A Cheese Warning

Crisis in the UK. One of the classic pillars of British society is under threat. No, not the NHS, not the BBC, not the timeless art of queuing (but yes, that one seems to be on its way out). Stilton.

Apparently the sales of Blue Stilton cheese are plummeting and the experts say it's because young people don't like the idea of eating mould. What? Are they crazy? When I was young I was always eating mould. OK, I was a student, so I didn't have much choice.

For some reason the cheese that is described as "strong tasting and covered in blue veins" isn't appealing to the younger people. In which case, they really won't like penises.

The Co-operative supermarket's cheese buyer Mark Cloudy said: "This cheese is part of Britain's heritage. We can't stand by and let it fade away - yet the people who like it are getting old."

Basically, what he's saying is, it won't be too long before the only people who like Stilton die. Maybe we could help them to live longer. Maybe we should tell them to eat less fatty diary products.

He said: "We want to tell everyone just how good Blue Stilton is. It is one of the best cheeses in the world, and it's produced here in Britain - but yet few people realise what a gem they have on their own doorstep."

I like Stilton for the irony of the "best before" date stamped on it. It's made of mould, just how much more "off" do you think it could go?

Mark has urged TV chefs to use Blue Stilton to boost its popularity with youngsters.

But it's mainly people in their thirties who watch TV shows like that, so it's only a band-aid solution. If you really want to make something popular with the young folk you have to make it seem like it's dangerous. When you make it you inject it with penicillium roqueforti and that sounds like a drug. So call this cheese "prescription grade". Give it a street name the young folk can use, like "let's drop some bluey" or "fancy some cow tang". Don't say it gives you vivid dreams, say it gives you "sleep trips". And best of all, get nightclubs to ban the taking of Stilton on the premises.

Basically I want the Government to put Stilton in the same drug classification as heroin. Well, it makes you constipated, ruins you sleep pattern and it's rather moreish.

>Read the source story

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Mr Steve N Allen's Live Comedy Album

Mr Steve N Allen presents...

"Steve Does Happiness"

The first live comedy album by Mr Steve N Allen, recorded in London in front of a live audience, is out now! There's a digital download available to buy. Get Steve Does Happiness (Live) on Amazon for £6.21.

You can also find it on iTunes and Google Play.

If you prefer things a little more 'old school' you can have an actual CD copy sent to you for £10 (UK only – elsewhere in the world email for details on postage and packing price). To order your CD you can use Paypal...

...or email cd@somenews.co.uk

Steve Does Happiness is a comedy album all about how to stay happy in this harsh world. It began with a tweet asking, "Are you happy now?" That starts us on a journey through being happy with your love life, your looks and trying to stay happy in the modern world.

The track listing is:

Track 1: Steve's Work Happiness
Track 2: Your Work Happiness
Track 3: The Joy Of Home
Track 4: Big Trouble In Little Euro
Track 5: The Relationship Risk
Track 6: The Single Life
Track 7: Looking Good
Track 8: Trains And The STD's
Track 9: The Long And The Tall Of It

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Horse-Free Burger, May Contain Cat

First it was horse in Tesco burgers. Then it was donkey in salami. Then I had a small worry about what was in spotted dick, but a terrifying Google search later I got over that one.

And now, we hear there could be cats and dogs in our curries. It never rains but it pours. So, it's raining cats and dogs? I'm confusing myself.

DNA tests were performed on some curries (dullest episode of Jeremy Kyle... ever!) which ruled out lamb, beef, chicken, pork, goat, horse and even human flesh. So the newspapers reported that it leaves "the grim possibility it could be dog or cat".

I just want to check, it wasn't a vegetable curry, right? Because I could see how this whole thing could get out of hand.

So, if they tested a curry for the DNA of lamb, beef, chicken, pork, goat, horse and human, why did they just leave it and have a guess at cat or dog? Were they in a rush? They'd probably tried eating the curry and it's not long before you have to rush off if you do that.

