The Sound That Kills Sperm

For years men have hated wearing condoms. Unless we wear them on our heads and blow them up by breathing out of our noses. Some men say having sex in a condom is like having a bath in your wellies. It's more like just dipping your toe in, in some of our cases.

Worry no longer men. Scientists have invented an ultrasound contraceptive. There's a sound that stops men making babies? I think I've heard it, it's anything by Enya, yeah?

Researchers at the University of North Carolina found two 15-minute doses of ultrasound on the nads drops sperm levels. From the sperms point of view it's probably like having really noisy neighbours.

This is a great breakthrough. If a woman wants to be sure she won't get pregnant all she has to do is set the ultrasound noise as her bloke's ringtone and call him when he has his phone in his pocket.

OK, he'll still feel it vibrate but that'll just get him in the mood for later.

And the other good thing about this is that it means men can have ultrasounds. At the moment it's just women who have ultrasounds when they're pregnant. Now we can get a print off from our bollock ultrasound and bore our friends and families by making them look at it, even though you can't make anything out. It's equality.

The same research is useful for couples trying to start a family. Ultrasound can kill off sperm so men, you have to stop putting bats down your pants.

Is that just me? OK, forget I said anything.