has an old fashioned view it's better than the BBC in the 70s.

>Read the source story

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Buy A House For £1

People complain that the wages in the UK haven't kept up with the increase in the costs of things. Well, I see your valid maths and raise you one example of that not being the case!

Houses in Liverpool are going on sale for £1, yes, £1. God knows how they're going to get the buildings inside Poundland, but still.

The houses are in need of much repair and are in a run down part of town. Or as the estate agent puts it:

"These spacious Victorian terraced houses offer two bedrooms, bathroom, half a kitchen and great access to nearby criminals."

They're in the Granby Triangle area in Kensington, Liverpool, and were originally part of former Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott's plan to destroy thousands of homes across the country. The plan was to knock down houses like that and build new ones. But it was only the first of the plan that really happened. They knocked down some houses, didn't build enough new ones, and the scheme failed. It's not the first time John Prescott has done something like that. He only really got to grips with the first part of bulimia.

It's a good plan because you're only allowed to buy a house for £1 if you show you have the DIY skills to actually work on it. That means I wouldn't be allowed to own one, unless they were OK with most of the house being made of Bluetack and electrical tape.

Ah, so that's how it works. I was wondering how you make a house so cheap that you could sell it for just £1. I thought the only way to do it was to change the U to and R.

>Read the source story

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Film Review: Arbitrage

Arbitrage is a film that makes you realise how times have changed. Remember this old joke:

MAN1: "What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?"
MAN2: "I don't know, what do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
MAN1: "A good start."

That classic comes from a time when we hated lawyers. Arbitrage is about our new hatred, bankers. Richard Gere plays Robert Miller, a hedge fund manager who is doing what we all think hedge fund managers do, lying and cheating. He's busy selling his hedge fund for way more than it's worth because he's fiddled the books. No surprise so far, he is a banker after all. So far this plot isn't even as bad as an RBS training manual.

But he's been cheating on his wife too. There's a young art dealer and he's been putting his fund in her hedge or something like that. He and his mistress are in a car crash. She is killed and his response it to go with his strengths. He lies some more.

The bulk of the film is the frantic work Mr Miller puts in to stopping his own-made tangled web from unravelling and the passion with which Detective Bryer (played by Tim Roth) wants to nail the banker.

Richard Gere has still got it. Even with his advancing age his performance holds the screen. OK, you wouldn't expect him to pick up a woman like in his An Officer and a Gentleman days, without making a groaning sound.

It's an interesting plot built from all the deceit and covering up, and it's biggest accomplishment is that you actually start to feel sorry for the character. This is a banker (someone that the media loves to hate), a philanderer (someone that we all love to hate) and a murderer (which also frowned upon). And yet there are many moments when you want him to get away with it.

He lies and cheats and yet is also good, and the police lie and cheat, yet are also good. The film is an essay on the mid-tones that stop the world being black and white.

One problem I have when I watch a film is that I really let the situations affect me and I think about how I would react if it were to happen to me. After watching Arbitrage I now know what I'd do if I ever accidentally killed a mistress of mine. Information I hope not to use, but heck, it's good to be prepared*.

[Arbitrage is released on March 1st 2013]

* What would I do if I accidentally killed a mistress? I'd confess straight away, of course. I say that because if ever I'm a suspect in a murder the first thing they'll do is Google me, and I don't want an intricate plan left sitting on the web. I've seen Arbitrage but I've also seen the Mel Smith and Griff Rhys Jones film Wilt.

Here's the trailer...

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UK Obesity and Chubby Checker - Topical Stand-Up [Video]

Every week at The Monday Night News Show in London SomeNews.co.uk goes live.

Below is a video from this week's show, covering topics like the obesity crisis in the UK and Chubby Checker's legal problem.

Have a look...


Watch on YouTube
At the actual gig we also covered gay marriage, Luton airport, RBS, Posh Spice and loads more. Come and see the show live next week.

P.S. Here are all the topical videos from past Monday Night News Shows - check them out.

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999 Police, Ambulance... Bean Bag Removal?

Fire-fighters got a 999 call to rescue a bean bag from a roof.

The poor bean bag. If I spent my life having people's bums shoved into me I'd probably think about jumping too. (Who am I kidding, I use the London Underground, I do have people's bums shoved into me.)

Six crew were sent to rescue it after a member of the public said it was "hanging precariously".

Wow. One of the softest and comfiest things in the world. If it dropped on you you'd probably get a nice sit down out of it. What a bloody waste of the fire service's time. They are there to respond to emergencies, such as fires, not pointless issues like this. So people, please. If you spot a bean bag on a roof, don't just call 999. Set fire to it first.

>Read the source story

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Chubby Checker Sues Over Willy Slang

Rock'n'roll singer Chubby Checker is suing HP over an app that used his name as a euphemism for penis size.