The Indian curry was bought at random from an unnamed takeaway in London. Now, I've been out for Indian food in London and I always assumed I was eating some sort of pet. The clues are there. On some menus it's listed as "Meat Curry". It doesn't say the type of meat, it just mean no fish. Maybe.

The point is, you go to places like that when you are so drunk you'd probably eat the actual dog if you caught it. No harm, no foul. Or fowl. Maybe.

Of course it's cat. In fact I rely on it being cat in the curry. When I say I'm going to go out, get drunk and end up eating pussy, it's the only way I'm not proved to be a liar.

OK, it means that sometimes I go out, get drunk, and end up eating some dog, but you take what you can get.

(I'm so classy when I read the Daily Mirror)

>Read the source story

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Mr Steve N Allen at the Brighton Comedy Festival [Ended]

You've missed it, the shows happened. Come back next May when there will be more gigs in Brighton.

Mr Steve N Allen brings the SomeNews Live Show back to the Brighton Fringe this May.

The show that's been a hit at the Edinburgh Fringe and Leicester Comedy Festival is back, rewritten, based on new news, and this time it's FREE.

Check the listings, book your tickets, and come along for a good time.

The venue is:
  The Hobgoblin
  31 York Place
  Brighton
  BN1 4GU


This year SomeNews is on for more days at different times. Take a look at the grid below and click the start time to book your tickets.

Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
		1 -	2 -	3 -	4 3:30pm	5 3:30pm
6 -	7 -	8 -	9 -	10 -	11 3:30pm	12 3:30pm
13 -	14 6:00pm	15 6:00pm	16 6:00pm	17 -	18 2:15pm	19 3:30pm
20 -	21 9:45pm	22 9:45pm	23 9:45pm	24 -	25 2:15pm	26 3:30pm
27 -	28 9:45pm	29 9:45pm	30 9:45pm	31 -

Here's what people have said about the show.


"★★★★★" - Love Fringe

"His improvisation was impressive, topical jokes quick and practised on his tongue. This is a tight, upbeat show that I would recommend going to see." - Broadway Baby

"Allen hits the mark more often than not, with an effusive mix of biting satire and gleeful mud-slinging that recalls Russell Howard by way of Ian Hislop. More than worth a look." ★★★★ - Three Weeks

"Well informed wit." - Latest7

"What was evident here, is the performer is quality, his mockery, and the excellent use of accents combined with clever voice-over interaction; is a performer with masses of talent." - Fringe Review

To book your tickets see the Brighton Fringe website or call them on 01273 91 72 72.

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Look, An Invisibility Cloak!

Researchers have made an ultra-thin cloak that can make things invisible, just like in the Harry Potter books.

Now all they need to do is remember where they left it...

University of Texas researchers have created the magical cover, which is just 0.15mm thin, out of a new material called metascreen.

Great. Because the one thing that stopped me wearing an invisibility cloak in the past was the thick material. I don't want it to make me look fat. Oh, wait, I don't want it to make me look anything, it's an invisibility cloak!

There is a downside to this invention though, it only works in microwave light. So the only thing I'll be able to sneak up on and see naked is my cooker? Rubbish.

Study co-author Professor Andrea Alu said: "When the scattered fields from the cloak and the object interfere, they cancel each other out and the overall effect is transparency and invisibility at all angles of observation. In principle this technique could also be used to cloak light."

Well here's my advice. Don't bother with the military applications of this Andrea, if you want to make your fortune you get one of those dresses that Kate Winslet wore to make her look thin...


...And replace the black bits with the invisibility material. Trust me, you'll sell millions.

>Read the source story

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Best Job In The World [Interview]

A few years ago there was a competition to win the "best job in the world", which was the position of caretaker on an island near Australia. Needless to say, I didn't win it, or I wouldn't be sat here just having redeemed my full loyalty card in a coffee shop, trying to write while the mums sat in this place show off their ability to tune out the sound of their own kids.

This time there are more jobs on offer. There are six places, which include 'taste master' and 'chief funster'. All you have to do is send a 30-second videos to apply. As you can see from the box on the right-hand-side of SomeNews I'm making more video content these days, so I may just apply. If I get the job I'll tell you. Who am I kidding, if I get the job you'll never hear from me again.

