Solution To The Organ Donor Problem

On the Guardian: "Doctors' radical plan to tackle organ shortage"

OK, there has been a bit of an organ shortage, but in my defence, it's been cold and these shorts aren't flattering and...

Oh, they don't mean me. They mean organs for transplants. A BMA report has revived the debate about how far doctors should go to help save the lives of patients with organ failure.

At the moment you have to opt in to be an organ donor. There's talk of having an opt out system in Wales. I don't know why we're starting it in Wales. Are we going to use them as a source or organs for the rest of the UK? That's one way to make sure the 51% of people in England don't want you to leave the kingdom, like they do with Scotland.

It makes sense. Instead of only being able to use organs from the few who opt in, or having to rush a grieving relative to make a decision, you could check to see if they opted out, and if not, get down to saving a life.

Some people are against the new system. And you say to them, "Well, opt out then." And they say, "I don't like the presumption that we should be organ donors." And you say, "Oh, I'm sorry. We were trying to help people who are actually dying but we didn't realise you didn't like the hint! Oh, we'll stop it all and rob others of a chance at life just so you don't feel slightly put out."

There's also a plan to keep patients alive till their organs have been used. A sad fact about the human body is that as a soon as you die things start to go off. I have to be honest, I'm in my thirties and some things look like they've hit their sell by date already, but it gets worse on death.

I didn't realise this, because I'm not a doctor/don't watch Holby City, but when someone dies in hospital they are sometimes kept on ventilation till the family can say their goodbyes. But the ventilation is turned off after and the useful bits start to perish. At the moment they can't leave the ventilation on to keep the organs usable till the transplant can be sorted. Why? Are we that desperate to save the 'lecky bill?

Nigel Heaton, professor of transplant surgery at King's College hospital, London, said, "People have qualms about it. The concern is that you are prolonging or introducing futile treatment that has no benefit for the patient."

Hmm, if only it was saving someone else's life at the same t... hang on, it is! The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. And with great power comes great responsibility. OK, I learn my philosophy from films but I'm making a point.

At the moment up to 1,000 people die each year from a treatable condition because they don't get the transplant because there aren't enough organs.

I think, if there's a way we can help to solve this problem, it is irresponsible to sit back and do nothing. And that's why I hate Noel Edmonds.

He's living the high life doing his "Deal Or No Deal" TV show, but if he put his "Swap Shop" skills to work on this...

>Read the source story

Read More

Bin Laden Family To Live In The West

According to the Sunday Times, terror chief Osama bin Laden wanted his youngest children to move to the West.

Then what was all that terrorism lark about? Was he just trying to get the house prices to drop so they will be able to afford a nice place over here?

He said: 'Go to US and live in peace'. I think they would've got more peace if their dad didn't keep trying to blow our shit up all the time.

It seems odd, that if you really hated something you'd want your kids to live in that thing and blend in. I really don't like BMW drivers, with the way they cut you up, never indicate at roundabouts and drive right up your arse. But that doesn't mean I secretly want any offspring I have to become passengers.

It makes no sense. There can only really be two situations that fit. Either he secretly hated his children, so his ultimate plan was to send them to the West and hope one if his mates blows then up one day.

Or he really hates the West and he brought his kids up to be right little shits. He may not have brought the West to our knees through terrorism but he can wind us up by sending over his children.

He probably trained them in how to annoy us. I bet they don't know how to queue and will just push in. I bet they have been taught to use a mobile on the quiet coach of a train. And if Bin Laden was truly evil, I bet he taught them how to drive a BMW. Damn you Bin Laden. Damn you!

Read More

Honour Amongst A Thief

You have to be careful about setting the wrong precedent. There's a story from Australia, of a man who had his wallet and mobile phone stolen. But the robber handed the phone in at the local police station because he found it contained child porn photos.

What's the take-home message from this story? It's this. If you want to make sure your phone will be handed in to the police if you lose it, put dodgy pictures of kids on it.

See? That's what happens when a thief doesn't think his actions through. The man must've been left saying, "If only I'd have put a nude shot in the wallet I'd have that back too."

At a time when personal theft is going up, people will start to use these techniques, for other items too. When you see a security van delivering the cases of cash you'll spot the printing on the case that reads, "Warning: This case contains images taken at a family beech."

It's a slippery slope and we shouldn't be on it.

There's no justice though, the mugger tried to do the right thing but was arrested when he went to the police station. It turned out he was already wanted for car theft.

Whoever owned that car should've put a child locked in the boot banging to get out, then they would've had their car back within days.