To explain: That's the computer HP, and not the one who makes brown sauce. The HP sauce people haven't started doing any promotional activity that is linked to penis size. Which is a good thing, because if they started making bottles that look like penises, it'll be a brave person who sits there smacking it till stuff comes out.

The Chubby Checker app, which appeared on websites for Palm OS (owned by Hewlett-Packard), claimed to guess the intimate measurement based on shoe size.

That is, of course, flawed science. Having bigger feet isn't linked to having a bigger penis, or clowns wouldn't look so sad.

Lawyers acting for the singer are seeking £323m in compensation, saying the app has done "irreparable damage" to his reputation.

I think he may be overreacting. Even if his name became synonymous with the male member his career would be OK. It's not bothered Alan JOHNSON, PETER Andre, DICK van Dyke, WILLY Mason and Jason PENISFACE.

HP said it removed the app as soon as it received a complaint from lawyers.

I'm glad the app has been removed as it wasn't a good idea to have his name linked to a penises. You don't want a nickname that when a woman says it she subconsciously thinks of the sentence, "Let's do the Twist."

>Read the source story

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Horse, Snow & Mirren - Topical Stand-Up [Video]

Every week at The Monday Night News Show in London SomeNews.co.uk goes live.

Below is a video from this week's show, covering topics like the snow in the UK, the horse meat crisis, the end of Page 3 and Dame Helen Mirren (not the end of her, just, you know what I meant).

Have a look...


Watch on YouTube
At the actual gig we also covered the Pope's resignation, car park news, husband killing, Huhne's speeding and loads more. Come and see the show live next week.

P.S. Here are all the topical videos from past Monday Night News Shows - check them out.

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Prisoner Has Phone Up The Bum

A Sri Lankan prisoner who tried to hide a mobile phone up his bumhole was caught when guards heard his backside ringing.

Ah, booty call.

The 58-year-old convict was admitted to the national hospital in Colombo where doctors later retrieved the handset from his bottom. What kind of an idiot leaves the phone on when it's up inside him? If he heard it ring it's not like he'd get to it before it goes to voicemail. And even if he didn't want to turn it off, he should've put his ringer on vibrate, so to speak. That way he'd still miss the call but at least he'd enjoy it.

Officials said: "The man had concealed the phone inside his person. Unfortunately for him, the phone rang at the wrong time and guards knew he had a phone at the wrong end."

There newspapers haven't reported if the prisoner had anything to say, but I imagine he said, "The Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 was a bad idea!"

Yes, phones these days are getting bigger and many are impressed that he managed to get one up there. I'm more impressed that he got the charger and jewelled case up there too.

>Read the source story

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The Robot Hair Transplant [Interview]

The Terminator films had it all wrong, the machines won't rise up against us, they're making us look better. Yes, I was excited by the news of robotic hair transplants (N.B. That's robots transplanting hair, not hair being transplanted onto robots) for obvious reasons. And to find out more I got to speak to Dr Craig Ziering, the expert behind this life-line to the balder of society like me.

Have a listen.


Download the mp3

And here's a video about it.

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The Big Parking Space Scam

News comes from Tel Aviv where road workers painted a disabled parking space around a car, and then towed it away for parking in a disabled parking space.

That's out of order. I'd be more outraged but this story broke in the same week that we heard someone built a whole car park on top of King Richard III, so there's perspective. (Side note: Now I finally understand the lyrics to Joni Mitchell's Big Yellow Taxi.)

Hila Ben Baruch was ordered to pay 1,000 NIS (£170) and further towing costs after being accused of illegally parking in one of the Israeli city's disabled parking spots. Thankfully this is rare. It's not like Israel to dispute the original designation of land.

CCTV caught the whole thing. Here's the video...


Watch on YouTube
Not only is it unfair, it's not even a good paint job. Do it in pencil first before doing it in neat.

But the worry is that if it can happen to her it could happen to any of us. So, to make sure I can never be the victim of such an evil scheme I intend to park in such a way that no one could paint the parking space border around me. My vehicle will stick out into the road even if it blocks traffic and I may have to take two spaces. How will I do this? Simple. I'm taking lessons from mums on the school run.

>Read the source story

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Nude Teacher Twitter Troubles

A teacher has been suspended from her job after pictures of her naked and apparently smoking cannabis were posted from her Twitter account.

Tut. Of course she can't do that. She's not someone with totally no impact on young people, like Rihanna.

23-year-old Carly McKinney was pictured posing in her underwear, and even performing a naked handstand in the provocative pics. Although in my day, having to do gym in your underwear was what happened if you forgot your kit.

Other snaps saw the maths teacher, who works at Overland High School in Aurora, Colorado, US, flashing a stomach tattoo and even posing topless.

Don't you just love America. They suspend this teacher because some antics in her personal life might affect some school kids... but they still won't ban guns.