I was lucky enough to speak to Rodney Harrex from Tourism Australia and John Constable from STA Travel, who know all about this job competition. So if you want to know more or want to know tips on how to win, have a listen to the interview...


Or download the mp3 here

And here is the Best Jobs In The World website for it.

---

P.S. What would you say is the best job in the world? Think of one and leave it as a comment below please. (You can leave anonymous comments on this site) Thanks.

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Kit Kat Chunky And Plasticy

Bad news from the world of filling your face.

Nestle has recalled four varieties of Kit Kat Chunky bars after pieces of plastic were found by seven people. And it also explains why they are so chunky.

This is a shocking story. A food product recalled that doesn't have horse in it. Unless it contains some of this...The company said the 48g peanut butter, hazelnut, choc fudge and caramel flavour chocolate bars were being recalled "to avoid any risk whatsoever to our consumers".

The other chocolate bars in the range aren't recalled, despite the risk of obesity, stroke, type 2 diabetes and heart disease. But biting into a little bit of plastic, you're safe from.

Those ones were the limited edition flavours in the new promotion where customers could vote for the one flavour they wanted to become permanent. Due to this mix up their new flavour could be "bakelite".

Nestle advised consumers not to eat the products and return them unopened for a full refund. A full refund for the price of one bar of chocolate. At least the Ferrero Rocher people are spoiling us, this means you have to send back a chocolate bar to get 60p.

Or, pretend you didn't read this, bite into it, and sue them for all the dental work and mental distress. That recession beating tip was brought to you by SomeNews.

>Read the source story

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Doctor Who and Placebos - Topical Stand-Up [Video]

Every week at The Monday Night News Show in London SomeNews.co.uk goes live.

Below is a video from this week's show, covering topics like the Matt Smith leaving Doctor Who, or not as the case my be, and real life doctors doing their own works of fiction on their prescription pads.

Have a look...



Watch on YouTube
At the actual gig we also covered David Cameron's immigration plans, the deadly snow in the UK and loads more. Come and see the show live next week.

P.S. Here are all the topical videos from past Monday Night News Shows - check them out.

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Next Gen Condoms

One of the biggest names in philanthropy is offering potentially more than a $1 million to build a better condom.

So I've sent in a rough drawing entitled "Padded". I'll let you know how I get on.

The Grand Challenges in Global Health initiative, backed by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, launched the "Next Generation of Condom" challenge this month.

But why do we need new condoms, why reinvent the sex wheel? Well, as it says in the initiative: "…condoms decrease pleasure as compared to no condom, creating a trade-off that many men find unacceptable, particularly given that the decisions about use must be made just prior to intercourse."

Yes, but that trade off is 'slightly worse sex' vs 'dying of knob-rot'. It's not a tricky one really. Even if it's not a fatal knob-rot you get, it's still only slightly worse sex that you'd have. Other factors can often lead to much worse sex. Drinking alcohol, personal hygiene issues, her husband coming home...

But they're right, the decision is made just before having sex, and that's a point when no decision can be done well. It's an evolutionary thing. The part of a man's brain that can make correct decisions gets turned off on the lead into sex. If it stayed on more often than not you wouldn't go through with the sex.

All in all it's a good idea, if it helps to save lives, reduce the spread of disease and cut unwanted pregnancy, but I don't like the name. The "Next Generation of Condom" challenge. Next Generation makes me think of Star Trek, and how can you have a Star Trek condom? Would that be for when you have sex with Ann Widdecombe? When you're boldly going where no man has... you get where I'm heading with that.

>Read the source story

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Bollywood's Deer Hunter

Five Bollywood actors, including action film megastar Salman Khan, have been charged with killing two rare deer.

Wow. How rare must you have ordered your steak if it only died when it got to you? Or maybe I've misunderstood. Maybe it's not to do with eating. Let's read on. It's said in the newspaper...

