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02/06/2025

The Vegan Apocalypse

6/02/2025 12:13:00 amSomeNews

Do you have your apocalypse plan ready? I have to admit I don’t, but I also haven’t sorted out my pension, so that shouldn’t come as a surprise. In fact, not being ready for the apocalypse might mean I won’t have to worry about reaching my pension years, so maybe it’ll all work out.

Professor Tim Lang, a professor of food policy, has told the government we should be ready in case our computers get hacked, Russia attacks, or something else horrible happens.

The coronavirus pandemic was good training. We all know how to panic-buy like we’re in the Supermarket Sweep final. Tim, however, thinks there’s one group that needs special consideration. He said we need to think about vegans when catering for the apocalypse.

I think that means we’re misunderstanding what an apocalypse is. I agree that vegans need to be catered for when you invite them to a dinner party. The onus is on you to ensure you have the right food if you’re hosting on a Saturday night.

But if you’re living in a barren, post-apocalyptic dystopia where we have to get by on scraps, I think we all have a responsibility to be less picky. I don’t like green olives, but if the alternative was not eating that month, I’d probably shut up about it.

If we’re in an underground bunker and I share my meagre rations with you, I don’t expect you to look at the ingredients list and say, “Oh, there’s gelatin in this?” in a judgemental way.

Professor Tim Lang said that if people are “in psychological shock, they need to have things they are familiar and comfortable with.” I agree, but when you’re hunting with a sharpened broomstick for food, it’s less about comfort.

If the apocalypse we’re facing is a zombie one, I note that if you get caught and turned into a zombie, you’ll be eating brains. No one stays vegan through the whole apocalypse, one way or another.

I know it’s a common trope for comedians to mock vegans, and I respect the lifestyle during times of plenty. But when things get really bad, you might have to rethink your priorities rather than expect everyone to help you through Armageddon.

I feel sorry for people with gluten intolerance. They’re often grouped with vegans in the category of “difficult people to have around for dinner,” yet they don’t get a mention in the guidance given to ministers. They’ll have to spend their apocalypse feeling gassy and bloated while the vegans get special treatment.

In the end, apocalypse or not, we’re all just trying to survive – vegans, the gluten-free and olive-haters alike.

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It’s Time To Lose The Edinburgh Pandas

1/04/2021 09:08:00 amCoronavirus, SomeNews, to-app

It’s finally become clear. This wasn’t about 5G or Bill Gates secretly creating coronavirus so he could get us Googling for things on Bing. This was always about the pandas.

The giant pandas that we have in the UK may have to go back to China because of Edinburgh Zoo’s ‘financial pressure'. China was playing the long-game to get them back. It’s the only possible explanation for COVID if you disregard all the ones that make sense.

Sure, whoever wanted the pandas back could have mounted a rescue operation with helicopters and SWAT-style teams but that wouldn’t have been their area of expertise. They were animal experts so they used what they knew and they created a pangolin and bat that exchanged bodily fluids. They next thing we knew, bang, the virus is out there making zoos fail.

With hindsight it is obvious that zoos were going to struggle during a pandemic. If I wanted to see a smelly animal that’s trapped in a small space I’d watch myself in lockdown. The zoo animals have someone who brings their food round so they have a better way of life than those of us who queued for the local Asda.

Edinburgh Zoo’s two giant pandas, Tian Tian and Yang Guang, have been in Scotland for a few years now. Their lease at Edinburgh Zoo is due to expire at the end of the year and it's unclear if the zoo can afford to keep them. I think this might be time to do a sour grapes pivot and reframe these pandas as a bad thing.

They sit around all day living off our money, and we have enough of that already. So get Priti Patel to send them back. That’ll cheer some people up in this Brexit era.

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[Video] Comics Solving Problems - S02E16 - Trump's Immune Response & BoJo's Mojo

10/07/2020 01:38:00 amCoronavirus Video Podcasts cpod

When lockdown stated the Comics Solving Problems show began. Lockdown restrictions came and went and are currently coming back to say hi again. The new version of the show is still out there keeping up with the news for you. It's Comics Solving Problems.