>Read the source story

Read More

Homeless? Stay At Home

When it comes to health advice, France isn't the place you'd think to look. They've been pumping their women full of industrial grade silicone for years. It's the only country where you could buy fake boobs in Homebase.

But now a French health minister has proved what a genius she really is. Nora Berra wrote in a blog that homeless people should not go outdoors during the ice-cold snap.

Amazing. I've not seen someone put their foot in their mouth like that since a found that "specialist video" online. And trust me, that was the least rude video I saw after I Google "Woman who can fit a foot in her mouth."

You know what, I can't fault her logic. In an ideal world the homeless shouldn't go outdoors. In fact I'll go one step further, homeless people should not be without a home. There you go, that advice has just cured the problem of homelessness too.

In her blog she said toddlers, old people, the sick and homeless were particularly vulnerable in times of extreme cold and should "avoid going outdoors."

I'm not even sure her phrase it fitting for toddlers. They should "avoid going outdoors"? They don't really have a say in the matter. You don't hear many toddlers saying, "I've just got to nip out for some fags."

But saying that homeless people should stay indoors is a level above. It's so insensitive. It's like telling the Fritzl kids they should get out more.

We should put her to work on some of the other issues blighting society. She should tell the unemployed to avoid not getting paid regularly, or tell the obese to avoid eating all the pies. Maybe she could even tell cocaine addicts they should avoid trying to win X Factor or Celebrity Big Brother.

What she really needs to do is to tell politicians like herself to stop talking rubbish. I know, I've gone too far there. That'll never happen.

>Read the source story

Read More

Colder Than The North Pole

Recently I have been on a rant about the way our newspapers talk about the weather. On hot days we get "UK Hotter Than India" and last week "UK Colder Than Iceland". It all seemed like needless competition. We're hosting the Olympics this year, maybe we should try to focus on winning at sports and not put all our support behind our temperatures.

But today it's actually an impressive one. The Express says, "-15C: Colder Than The North Pole".

That is impressively cold. And all those people who campaign about climate change saying, "Where will the polar bears live?" I think we know the answer now, move to a small town in the UK.

Actually they should move to the village of Midsomer like in the TV show. It'll have cold temperatures and they're white, so they'll blend in.

Sadly it's not just the cold. Forecasters say in the next few days we'll get widespread ice and snow.

That means we're screwed again. It doesn't matter that we have a few days warning and the councils say they're prepared. We all knew snow was coming last Saturday, everyone. Even if you were living under a rock, you can get a 3G signal there these days, so it's no excuse. And even with that much warning they still didn't grit the A1, that I got stuck on.

Come on, it's the A1. Even if you had just one gritter, if you started alphabetically I should've been fine.

It was weeks of authorities saying, "We have massive stock piles of grit this year." And you still had massive stock piles of grit after it had snowed because it was just left in your yard.

Colder than the North Pole sounds pretty bad because we all think of the old stories of people walking there dragging their supplies behind them. It's not that inhospitable these days. I saw a David Attenborough show where they just fly you in to the pole.

It snows there all the time, it is by definition as cold as the North Pole there, and they still manage to fly people in. But one inch of snow and Heathrow will be closed up like Woolworths.

>Read the source story

Read More

These Women Love Sausage

It's amazing what the internet can do. It's a piece of technology that has improved our lives in so many ways. OK, it's mainly used for sending people pictures of cats playing the piano but in the old days people had to hand-deliver Betamax videos of cats playing the harpsichord, so thank god for the web.

The latest clip to hit the web is of a Canadian TV host who said the wrong thing while talking about a sausage-eating competition.

It's Lisa Dutton, and here's what happened.


If you can't see it click here.

It's not that she says "Pick a dick" instead of "Pick a tic", it's the fact that she said it twice. She's addicted. Ad-dick-ted... OK, that's too far.

On the news site where I found this it said: "Her co-host tried in vain to salvage the situation by reassuring the audience that neither of them had been drinking."

She may have said that but in general, she wasn't helping. Her, "Well, you're thinking about sausage so..." hardly helped her buddy out.

And my favourite bit was earlier.

Lisa: "It's a sausage competition that I judge."
Co-host: "Oh, like sausage eating?"

What else kind of sausage competition could there be?

Lisa: "No, I just see if I like the look of 'em. Sometimes I touch them a bit. Stroke 'em. I get paid in twenties straight into my pants."

I feel sorry for the people at pick-a-dick.com, they'll be getting lots of hits for people who want tickets. It's like the whole CompareTheMarket.com vs CompareTheMeerkat.com issue. Pick-a-dick.com might even crash, which means people like Cher's son/daughter will have to wait.