They are accused of poaching two blackbucks during the evening of October 1 and into the early morning of October 2, 1998, in Kankani village near Jodhpur during the shooting of the film Hum Saath Saath Hain.

They poached them? So it was to do with eating.

Salman Khan was charged with shooting blackbucks, an endangered type of curly-horned antelope. I don't have all the details of the case but I heard the blackbucks were unarmed.

I know this is a serious crime but it wouldn't be getting this much coverage if it was about someone else. Salman is one of the biggest names in the Mumbai-based Bollywood film business, having appeared in more than 80 Hindi-language films.

OK Bollywood, one of your stars shot some rare deer. Don't make a song and dance about it.

>Read the source story

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Cyprus Timeline

What a week it's been for Cyprus.

Monday 18th: First we heard of plans to take money out of the bank accounts of savers in Cyprus to help raise enough money for them to qualify for an EU bailout. And we in the UK sat there thinking, "Taking money right out of your banks? We don't let that kind of thing here." Unless your bank sends you a letter, when they help themselves to £15 for the stamp.

In general, we don't let banks take our money. We let them lose our money, but not just take it.

Their original plan was to take a percentage from every account, regardless of how much was in it. I liked that idea, because I have a massive overdraft. If they want to take on 10% be my guest.

Tuesday 19th: Taking money away from everyone wasn't popular. Go figure. So they changed the plan. The plan then became to only take money out of the accounts of people who had €100,000 in their accounts. Some said the nice thing about this plan was that it would get some of the dodgy laundered Russian money that seems to be in the country. If you raise taxes only tax payers suffer. If you take money out of the bank accounts the people with bank accounts suffer. In a country with more bank accounts than people it seemed like a good idea.

Not taking money out of the accounts with only a few hundred euros seems fair. If you're a money launderer and you only have that much, you need all the help you can get.

Wednesday 20th: The newspapers reported that the Royal Air Force was sending over a plane carrying €1m for UK military personnel. That's also how much money you have to take on a Ryanair plane if you want to buy a snack during the flight.

The MoD said the flight has a "contingency measure" in case cash points in Cyprus stop giving out cash. If you see a military aircraft with a small yellow box painted near it, that's the one.

Thursday 21st: Dunno. I was busy. Sorry.

Friday 22nd: We heard news that the Cypriot parliament rejected the plan to impose a levy on bank deposits. All that excitement for nothing. I was looking forward to hearing how many pens were nicked from the branches of they took 10% of everyone's savings. But wait...

Saturday 23rd: There was a headline saying, "Cyprus reaches deal on 20% levy on large deposits at main bank in 11th-hour bid to secure EU bailout". They had to. The country is in a race against time after the European Central Bank gave Cyprus until Monday to find the money. If they don't have the money liquidity to the country's banks could be cut off and they could collapse.

It's the weekend and they need money for Monday. Wow.

I bet Wonga.com is expecting a big application any time now.

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Matt Smith Leaving Doctor Who?

The BBC has denied rumours that Matt Smith is to leave Doctor Who after the next Christmas special. Thank heavens for that. I've only just got used to him. I hate it when they change the person who plays him. It's as bad as when they swapped the woman who played Pippa in Home And Away.

But the denial wasn't that great. A BBC statement said: "Sorry folks, but even we don't know what's going to happen at Christmas, it's not been written yet!"

That's hardly reassuring. Rumour says he's leaving and they said we don't know if he is or not. It's not a "no". That's like getting down on one knee and saying, "Darling, will you be mine?" And they say, "I don't know what I will be, so, erm, that's kind of good news, right?"

I don't want Matt to go as I worry about what will happen to the show. The BBC seem obsessed with getting that 12 to 16 year-old demographic and they're turning it into a kids' show.

That's why they revamped the Daleks and made them primary coloured. They never used to be that bright and fun looking. When they started they were all grey. Or maybe it was just because it was filmed in black and white. OK, that's not the strongest part of the argument. But Daleks are meant to be scary, they're not meant to make the room they're in seem like they really open up the space.

And what about the age of the actors? When Doctor Who started he was played by William Hartnell and he was 55 when he first played the part.

