This weekend has been to celebrate the fact that the Queen has been on the thrown for 60 years. And well done to her, managing to hang on to that job through three recessions. We can learn a lot from her.
Some places had street parties, but we didn't have one where we live, so I just sat on the pavement eating my Pot Noodle. And there's little more British than eating high-salt food and ignoring your neighbours.
The event wasn't without upset, poor old Prince Philip had to go to hospital with a bladder infection on Monday. He spent the weekend partying and by Monday had a bladder infection. That's happened to many women across the nation. Still, look on the bright side, he got to miss Cheryl Cole singing.
That's because there was the Jubilee concert held at Buckingham palace. Gary Barlow did a duet with Cheryl Cole. He hasn't been on stage with such big tits since... well, actually, Take That, X Factor... most of his career has been like that. When Cheryl appeared on The Voice a lot of people complained that she was mining. Cheryl certainly stopped people complaining about that. In fact most people started requesting that she mimes again.
Sir Cliff Richard was there, who's now so old it was like watching Mumm-ra from Thundercats do karaoke. Grace Jones was on stage, covered in baby oil. And she's so crazy there's a chance that's actually oil made from babies. Still, it worked. It was the only was she could get past security; oil up and they couldn't grab her.
Annie Lenox turned up dressed as an angel, which seems like an odd thing to do when the host's 91-year-old husband was rushed to hospital earlier that day.
We also saw Tom Jones, Rolf Harris, Kylie and loads more. Credit where it's due, that Aussie sexpot is looking damn fine, almost as hot as he looked on Animal Hospital.
Kylie looked hot too. They say our economy isn't doing very well, but he's certainly had lots of work done.
Rowan Williams was in the audience. Robbie Williams was on stage. I get confused between the two. They both go on about angels a lot.
All in all, it was a great night of TV viewing. I didn't get tickets to go, I stayed at home and tweeted about it. In fact that's where most of this article has come from, my tweets during the show.
Decades from now I'll be chatting with my grandchildren over a Whurther's Original, and they'll say, "Granddad, what were you doing during the Diamond Jubilee?"
"Well, children," I'll say, "I was on Twitter being a sarcastic dick."
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