Pick-a-dick.com, it's amazing what the internet can do

>Read the source story

Read More

Actual Spider-Man Could Exist

Scientists are investigating a bizarre white cobweb found on nuclear waste - amid fears it could have been made by a 'mutant' spider.

Even with this limited information we can already work a few things out. For a start, their cleaner is getting sacked.

The newspapers immediately said it was "a freakish echo of the Spider-Man comic strip". I think they're getting a little carried away. In the Spider-Man story Peter Parker is bitten by a radioactive spider and gains special powers. But real life is never as cool. Years after Chernobyl and not one Hulk has come out of that region.

And even if this does prove the existence of radioactive spiders, and somehow they can bite you and give you the abilities of a spider, that wouldn't be so impressive in real life.

You know how spiders run for a while and stop, and then run off again. That's because they get a build up of lactic acid in their joints. A real life Spider-Man would go for about 100-years and need a breather.

In the comic book Spider-Man shoots web from his wrists. Bad news, spiders shoot web from a thing on their bum. It would hugely embarrassing for Peter Parker if, every time he wanted to shoot a web, he had to moon.

>Read the source story

Read More

Andy Murray's Mum Has Toilet Trouble

Andy Murray's mum, Judy, has caused some upset by tweeting a picture from inside parliament.

Well, that and producing a son who can't win Wimbledon. So she's not having a good run of it.

Judy Murray took a picture of the toilet in the Lords.

That's taking it too far isn't it? Next she'll be signing into the toilets on FourSquare.

RT @Judy_Murray2012 I just became the mayor of trap 3, the Lords loos on @foursquare

She took a picture of the door that says "Women Peers".

It's a perfectly good sign for a toilet, if it didn't have the letters R and S.

Murray tweeted the picture describing it as "too fun" to her 20,000 followers. Lieutenant-General David Leakey, aka "Black Rod", said he thought the message "belittled" parliament.

No, I think spending our money on moat cleaning and duck houses belittled parliament, taking a picture of a toilet is, ironically, not taking the piss as much.

I've tweeted from a toilet before. Well, most of my tweets are done on the loo. If I didn't eat so much bran I wouldn't be able to be so prolific. But I have tweeted a picture from a toilet once.



It was taken at a gig where, after the first break, the audience was mainly just men.



P.S. Go on, lets have a day of #toilettweets and mention @mrstevenallen in them to get a reply.

Read More

Sex Or Super Bowl

A new survey says women in American would rather have sex than watch the Super Bowl.

What a pointless survey. If you angle the TV right, you can do both.

80% of women, when asked, said they would rather have some rumpy pumpy than watch the sports event. After the first woman says yes, it's kind of rude to keep asking others. It's like you're hedging your bets.

It's an interesting question, would you pick the sex or the Super Bowl. I know it's a big deal and it only happens once a year, but then, so does the Super Bowl.

I'm not sure which one is best. The Super Bowl is the most watched sports event with a global audience of about 111million viewers. Thanks to sites like YouPorn I'm sure there are more viewers for sex.

At the Super Bowl you might get to see Janet Jackson's boob. There's a slim chance you could see the same during sex if you pull the right woman.

The Super Bowl lasts for hours. OK, it wins that one.

But for me the deciding factor would be that you can record the Super Bowl on video and watch it again later. Whereas, if you try to do that with the sex the other person gets really mad when they find out.

>Read the source story

Read More

Scientists Can Read Your Mind

Scientists could create mind-reading machines after "hearing" people's thoughts for the first time.

Either this is an amazing breakthrough for science, or those scientists have gone mad. If you're hearing other people's thoughts and they're telling you to "kill, kill, kill", it's time to get help.

Experts decoded electrical signals the brain fires off as it understands and creates words. The next step could be to develop thought-recognition software to synthesise speech for those without a voice, like some stroke patients.

Or even better, it could be used to display subtitles for people with a really strong accent. This could boost trade to places like Newcastle no end. Sadly this technology has come along too late to save Cheryl Cole's career but still, it gives hope.

Neuroscientists put electrodes on the speech processing centre of the brains of 15 people. They played them conversation and saw certain words and phrases created patterns in the electrical signals. Experts believe these could be translated into speech.

I hope this technology doesn't become too easy to make. If they start making an iPhone app that can turn thoughts into words, I'll spend most of my time out of the house getting slapped.

Being able to keep my thoughts to myself is the only thing letting me be a member of civil society. At the moment, if a guy in a pin-striped suits gets on a train and talks loudly into his phone he probably thinks I'm ignoring him. But if can check and app and read what's being going through my head, he'd have me arrested and searched for any whole pineapples.