Through the week you can send in the lockdown-related questions you have and during the show we will answer them to the best of the abilities two home-working stand-ups can.

In this episode they look at Donald Trump's dose of COVID, how to fight coronavirus like Trump and in UK news, what is Boris Johnson going on about?

Here's S02E16.

How To Mock Trump Now

10/05/2020 01:24:00 amCoronavirus, SomeNews, to-app, to-email, to-twit, US

What is a satirist to do with Trump?

The news that the President of the United States of America has contracted the coronavirus has left some of us in a difficult position.

Even though we have had to see some pretty shocking news in recent years, most of the topical comedians are still human. You know, deep down. When you hear the news of a man in his seventies contracting a virus that can be fatal to people in that age bracket, you have empathy.

Science tells us that the virus is really tough for those who are overweight. Now, some say Donald Trump lies about his height to bring his BMI down but viruses don’t check paperwork. It’s another reason show concern for someone who is ill.

If we were only listening to the angel that pops up on our shoulder that would be the end of it. But the devil on the other shoulder loves to point out the hypocrisy. When a man who has belligerently said the coronavirus would be gone by the summer catches it in autumn, it’s worth a mention.

When someone who has recently said publicly that COVID-19 affects “almost no one” gets affected by it, how can we not sarcastically say, “So you’re calling yourself a no one?”

He held rallies where his supporters defiantly refused to wear a mask. That’s because the wearing of a bit of fabric over your breathing parts as a small effort to help everyone else has become a political issue.

It was surprising as Donald has been known as a germaphobe for quite some time. Most germaphobes would like people to wear masks even when there’s no pandemic but the political capital to be gained by making the “do-gooders” seem bad was too tempting. And look where it’s got him.

Even the most sympathetic commentator must find irony in the man who said to use bleach as a cure is now in a hospital using proper drugs suggested by proper doctors. He suggested putting UV light in the body. Did he try putting a sunbed lamp up his botty before trying real drugs?

Just as the poetic irony of the situation starts to entertain there will be a ping on my phone from a news app telling me that doctors say the next 48 hours will be critical for him. That jolts me back to thinking that no matter what point of view someone has held, you shouldn’t make light of something that could cost them their lives.

Show sympathy. That can’t be wrong. And just as soon as I start to think that social media shows me the conspiracy theories that he doesn’t have COVID and he’s only doing this to get out of the future debates. His current narrative is that his opponent Joe Biden is old and frail. If Trump can claim to have had a case of the tough COVID but walked it off in a few days he can look fit by comparison.

Now I don’t want to fall into the trap of giving sympathy if it’s not due but I don’t want to accuse someone of pretending to be ill in case they go on to die.

There was another conspiracy theory that claimed the President was hiding a secret oxygen tank about his person and using a mask to cover the nose attachment. Several mainstream media outlets have claimed that’s nonsense but I remember someone saying those outlets peddled “fake news”. I wonder who could have said that?

What about all of those Trump supporters who claimed that coronavirus was a hoax? Do they see the contradiction of their position or do they think this proves that people can catch made up illnesses. Be careful when you pretend is real, some people could catch that. I’m terrified that I might come down with a case of The Phage from Star Trek Voyager.

I haven’t noticed many Trump supporters saying sorry for thinking this virus that killed over one million people was a hoax. They are too busy saying that Trump critics shouldn’t mock him. They ask how the left would like it if it was one of their figureheads who got ill. Maybe people replied with the clip of Trump mocking Hilary Clinton after we heard she had pneumonia. Even more hypocrisy.

Donald has been rude about people with illnesses and dismissive of the disease he now has. His actions may well have led to more people catching this potential killer. And yet, I still don’t want to mock him. He’s an old man who is ill.

Donald, get will soon, so we can get back to pointing out what a hypocrite you are.

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Back To The Home Office

9/28/2020 02:59:00 pm

Here we go again. It seems like only last week we were being told to get back to work. That’s because we were being told that last week. This week we’re being told to work from home.