Then it was Patrick Troughton when he was 46, then Jon Pertwee was 51, Tom Baker was 40, Peter Davison was the young lad of 30, Colin Baker was 41, Sylvester McCoy was 44, Paul McGann was 37 and Christopher Eccleston was 41. But then David Tennant was 34 before Matt Smith took over at the age of 27.

There's a lot of number, so let's remember GCSE Maths and express it as a graph.


As you can see there's a downward trend that is accelerating. At that rate we can predict that the next actor to play the Doctor will be 12.

And it's at that point I realise I sound like a moaning old man, because I have basically just said, "Oh, doctors these days are getting younger and younger."

>Read the source story

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Doctors Are Giving Placebos

It's rare I cover news stories that affect me so directly, but this one does. Today I twisted funny and hurt my back. I should clarify, when I say I twisted, I mean the movement, not the dance.

A felt a shooting pain and realised I was in for a few days of walking like I've pooed my pants. I was going to go and buy some over-the-counter painkillers but I remembered what I had read in the news. New research says most doctors have given patients a placebo to either to keep them happy or reassure them. And those patients end up feeling better, so I went and got some over-the-counter placebos. I got Tic Tacs.

97% of doctors admitted giving placebos that are not proven, such as antibiotics for a viral infection, and 12% had used ‘pure’ placebos, such as sugar pills, which have no medicinal value at all.

Doctors are prescribing sugar pills, and then they wonder why type 2 diabetes is on the increase.

Oxford research fellow Dr Jeremy Howick, one of the study’s leaders, said: "This is not about doctors deceiving patients. The study shows placebo use is widespread in the UK, and doctors clearly believe placebos can help patients."

Oh. So when the doctor gives you a placebo they're trying to help you. Well, they're trying to help you if they say you should take them orally. If they prescribe them as a suppository you've clearly upset the doctor.

And I certainly didn't use my over-the-counter Tic Tacs as a suppository. Last time I tried that I got banned from WH Smith.

>Read the source story

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Bingo Ban

A man in America has been banned from saying "bingo". That's a harsh and cruel punishment. Now how is he meant answer the question, "What would you rather punch yourself in the kidneys than do"?

18-year-old Austin Whaley got into trouble when he ran into a bingo hall in Covington, Kentucky and yelled "bingo" during a game last month. Amazingly he was lynched by all the old ladies, which is what I thought would've happened. For the bad news for Austin was that police sergeant Richard Webster who was off duty was there.

The police report said: "This caused the hall to quit operating since they thought someone had won. This delayed the game by several minutes and caused alarm to patrons."

They were alarmed by someone shouting bingo in a bingo hall? Life must be a challenge.

The defendant avoided the maximum sentence of 90 days in jail and a $250 fine when he appeared in front of District Judge Douglas Grothaus. The Judge instead ordered Whaley: "Do not say the word 'bingo' for six months."

If judges can order people to not say certain words can we pass a law stopping young folk saying "like" all the time? Cos that's, like, really annoying like.

>Read the source story

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Scorpion In UK Shopping

At a time when it seems like every meal contains horse-meat, here's one that didn't. A woman in Scotland was unpacking her food shopping when a scorpion ran out of the bag.

She sprang into action, and checked the receipt to see if she was charged for it. Or maybe that's just what I'd do.

Amanda Johnstone saw the little creature scuttle across the floor towards her 6-year-old son Ross and elderly mother Gloria, who leapt out of its way in terror. It's not the first time a 6-year-old in Scotland has gone running in terror from a bag of groceries, but normally that's because he's seen a vegetable. (Sorry, I'm not helping the national stereotype there.)

It was also impressive that the gran ran away. Amanda said: "Mum's just had her knees replaced." And after that incident I bet she'll need her knickers replacing.

Amanda's nephew Aaron was called in to scoop up the unwelcome guest in a pint glass (he's not helping the national stereotype either) while she phoned for help from animal rescuers.

