Olympics Empty Seat Scandal

The latest scandal at the London Olympics is that masses of empty seats have been seen at many events. Don't worry, some of those same empty seats keep turning up at my comedy gigs. Don't let it stop you. Admittedly, the Olympians don't get many laughs. So we have two things...

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The Bad Language Hotline

Two German entrepreneurs have devised a way for passive-aggressive citizens to blow off some steam - dial a telephone number and give the person on the other end a verbal lashing. It's a great idea. A phone number that you call and say some truly disgusting things to the person...

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Sorry Ladies, Kim Jong Un Is Married

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has announced he is married. Congratulations! Does the bride know? The surprise announcement ends weeks of speculation about Kim's love life. Is he, isn't he... is he actually a he? There were a lot of questions. Recently an attractive...

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Olympics Update: It's Started, Kinda

Here's today's SomeNews Olympic Update. Good news. A planned strike by immigration workers on the eve of the London 2012 Olympics has been called off by the Public and Commercial Services union. Immigration workers? They're the ones who control who comes into this country,...

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18 Cops Rescue Sex Doll

You know how you read those stories from Japan about men who live with, and love, those almost-lifelike-but-not-lifelike-enough-to-not-be-weird dolls? Well, I think China has beaten them. 18 police officers in China were sent to rescued a sex doll from a river. That shows...

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Is Holly Willoughby Coming Round Yours

A new survey has found that the UK's favourite party guest Holly Willoughby. Well, I'm glad someone finally got to the bottom of this big issue. We still have no cure for cancer, won't don't know what happens in the Bermuda Triangle, and we can't make a UHT milk carton that...

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The Olympics Are Coming

There's no getting away from it. The Olympics are here. At least I hope they are, or there's a dude running round London with a flame. The last time that happened we lost Carpet Right. We've had months of moaning about the games being held here, which probably stems from...

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Aurora Shooting - A Gun Control Issue

I know this website once did a joke about a survey that said 1 in 4 men don't change their pants every day. (If you see 4 men together statistically 1 of them has smelly pants. It was Ringo wasn't it? Yep, Ringo.) I realise this isn't the place people come to read about serious...

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£230 For Royal Wedding Toast

A slice of toast left over from the breakfast table of Britain's Prince Charles on his wedding day to the late Princess Diana sold at auction for £230. That quite cheap compared to the rest of the Duchy Original brand. The humble scrap was kept by a former servant of the palace...

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Lack Of Exercise Is The New Smoking

New research says we Britons are some of the worst in the world for failing to be active. I learned this news while watching TV, so I am in no place to judge. The new report says that 17% of all UK deaths are caused by a lack of exercise. That seems really high. Unless you're...

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Woman Whose Ass Could Kill

At a time when the Olympics could face security threats, the coalition government could be falling apart and we're finding out our banks have been robbing us all, the Daily Star's front page is all about the butt. They have a picture of a woman who has spent over £10,000 getting...

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Olympian Banned From Sex With His Own Wife

Australia's Olympic team has had an interesting issue. One of its athletes has complained that he has been banned from sleeping with his own wife at the Games Village. That seems like it is out of order. In the UK we don't ban our sportsmen from sleeping with their own wives....

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50 Shades of Beach Volleyball

Get the latest SomeNews Olympic Updates here First we hear that the travel arrangements in London might not be ready for the Olympics, the M4 was closed and G4S totally messed up Olympic security. But now we hear the worse news about the sporting events at London 2012. Olympic...

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Fancy A Urine Chaser

If you smoke, drink too much or have lots of sex with wrong 'uns this story is about to make you feel better about your addiction. A woman in America has come out as suffering from an addiction to urophagia - consumption of your own urine. Eugh! I hope this isn't a gateway...

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John Terry Not Guilty

Chelsea's John Terry has been found not guilty of racially abusing Queens Park Rangers' Anton Ferdinand. Looks like Terry's lawyer is as good a defender as he is. The trial gave us some interesting headlines as it went along. The front of The Mirror told us Terry said "it...

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Niall Says **** Off In One Direction

Niall Horan - you know, he's the One Direction singer who most 14-year-old girls want to send to prison indirectly - has apologised after a film of him calling some fans "a shower of c*nts" was posted on YouTube. What a delightful phrase the little man came out with. I'm more...

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Wimbledon 2012, As It Happened

I watched Wimbledon. I hadn't seen it before. I have to say, Paul Bettany was good as Murray but Kirsten Dunst did an amazing Roger Federer. No, it was the men's final and as I watched I tweeted. So instead of writing about the final I thought I'd post the tweets I did that...

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Podcast 33 - Barclays NatWest and Carr, Higgs Boson, Terror and Weeing

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 33. It's a look at some news that's hit the headlines recently. In this podcast: Barclays, NatWest and Jimmy Carr (Starts @01:48) Higgs Boson has been found (Starts @ 12:54) Weeing in the street (Starts @17:05) Terror alerts in the UK (Starts...

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Could You Pass The Salty Tears

I like seasoning and condiments. I have a lot of respect for them. If it wasn't for ketchup most of what I cook would be inedible. Ketchup is the Tippex of my cookery. But here's the latest worrying development in condiment news. A company in London has made a variety of...

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What's Worse, Terrorism Or Bees?

I know that you can use statistics to prove whatever point you want. Only 52% of all stats are independently sourced. That means nothing, but it proves my point by proving my point. But here's a stat that tells us something. Bees and wasps have caused as many deaths in the...

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The Longest Eye-Worm

How's this for gross? A man had a worm removed from his eye. Ewww! But on the plus side, his vitreous humour now tastes like tequila. It was in India where an old man went to the doctors with persistent pain in his eye. The doc had a look and saw a writhing parasite. He...

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Death Of The Wolf-Whistle

A new surveys says that wolf-whistles may soon be a thing of the past. I should explain, the survey found that builders don't think wolf-whistling is acceptable these days. It's not a survey saying women are just letting themselves go. The research found that 56% would not...

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I Beliebe Justin's Going On Tour

Justin Bieber has lined up his first arena tour in the UK for two years. Really? I thought that two years ago he was still in the womb. That wasn't a mic lead, he still had his vestigial tail. I'm not going to be harsh about Bieber though. I'm too scared. If you say something...

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Attack Of The Meat-Eating Plants

Three species of carnivorous plant that feed on worms underground have been discovered in the Brazilian savannah. I never like meat-eating plants. We're made of meat and we shouldn't be lower than a plant on the food chain. You feel sorry for the worms that get eaten by a...

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