Michael Gove was interviewed on the TV and he called it a, “Slight shift in emphasis.” It wasn’t that long we were told that if we didn’t get back into the office we might be easier to sack. Now they’re telling us to work from home again. It’s less of a slight shift of emphasis and more like a 180-degree turn.

I’d love t see Michael Gove commentating on rally driving. He would excitedly tell us about the moment the driver pulled up the handbrake as he went round the corner, performing a stunning slight shift in emphasis.

Even if this coronavirus hadn’t happened working from home should be allowed anyway. We don’t have to be facing a global pandemic to find a way to spend less of our lives in traffic.

The real problem is that home-workers don’t pop into a coffee shop for spend a tenner on a drink and sandwich. Those purchases keep the economy going.

I’ll meet the economy halfway. If I am working from home I will recreate a coffee shop experience. I can make my own coffee, I can try to force myself to have a muffin too and then throw seven-quid away.

I know it’s a shame for the towns. Whenever I go into the centre of Sutton it’s sad to see so many shops closed. It looks like Outram Street did a few years ago. I try to remember that if we head back to a full lockdown the situation will be worse and some of those shops will stay closed permanently.

If you went back to work, I am not saying it is your fault. You were putting the effort in and following the advice we were given. Don’t lose heart because at some point in the future will we need to have that attitude again.

It feels like a moment where the people who tried to get us back into the office should admit their were wrong but that never happens these days. Politicians insist they were right before and they’re right now they’re saying the total opposite.

If they get things wrong they deny it. If we get things wrong we risk a £10,000 fine.

I don’t know why I’m so angry about working from home. I don’t have any work at the moment anyway.

Is The Superdrug Antibody Test Worth It

5/21/2020 12:43:00 amCoronavirus, Health, SomeNews, to-email

Near the start of this coronavirus crisis people were saying we need to “test, test, test”.

Now we are seeing a new level of testing that completes at least one of those three.

Superdrug is selling an antibody test. That means it is the test that shows if you have had the coronavirus in the past. Seeing as Covid-19 can happen without the sufferer showing any symptoms, if you have had no symptoms recently, this test could be for you.

The fact that you can get it from Superdrug means you can pick one up as you’re getting your false nails and pregnancy tests. You’d imagine people would be happy about this but they have been upset by the price tag. You can get this test for £69.

The test itself apparently costs pennies to produce, so there is a large mark-up, but that’s how shops like that work. I’m sure it doesn’t cost much to make mint shower gel but they charge several pounds for it.

The Original Source ones boast that they contain 7,927 mint leaves. Round it up and put 8,000 in, you tight gits.

It is a bit steep. When I heard that Superdrug were asking nearly £70 for each test I thought, “What do they want, blood?!”

Then I read more about how the tests work and realised, yeah, they do - a small sample of it.

Many people are upset that we are not getting the tests for free on the NHS. It’s important to remember, you don’t have to have one of these tests. They only tell you if you were ill with coronavirus in the past. The fact that you’re not currently on a ventilator or dead should tell you it wasn’t that bad.

At the moment the scientists aren’t sure that having the antibodies will mean you’ll be immune to the virus. If that’s the case I’m not sure why we bother making them. If they’re just hanging round in our blood and not keeping us safe they’re just making us weigh more. And I do not need help in that regard.

If you pay £69 for this test and you find out that you had the virus the only thing you can do with that information is bring it up in conversation. And for a chance to talk about ourselves we’ll probably stump up the cash willingly.

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[Video] Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems Ep12 - Garden Centres, New Normal People & Mouthwash

5/17/2020 01:00:00 pmCoronavirus, Video

During this enforced staying in there's a greater need for stuff to watch. We're always here to help. For the next few weeks we'll be doing live-streaming shows called Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems.

Through the week you can send in the lockdown-related questions you have and during the show we will answer them to the best of the abilities that two out-of-work stand-ups have.

In this episode we look at garden centres reopening, the "new normal" may ruin the TV show Normal People, and can mouthwash help with coronavirus.

Here's episode 12.