I know, I know, guns don't kill people, people kill people. But I'll tell you something else, naked teacher boobies don't kill people either. And even if they could kill you, what a way to go.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's OK. In fact teachers posting naked pictures on the internet is stunting the development of the youth. In my day when I wanted to see Miss Jenkins nude I had to use my imagination.

>Read the source story

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Chris Huhne Remember's Guilty

I turned on the TV earlier to see Chris Huhne addressing the press after he pleaded guilty to perverting course of justice over his speeding fine. And as each photographer's bulb flashed on him, I saw the irony.

The former energy secretary admitted he persuaded his ex-wife to take speeding points for him in 2003. That's perfect. If ever there's a job for a man who's good at talking others into taking point they don't have to, it's the job where you're in charge of our Kyoto responsibilities.

He had claimed he was not guilty right up to the point that the trial started when he suddenly remembered that he was guilty. A lying politician. No one is surprised. A man who persuaded his wife to do something. People are shocked.

As he left the court, Huhne said: "I pleaded guilty today. I am unable to say more while there is an outstanding trial. But having taken responsibility for something which happened 10 years ago the only proper course of action is now for me to resign my Eastleigh seat in parliament."

Well, the proper thing to do could've been not lie, not get your wife to take your points for you, or, god forbid, don't break the speed limit in the first place.

The charges relate to allegations that in 2003 he persuaded his then wife, Vicky Pryce, 60, an economist, to take speeding points so that he could avoid prosecution.


Since then, they separated and she went on to play the role of Steve in the TV show American Dad.


Pryce has pleaded not guilty to the charge on the grounds of marital coercion.

She took the points for him in 2003, but it wasn't till he left her for Carina Trimingham, a woman 14 years younger than her, in 2011, that she told the police what he's done.

Granting Huhne unconditional bail, judge Mr Justice Sweeney said: "I will deal with your sentence on a date to be notified. It is essential that you attend, on that date. You should have no illusion whatsoever as to the sort of sentence that you are likely to receive."

That means he's going to jail.

Or rather, someone who looks like Carina Trimingham in a suit will turn up to do the time.

>Read the source story

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Should Scotland Stay Or Should They Go Now

With all the talk about the In/Out referendum on Europe, we get a new perspective on the Scottish one. Being faced with a decision between leaving or staying in a larger union, we can start to see how the good people of Scotland feel.

The difference is, with the Europe situation, it seems like the choices are leave or get more involved. We're in that, "I don't want to get married but I don't want to split up either. Can't we just keep things as they are?" Trust me, you never can.

Scotland has an easier question. Stay or go. But the clarity of that issues has been brought into question. The elections watchdog has said the public could be confused over how independence would affect Scotland and demanded the UK and Scottish governments provide clarity on key issues ahead of the referendum.

So just to clarify, when we say that Scotland would leave the UK, we don't mean that they will actually leave. They'll still be right there if you want to pop up for a visit. At the time of publication there are no plans to push down hard on Hadrian's Wall till it splits us in two.

If they vote to stay things won't change. We promise. We won't hold the fact that you threatened to leave against you. We won't pretend everything is fine but secretly start seeing other countries behind your back just to get revenge.

And now the details have been sorted all we need to know is what the people of Scotland answer to the question... erm, to the question...

That's the next problem. The commission rejected the SNP's preferred wording on the question to be put to voters. They wanted, "Do you agree that Scotland should be an independent country? Yes/No". That's a bit of a leading question.

They also wanted, "Do you want Scotland to be independent or would you rather French kiss a tramp?" Or their favourite, "Vote yes or the puppy gets it."

The commission warned that use of the phrase "Do you agree... potentially encouraged people to vote Yes and should be replaced by more neutral wording". It put forward its own question "Should Scotland be an Independent country? Yes/No".

If they really want neutral language they should get the people of England and Wales to vote for the question. They'd come up with the very neutral, "Erm, whatevs."

>Read the source story

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Wife With The Killer Privates

Here's a story that's all too common. A wife tried to kill her husband by poisoning something he was about to eat. But there's a twist.

A woman in Brazil apparently tried to widow herself by putting a toxic substance inside her private parts and then asking her significant other to perform a sex act on her.

This is exactly why, before I do any downstairs loving on a woman, I have a servant taste it first.

There must be easier ways to kill your husband, or at least ways that don't involve the risk of poisoning your own chuff. And it didn't even work, the husband survived. Of course he did. Like any oral sex happens after marriage.

What happened was, when she asked him to give her oral sex, he fled after noticing a strange smell. Hang on, you're allowed to refuse to do it because there's a strange smell. Then no one would ever do it again.

The suspicious husband then took his wife, who has not been named, to hospital where doctors carried out tests and found she had a poisonous substance up there.

Look on the bright side, at least you know she doesn't have mice.

Well, the moral of the story is, if someone who wants you dead suddenly starts acting all nice to you and offering you sex, you should be weary. They say never look a gift horse in the mouth. Well, that ain't a mouth.

>Read the source story

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