The creature was later identified as a non-lethal North American desert hairy scorpion. Animal rescue officer Tricia Smith said: "Desert hairy scorpions aren't deadly but if bitten the pain can vary from that of a bee-sting to intense inflammation and sickness."

I've seen a scale where bee-sting is at one end and bigger swelling is at the other before. But that was on a Channel 4 documentary about breast implants.

>Read the source story

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Podcast 46 - New Pope & Falklands, Huhne & Pryce, Charles' Car, Library Ban

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 46.

In this podcast:

A New Pope (starts 01:48)
The Falklands' Vote (starts 03:41)
Huhne & Pryce In Jail (starts 04:36)
Prince Charles' New Car (starts 08:49)
Library Ban (starts 10:00)



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Pass it on  


Also listen on...

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Women Lie Online

A new survey says that woman lie more than men on their online profiles. Or men lie more than women in surveys.

According to the survey women put fake statuses up on Facebook or Twitter a lot to make their lives appear more exciting. When we see that you’re on Facebook and Twitter all day, we know how exciting your life is.

Here’s a quote from the newspaper: "Researchers found that at least one in four women exaggerated or distorted what they are doing on social media once a month."

Once a month? I see what’s going on here. It’s during the ladies’ time of the month when they lie. They probably believe the adverts and tell Facebook they’ve been rollerblading and skydiving so they don’t look odd.

The survey of 2000 women found they mostly pretended to be out on the town, when in fact they are home alone. These will be the same people who, when they go out, leave a light on so it looks like they’re in. Make your mind up.

The most common reasons given by women for these lies included jealousy at seeing other people’s more exciting posts. Yes, but they’re probably lying too. No wonder pubs are closing, everyone’s sat at home saying they’re having a great social life.

What did we expect though? Do you think everything on Facebook is true? Do you think that Grumpy Cat really says all those nasty things? I heard he’s actually a really affable cat, he just has that look.

It’s terrible. Tut, ladies, tut. You wouldn’t catch me lying online. No, I really mean you’ll never catch me, I go by the username JasonManford_01.

>Read the source story

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Batman and Pistorius - Topical Stand-Up [Video]

Every week at The Monday Night News Show in London SomeNews.co.uk goes live.

Below is a video from this week's show, covering topics like the man who dressed as Batman and solved a crime, and some coverage of the Oscar Pistorius story.

Have a look...



Watch on YouTube
At the actual gig we also covered a way out of the benefit trap, the latest on the Pope or lack thereof, the bad weather and loads more. Come and see the show live next week.

P.S. Here are all the topical videos from past Monday Night News Shows - check them out.

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US Mandatory Gun Ownership

People in the UK often say that Americans are all gun-toting crazies. Not to their faces obviously, they might have a gun. But the UK has got it wrong.

A small town in Maine has proved there are a lot of people with sense after they unanimously voted against a law requiring every household to have a gun and ammunition.

Requiring? That's bad. In every neighbourhood there are some houses where there shouldn't be guns. If you have a fridge in your front garden you shouldn't have a gun in the house. If your neighbour has just planted leylandii trees you should not have a gun (that's not going to end well). If you're dating a model, who looks a lot like a scary intruder in the dark, you should not have a gun.

About 50 people from the town of Byron turned up to the meeting. That's not a bad turn out as the place has a population of 140, which probably would've been even smaller than 140 if this law passed.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there's no hope for a mandatory gun ownership law, I'm just saying it needs a lot of restrictions. For example, the only people who should be forced to have a gun are the people who don't like guns. They're unlikely to use it unless they really have to.

Next, the people who should be banned from owning guns are the people who want a gun. You wouldn't make it as obvious as that, or they'd go on about their second amendment and their right to wear short-sleeved shirts, or bear arms, or whatever the hell it says. What you do is say that anyone who shows an unstable personality can't own one, and make wanting to own a deadly weapon a sign of an unstable personality. Pretty soon anyone with violent tendencies would be massively out-gunned by everyone they'd want to pick on. Crime rates would plummet. There you go, another of the world's problems solved. You're welcome.