If you have any questions you'd like us to tackle on the show track us down on social media (on Twitter use the hashtag #CIQSP) and we'll see if we can help. We'll be back next week.

Coronavirus May Cause... Possession

5/16/2020 04:48:00 pmCoronavirus, SomeNews, Strange, to-app, to-email, to-twit

As if we didn’t have enough to worry about already. We have this Coronavirus thing, I don’t know if you’ve heard about it.

We also have the threat of murder hornets. Basically wasps that can kill. You think a normal wasp can ruin a picnic. It’s even worse when you have to carry back a full hamper of food and a corpse.

Now we have to worry about possessions. Not as in, “Please keep your possessions with you when you leave the train.” You shouldn’t be on public transport in the first place, you dirty git. It’s demonic possessions.

Exorcist and Buddhist priest Paul Devlin says that the “negative energy” created by the coronavirus pandemic is a “breeding ground for demons”.

On the bright side, I am already avoiding people, so if a few of them become controlled by evil spirits, at least they won’t be doing it near me.

This Paul Devlin chap apparently knows what he’s talking about because he has seen off some demons in the past. His said his first case was someone who had pointed teeth. And now everyone is wearing a face mask, they could all be on the turn and we can’t tell by looking.

In an interview with a tabloid newspaper Paul said that people in self-isolation may have negative emotions and those emotions could entice malevolent forces in. For some it may be the only way to get some company. It’s just nice to have someone to chat to, even if they’re chatting back ancient Aramaic.

I’m not sure if you can get an exorcism via a webcam. Will reading out an incantation in Latin still work if you’ve got yourself on mute? There are more questions than answers.

There may be a good point here. Negative thoughts and emotions are bad for us and they can be easily found during the lockdown with its isolation and worries. So here’s a bit of good news to help in the fight: “Don’t worry. None of this possession lark is real.”

Phew. Feels better already.

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[Columns] Money, Money, Money

5/15/2020 11:40:00 pmcolumn, Coronavirus

Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.

With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news.

In this one, from a newspaper in Essex, I look at the role of money in all this coronavirus lark.

Click to have a read.

What Boris Johnson and Elon Musk Have in Common

5/06/2020 12:52:00 pmSNANews, Strange, to-app, to-email, to-twit

Lockdown has taught me a lot about the effects of poverty. It’s worrying to see your career disappear, I’ll miss it, but I realise I was lucky before. Real poverty costs lives. The Office for National Statistics found that if you are more well off you stand a better chance of surviving coronavirus.

The ONS also found that if you are a man you have a worse time with the virus. If you combine those statistics it shows that women must be earning more than men now. That’ll cheer some people up.

The news has also shown that money affects the names you give to your children. Prime Minister Boris Johnson and Carrie Symonds welcomed their little bundle of joy into the world by naming him Wilfred.

He’ll be known as Willy Johnson, both words with a shared slang meaning. I’d be worried about my child being picked on at school with a name like that.

My working class education taught me that you have to have a solid bully-proof name. If your name rhymes with something rude you’re done for. If it sounds silly, you’ll be taunted by those sounds for years.

My surname is fairly safe but even I was called Fallon because it sounded a bit like a character in Dynasty.

Posh people don’t have that worry. Boris knows he is rich and influential so giving his child a name that’s up there with Richard Member is fine. No one will dare to tease his little Willy.

Extreme wealth makes this effect worse. Billionaire Elon Musk has named his new baby “X Æ A-12”. I’m being serious. He’s had a child with singer Grimes and they have named that baby something that looks like Teletext when you had bad reception.

If I named a child X Æ A-12 Allen it would be bullied everyday. It would known as Typo for short. The big boys at school would give it a wedgie as they shout, “Is that a name or a Battleships move?”

In theory X Æ A-12 Musk should be bullied more because that surname make it sound like a sex pheromone you can buy online. A billionaire as a dad makes all of that go away.

Strange names are the domain of the rich, successful and powerful. And thanks to the lockdown I’ve ended up with the career that fits being called Steve.