And if a woman hits my ankle with a pushchair and takes off some skin, I turn round, see it's a mum and just give a little smile. I don't want her to then get a message alert telling her what I really thought about her and her ugly kid.

I think the costs of this technology would outweigh the benefits. Sure, it could be better that iPhone's Siri, where all you'd have to do is think of someone and you'd call them. But it could end relationships. If we were in bed together and suddenly my phone called your sister... say no more.

>Read the source story

Read More

It's Cold Outside

I love the way the news covers our weather. It was only five months ago that newspapers were proudly shouting that, "Sweltering Britain was hotter than India." Now we hear that we've been colder than Iceland. Why are we obsessed at beating other countries?

I'm assuming that's what the Express headline meant. Or were they saying the UK got colder than a shop full of frozen food. That's a nice way to report news. They can say we're colder then Iceland and Farm Foods, and our economy is doing as well as Woolworths.

Is it because we don't beat other countries at sport any more that we're turning to the weather to try and get a victory?

In the summer they get a picture of some women frolicking in the sun, like this one from the Daily Star...



She has some really good control to be able to pee into that bottle from that distance.

But in the winter it's different. The newspapers find pictures of struggling motorists and speak to "experts" who tell you what you should do if you're making a journey. They say things like "remember to take warm clothing and a flask of hot drink."

It's like they've interviewed Ray Mears. A jumper and a cup of tea? I never would've guessed.

And my favourite phrase that comes out when we have bad weather is this: "And remember, only travel if you have to."

I'd say that's a good rule to live by even in good weather. If you don't have to leave the place you're at right now, don't travel, or you'll find yourself nowhere near where you're meant to be.

In fact the only time of year when there's a slight gap in that logic is during the cold weather. If you don't have to travel, but you do anyway, you might find yourself in Iceland, and apparently it's nice and warm over there right now.

>Read the source story

Read More

Men Fall In Love First

New research says men are more likely to be the first to say 'I love you' in a relationship.

Yeah, but he'll say it the the Xbox 360, to his car, he'll even say it to the George Foreman grill, so I'm not sure it means as much as you think.

Around 64% of males admitted they had said 'I love you' first, compared to just 18% of women, research at the Pennsylvania State University and published in the Journal of Social Psychology found.

OK, let's take a look at the figures. 64% and 18% adds up to 82%. That leaves 18% of couples where neither the man nor the woman said 'I love you' first. So either they have a loveless coupling with repressed emotion and bottled resentment, or they're one of those sickly couples where they said it at exactly the same time. I think I'd rather be in the first type of relationship.

Around 87% of those interviewed believed women fell in love first, while three quarters predicted that women would be first to say 'I love you', but questions about their own experiences proved that men took a few weeks to realise they were in love, while women took a few months.

It makes sense. We think of women as more emotional and therefore you'd imagine they'd be the first to talk of love. But think about it practically for a minute. The man gets someone who is neat, tidy, fragrant and in many ways is like 3D porn. She gets someone to open jars. No wonder he says 'I love you' first. The strange fact becomes the 18% of times when she says it first. Now there's a woman who really likes pickled onions.

Even the experts said it's unlikely men are more emotional. They said one of the reasons men say it first is because they think it will mean the woman will have sex with him.

I would just like to say that not every time a man utters the words 'I love you' does it means he wants to have sex. Maybe to the Xbox 360 and car, but certainly not to the George Foreman grill.

>Read the source story

Read More

The Girl With The Golden Nuggets

Here's a news story that lets you know what class you're from.

A 17-year-old girl was in the news because she only eats chicken nuggets.

The upperclass response is, "That's awful. What's a chicken nugget?"

The middle class response is, "That's awful. How does she cope without couscous?"

The working class response is, "That's awful. She doesn't eat the fries? What a waste!"

Since the age of two she has only had these nuggets. That's a 15-year bad diet, and you know what the most annoying part of the story is? She's not even fat.

She has had none of her 5-a-day for 15 years and yet she's not fighting obesity. I have been eating bland rubbish that someone dug up for years and I still hear creaking when I try to use the Wii Fit board.

It's not without its health implications. She once suffered breathing difficulties. I suffer breathing difficulties every time I use the Wii Fit board, so she doesn't have it too hard.

Experts have advised her to take vitamin injections and start eating healthy food, but she can't. She says she can't get enough of chicken nuggets. McDonald's chicken nuggets are her favourite. However, she also likes KFC and the supermarket ones, said the daily.

This is not a bad diet, it's an addiction. If she can't get enough of them even when doctors tell her it's bad for her, it's an addiction to chicken. So there's only one thing for it... cold turkey!

>Read the source story

Read More