It's not the first town to try to pass a law like this. Last week, citizens of a town called Nelson approved mandatory gun ownership.

I thought things were changing in America. I thought recent tragic events might have talked the gun-lovers into realising that the cost of lives is not worth it. But no. The realisation that the latest gun tragedy is so bad it might actually bring about useful gun control has caused a knee-jerk reaction with laws about mandatory gun ownership and a massive increase in the sale of guns.

They seem obsessed. I subscribed to the Alex Jones podcast for a while and it's amazing what conspiracy theories these people believe. They think the tragic shootings are arranged by the government as a way to get the guns out of the hands of the public. And why do they need these guns? To fight the government, which they also accuse of trying to reduce the population of America. Well, you know what's the best way to reduce the population of Americans? Give them lots of guns. History shows they're pretty good at shooting one another.

It seems that it is still best summed up by the NRA's Charlton Heston, who famously said the only way to take a gun from him is from his "cold dead hands". But good news, he now looks so old his hands will be that way pretty soon.

>Read the source story

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[Radio Minipodcast] 11th Mar 2013 - Tannoy Use, Batman and Dog Radio

I covered a show on commercial radio, and here are some of the best bits. It was broadcast on Monday 11th of March 2013.

In the minipodcast we hear from listeners about what they would do if they had a tannoy to tell people off with. And we hear my demo for a job on Dog Radio.

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.



Download the mp3

    

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Oh No, Bieber Fell

Big news, Justin Bieber collapsed. So, let's look at what happened this week. First we heard he was late, then we heard he collapsed. OMG, Justin Bieber is pregnant. It'll be a shock to some who didn't even think he'd hit puberty.

But this is serious. He was on stage at the O2 when he suddenly said, "My lungs hurt." It just goes to show how much turning up on time can really take it out of you.

It said in the newspaper, "Heart-throb, Bieber..." and I'm assuming by that they were complimenting him, not describing his medical condition... "Heart-throb, Bieber spent 20 minutes undergoing first aid. He had slumped into the arms of aides as he left the stage and was then given oxygen."

So that's why they call it the O2.

His manager Scooter Braun told the shocked crowd Bieber was having to be treated by emergency medical teams. He went to see a doctor, tweeted pictures about it, and went home.

Now, only a cynic would say that Bieber's problem was that his late start was the biggest news story linked to him. Being very publicly ill helped to change the news agenda and got him some sympathy.

I'm not saying he faked the illness to cover up for his rock and roll behaviour earlier in the week, I'm just saying if that's how it works, what kind of diva strop made the Queen fake having those really bad shits?

>Read the source story

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Woman Uses Man Moisturiser

To China, for news of a woman who was sent a bottle of sperm as a gift, but mistook it for moisturiser and rubbed it on her face.

And straight away you think, "That was a gift!?! Was the all-night garage closed?"

Apparently it was sent from a shy student, who thought sending a bottle of his sperm would be the ideal way to declare his love. No, it's actually one of the worst gifts ever. They say it's the thought that counts. What kind of sick thoughts was he having?

I have often said that toiletries are the worst gift (like I said in this video special) because they imply you smell. I'm not sure what giving a jar of jizz implies. You look like you need more jizz? It doesn't sound like a compliment.

And what do you write on the note to go with that gift? "I saw this and I thought of you... just not necessarily in that order."

Don't send a bottle of spunk. Maybe just send a voucher entitling the bearer to a bottle of spunk. That way you'll have a great time if she redeems it.

The man, 22-year-old Gou Wen, said: "I love her so much but she didn't know it and I didn't know how to tell her." Dude, send flowers. And while I'm giving advice, if someone is ill, send flowers too. Don't flob up a jar of snot to show you empathise.

The woman, 19-year-old Zeng Lin, had rubbed half the fluid into her face before she asked her flatmate why it smelled so strange. (And props to the flatmate for recognising the smell.) She went to the police and he had to pay a fine of around £200. And here's the twist in the story. She got a really good bargain, because according to Cosmo magazine, women in America pay $250 for a sperm facial. (You have no idea what kind of disgusting Google search results I had to wade through to find this.)