Trump To Detergent Coronavirus

4/24/2020 10:45:00 amCoronavirus, Health, SomeNews, to-app, to-email, to-twit, US

Donald Trump has done it again. He is so often right that it should come as no surprise that he has done it again.

In a White House briefing he suggested we do some research into whether detergent could be used as a treatment for Covid-19, by injecting it or using it to clean the lungs.

A little bit of research shows that he’s right. Bleach will kill the virus. Sadly it will also kill other thing, like the people who have bleach injected into them. That means that bleach could be used to get rid of the virus if you’re OK with getting rid of the person too. It won’t help your death rate graph but it will flatten that infection rate curve.

By the same logic we should look into arsenic, strychnine and anthrax being potential ways to kill the virus.

He also said we should see if UV light could be used to kill this coronavirus. Again, he’s right, if we’re talking about being a vampire instead of coronavirus. They are easily confused; they both involve staying indoors all day.

As much as it’s funny that the most powerful person in the world has said this, it’s a worry that some Trump supporters will follow this advice. When it was hydroxychloroquine, people took it, risked some complications, but it wasn’t too bad. It was also harder to get hydroxychloroquine. Everyone has bleach at home, so it is a worry that people will try it.

Some will cruelly call this natural selection in action, but don’t be so smug. If Trump causes a rush on bleach, how am I going to buy mine to clean the loo? I had enough on when I couldn’t get loo roll. What is it about this pandemic that seems to be attacking our bathrooms?

I shouldn’t have to point it out but don’t drink bleach. And to be fair, Trump wasn’t saying we should drink it. He wasn’t even saying we should use it externally. He would never put bleach on his skin and ruin that perfect fake tan. And if he does, getting some of that UV cure could help. See, I knew he’d make sense.

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[Video]: Here's some video content about coronavirus cures

The Traffic Light System - Our Way Out Of Lockdown

4/21/2020 10:30:00 amCoronavirus, Health, SomeNews, to-app, to-email, to-twit

At the moment, no one knows when the lockdown will end. That is part of what makes it so hard. Not knowing is always a challenge. For some of us. There are some people who seem to take not knowing things to an extreme level, but that’s not what I’m here to talk about today.

Right now it is important to remember that, while we don’t know when it will end, we know that it will end at some point. These rules won’t stay in place for the rest of civilisation. We can’t go within two metres of people we don’t live with. If that rule stayed in place we’d stop reproducing within a generation. Yes, webcam sales would go through the roof, but we won’t be repopulating the planet.

In the UK, the Government has released some details on how the end of the lockdown could go. A phased release of the rules to get us back to normal.

They have introduced a traffic light system of red, amber and green. But these things never actually go by the traffic light rules. We won’t have red and amber at the same time telling us we can get ready to go. Amber won’t flash. They don’t think these things through.

RED PHASE

First up, “Red Phase”. I think it’s called that because of the Red Room in Fifty Shades. You’re allowed to do some things in there but there’s a very high chance you’ll be punished still.

In it we will see schools and hairdressers reopen. It’s a shame about the hairdressers. I’ve been enjoying all the tweets by people who are in desperate need of a trim. I was hoping that by the time the lockdown is removed people would walk out of their homes like the end of a 1970s sci-fi film.

The details say that in this stage the public will still be urged to avoid non-essential travel. That’s actually a good rule for life. If you don’t need to be anywhere else don’t go. That way you spend less time travelling and don’t end up where you don’t need to be.

AMBER PHASE

Then we move onto “Amber Phase”. That sounds like a woman in a Scissor Sisters tribute band.

In this phase companies with fewer than 50 staff can reopen. This is the first problem. After the big companies have laid people off they’re probably down to this classification now, and it also mean, if you work for a company with 51 staff. Ooooh, bye bye.

It says, “Restaurants will be allowed to take customers while taking action to limit person-to-person contact.” I presume that means they have to serve everything with onions and garlic.

During this stage, people on public transport will be told to wear masks. I think that’s right. I don’t know if masks help stem the transmission of the virus, but you look at some people on public transport and think, “Christ! Cover that face!”

GREEN PHASE

Ah, finally, we will get to the “Green Phase”.

