Celebrity Big Brother 2012 Launch Review

Celebrity Big BrotherYes, it's still going on. It's like Ceefax. You remember seeing it on TV years ago but it comes as a surprise to hear it is still broadcast. It's Celebrity Big Brother.

It's not on Channel 4 any more, it's now on FIVE. It means there are subtle differences, like Brian Dowling (he's the new Davina - looks similar but doesn't go on about being a mum anywhere near as much) as the main presenter will say, "Housemates, you are live on Channel Five. Please swear, fart, get a boob out. Anything, we're desperate for ratings here."

Shows like this are often attacked by people saying that the 'celebrities' who go on it aren't really celebrities. Well this year the naysayers are proved wrong. They have Andrew Stone from some sort of reality show on subscription-only Sky. They have some twins who once had sex with an old man. Take that, naysayers.

There is a proper celebrity in there and it's quite depressing. You know the recession is a bad one when Hollywood actor Michael Madsen is going in the house. He was in Reservoir Dogs, Kill Bill, even Scary Movie 4. I hope we find that in real life he is just like the characters he plays, and by that I mean I hope he goes on a killing spree.

Frankie Cocozza is also in the house. He was the guy who was thrown off of The X Factor for doing drugs. I hope they let the sniffer dogs give his luxury item the once over. Frankie already boasted that he'll be having sex in the house.

Another housemate is Welsh rugby player Gareth Thomas, who surprised the sporting world in 2009 when he came out as gay. He's the only reason I hope Frankie's boast gets proved right.

Former Coronation Street star Denise Welch is in as is former EastEnders star Natalie Cassidy. It'll be a battle of the soaps in there. And if Frankie ever tries to wash it'll be a battle the soaps will lose.

Irish model Georgia Salpa is in the house, or as the Geordie voiceover said: "Georgia is half Greek and half Irish." So, good with money.

Kirk Norcross from The Only Way Is Essex is there and footballer Ryan Giggs's sister-in-law Natasha. She slept with an in-law and now she gets on a TV show. That's not fair. I tried it once and I had to buy someone a house.

The twins I mentioned above are Playboy models Kristina and Karissa Shannon. In their intro they said they were Hugh Hefner's girlfriends. Some people were saying that the thought of them sleeping with an old man like Heff is disgusting. No it's not. The thought of them sleeping with him together is. They're twins. That's a type of sister. Eugh! In fact twins is worse than sisters. That's like incest squared.

I've probably forgotten some of the celebrities, but hey, that's showbiz.


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