It is said to be leave the skin smooth, nourished and helps to fight ageing. Of course it does. And that's why scrotums look so young and wrinkle-free.

>Read the source story

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The Late Justin Bieber

Good news. Last night Justin Bieber went on stage at the right time. Oh good. That means thousands of young girls have the energy to profess undying love for him online all day. That, in no way, fills Twitter with utter crap.

I'm not a "Belieber", but credit where it's due, his time keeping was better than the night before. At the first gig he turned up two hours late. Two hours!? That's unbeliebable!

Well, some say it was two hours but on Twitter Justin said he was only 40 minutes late. I don't have a joke about that, I just want to be fair in case Twitter reads that I have said something about Justin Bieber and they set out to get me. If Justin's Twitter army attacks not even Lady Gaga's monsters would be enough to mount a successful defence.

According to the front of the Daily Star, Beiber says he held up the show because he was "trying to act cool". If turning up two hours late is cool, the man who was meant to repair my boiler is a style guru.

Monday's gig at the O2 didn't start till after 10pm, on a school night, and for once I'm not using that as a euphemism. The atmosphere at the gig was terrible. His fans started to boo him before he got on stage. That's bad. Even I get to tell a few jokes before I get booed.

JB's just a typical teenager enjoying a night out. He turns up late with plenty of boos.

But, to all of the young girls who were so distraught because Justin was late, at least now you know a little of how your future high school boyfriend will feel when you tell him you're late.

>Read the source story

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Dirty Manford Part 2

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Baby Cured of HIV

Doctors in the US have made medical history by effectively curing a child born with HIV, the first time such a case has been documented. A cure for HIV in newborns. That's great. It means new born babies can have as much unprotected s... no, that can't be right. They can do as much intravenous drugs as t... nah, that's not it either.

It's an amazing breakthrough, but they have managed to fine a cure for HIV for the lowest risk group. That's like curing malnutrition in darts players.

The doctors have said the same cure wouldn't work on adults. Tut. Ageism! It's like BBC Countryfile all over again.

It is amazing though, and while still a long way off, hopefully this is a step towards the goal of a cure for HIV. But this baby isn't the first person to be cured, it's the second. The first was a man called Timothy Brown who had a bone-marrow transplant from someone who had the CCR5 gene, which means he had a natural immunity to HIV.

That's even nearer the goal of finding a cure. I say "goal". It's probably a hand-ball if it's done by a "marrow donor".

>Read the source story

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Film Review: Robot & Frank

If you have ever had a chat about films you may have come across the type of person who says, "I don't like sci-fi." And you say, "Well, what about t..." and they cut you off and say, "No, I don't like sci-fi." That's the kind of small minded thinking that started the war.

Well, those people should watch Robot & Frank. It's sci-fi, there's no two ways round it. It's set in the future and half of the title is Robot. But just because a film belongs to the same genre as Battleship doesn't mean it is also a steaming pile of rubbish film.

The film is about Frank, and old man with a failing memory and a family that's too busy to look after him. His son buys him a robot to help him out, and that robot lets him reconnect with the more active days of his past. Oh, and by the way, in the past Frank used to be a burglar.  What a thing to reconnect with.

It's actually a really sweet film, and anything that centres around people who aren't shiny, gym-toned sex icons is a nice change for cinema. Frank Langella is fantastic as Frank, along with Susan Sarandon and James Marsden. Liv Tyler plays Frank's daughter, and I'm sure she does a great job but I can never get past what a hollow, haunting interpretation of death her speaking voice is. I realise that's more of a quirk that I have than a criticism of the film.

There are interesting points in this film about memory; losing it or deleting it. And it uses sci-fi well to give a different take on normal issues. That's exactly the kind of point we were talking about in my interview with Safety Not Guaranteed director Colin Trevorrow. (If you have the time, watch it here.)

A sci-fi with no explosions, no women with three boobs, and yet it's a great watch. Go figure.

[Robot & Frank is released in the UK on March 8th 2013]


Here's the trailer...

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