Gyms will reopen, which means people can stop running like they have been every day and go back to being less fit in the gym.

Pubs will open too, and maybe the stand-up comedy world will come back to life and I can spend less time writing on here. See, we all win.

They say the pubs will have some restrictions but they don’t specify them. I’m hoping it will be based around keeping people apart at the bar. Maybe a queuing system. Yes, coronavirus has caused massive upset, but if it ends the system of people crushing to the bar and someone getting served before me, at least it has some positives

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[Audio]: Here's some audio on coronavirus

Prince Philip Speaks To Corona Workers

4/20/2020 04:12:00 pmCoronavirus, Health, Newspapers, SomeNews, to-app, to-email, to-twit

Prince Philip has praised the key workers helping to fight the coronavirus. That is a sentiment that you have to agree with. These people are working so hard to save lives. Surely no one could sit around and rib the Prince for what he said.

Well, you’d think that, but I do have a lot of spare time on my hands.

It’s nice that he sent a message to the NHS workers, but he doesn’t need them. He must get the finest care available from the top private people. That’s like some royals Zoom messaging some state schools. *Remembers that exactly what William and Kate did last week*

They’re mocking us. It’s like posh people talking about how much they love going to Aldi for the wines.

The prince praised the "vital and urgent work" being done by key workers. And I imagine he added that he was sorry he couldn’t be there in person to add some racially dodgy comments to the nurses himself. It’s not the same if he doesn’t. It’s like booking Rod Hull and him turning up without the emu.

If Philip wants to make some dodgy comments he should act quickly. When these people are wearing the correct PPE, with the masks and eye protection getting in the way, it’ll be hard to work out what thing you shouldn’t say. That PPE could arrive at any minute, so now is the best time for him.

The thin, white Duke wrote the message to mark World Immunisation Week.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t know that was a week. For me, every week is an immunisation week. Normally I would be in favour of anything that rubs it in the face of the anti-vaxxers but I have started to feel a little sorry for them. They have been oddly quiet. With experts rushing to find a vaccine for this coronavirus it is a bad time to be talking about how you don’t like vaccines.

The Flat Earthers can believe what they want and no one dies from falling off the Earth, but being an anti-vaxxer during a pandemic is tricky. I suppose it is a akin to living during a famine but being the kind of person who goes on about the 5:2 diet.

Philip is currently following self-isolating and social distancing guidelines along with the Queen at Windsor Castle. I have never lived in a castle but it must be hard to not self-isolate. You could get lost in a wing and avoid humans for days. When you live in a one-bed flat, it’s more of a challenge.

So, he took time while sitting around at home to publish a message about the current situation. That’s basically what I’m doing with all the podcasts and videos I’m producing.

The only difference is, people actually care what he has to say. So yeah, turns out I can’t really mock him for it.

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[Audio]: Here's some audio on coronavirus

[Columns] Strictly Come Coronavirus Dancing

4/20/2020 12:46:00 amcolumn, Coronavirus

Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.

With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news. In this one we look at new of how Strictly Come Dancing is following in The Mash Report's footsteps and finding a way to film. Click to have a read.

Should We Wear Face Masks At Work?

4/18/2020 01:00:00 amCoronavirus, Health, Newspapers, SomeNews

Should we wear a mask or not? This is becoming the coronavirus-related issue I struggle with the most.

What I liked about the Covid-19 pandemic – and you have to go some to find the bits you like about a pandemic – was that we had put our trust in the experts again. After Brexit had made us thumb our noses at anyone foolish enough to actually do the learning, there was nothing like the imminent fear of death to make us like experts again.

We trusted the profs. Boris trusted them. Boris stood within two metres of them to do some press conferences.

On the issue of masks, the experts told us we didn’t need them. They said that they weren’t proven and that they didn’t filter out things as small as a pesky little RNA-filled bag of protein like Covid-19 so what would be the point?

I believed them because they were the experts. For a small second I thought to myself, “Isn’t Covid-19 spread in aerosols of breathed out spittle, so the issue should be the diameter of those rather than the size of a virus? But whatever man, they’re the ones with the qualifications.”

