22/01/2013

Bird Poo Problem Finally Solved

Good news. Science is about to solve the problem of pigeon poo. Yes, we still have disease and famine in the world, but science can't deal with everything all at once.

For too long pigeons have been pooing on us, mocking us from the skies. If you have ever been a victim of a pigeon turd attack you'll know how bad it can be. Someone will say, "It's supposed to be good luck," but if that were true Nelson's Column would win the lottery every week.

As we know from the extensive work of Dastardly and Muttley pigeons are difficult to catch. But a project has been devised that saves the need. The plan is to feed the pigeons a specially-designed bacteria that will make the pigeons poo soap. Instead of making a mess everywhere the pigeons will be cleaning it up.

And there's nothing that could go wrong. If they don't use enough bacteria we won't notice the difference, and if they use too much pigeons will be flying around with a trail of bubbles coming out of their backsides, which will brighten even the saddest day.

It's not been tried yet, but if it works these pigeons could one day be used as pets. Keep a soapy pigeon in the bathroom and you'll never need to buy shower gel again. In fact the applications go further. If this works maybe it could move on to human trials. If humans could poo soap that guy in the nightclub toilets could finally deserve the pound coin tip he wants.

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