Then the news told us that countries that had forced their people to wear masks out of the house were doing better than us with lower transmission and death rates. Now our papers are telling us we may have to wear masks when we go back to work.

That is going to be quite a culture shock. After three weeks of lockdown I am not sure I’ll get used to wearing trousers again, let alone wearing something new.

Yes, having the lower part of your face covered will make it easier to pretend to be interested in meetings. And yes, making everyone wear a mask will spare us from the Darren from Accounts and his wicked bad breath. But there are downsides too.

Anyone who reads lips will take this personally.

Remember, if we have to wear face masks, the key is to wear them on our faces. I see so many people with the mask pulled down around their chins because they’re talking on the phone. Wearing a face mask on your chin is like wearing a condom on your balls.

[Audio]: Here's some audio on coronavirus

[Columns] Coronavirus Conspiracy Types Are Here

4/17/2020 11:17:00 amcolumn, Coronavirus

Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.

With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news. In this one we look at some of the conspiracy types. Click to have a read.

[Columns] Has Coronavirus Taken Your Sense of Smell

4/15/2020 09:24:00 amcolumn, Coronavirus

Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.

With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news. In this one we find the upside in one of the effects of getting it. Click to have a read.

[Columns] What Is Essential Shopping During Coronavirus Times

4/11/2020 09:09:00 amcolumn, Coronavirus

Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.

With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news. In this one we defend the shoppers who are doing nothing wrong. Click to have a read.

Are UK Police Overstepping The Coronavirus Rules?

4/10/2020 10:13:00 amCoronavirus, SomeNews, to-app, to-email

Are the police going too far in their actions to enforce the lockdown?

Even in the face of all the news stories about those overstepping the mark, mathematically the answer is no. The vast majority of the police will be working with the new rules very well. The shame is you only hear about the times when people have something to complain about.

People love complaining about the rules under which we are living. Conservative MP Jack Lopresti has said it's wrong that churches remain closed when off licences are open. To be fair, you don't spend as long in an off licence as you do a church, and while you can get wine and a wafer in both, the ones you get from the off licence are sealed and you don't share them with others.

We have to understand that the rules need to be policed but the police need to keep us onside.

Northamptonshire Police chief constable Nick Adderley had said his force was "only a few days away" from "marshalling supermarkets and checking the items in baskets and trolleys to see whether it's a legitimate, necessary item".

He's taken that back now, and I have some sympathy. I love having a look in people's baskets but only to judge then, not fine them. I very much enjoyed the panic buying days where you'd see people buying 3 litres of milk and 24 toilet rolls and you'd think, "If you're lactose intolerant just buy almond milk."

Why are some police thinking it's OK to check our shopping? Who's to say what is essential? We can all survive without vodka and biscuits but they're the main way many of us are getting through this lockdown.

The police should be careful about their image. If people start to think, "Ah, so now there are fewer speeding fines raising money they're fining people for leaving the house," the nation will start to resent the rules that are in place to save us.

We have also seen an increase in police stopping people to ask about their reasons to be out of the house. This may be the best part of it, because it has upset the kind of people who have spent years talking about the unfairness of stop and search saying, "If you're not doing anything wrong why would you mind being stopped," and now they don't like having to answer to the police. At least some good is coming out of this.

[Audio]: Here's some audio on coronavirus

[Podcast] Corona Special 2 - Conspiracies, Bats and Royals

4/09/2020 01:01:00 pmAudio, Coronavirus, Podcast, Podcasts, RadioPod, SomeNews, to-app, to-email, to-twit

It's the Steve N Allen Podcast (with Steve N Allen). Starting up again to survive the corona situation. Episode 2. (If you missed the last episode you can get it here)

In this podcast:

The coronavirus continues and maybe a podcast can help. In this week’s episode we look at the conspiracy theories and fake news being spread on the internet, we ask, “What can we learn from bats about how to cope with it and does sleeping upside down help?” and coronavirus on the ISS?

We also catch up with broadcast legend Jonny Gould about how to home-school.