I know that Wimbledon has just finished and I feel that this topical website should mention it, but there's only one problem... I don't know anything about tennis. I don't even understand the scoring. Would it kill them to just count 1, 2, 3... I hear them say, "30-15," and I think, "My word, they must've been playing for ages!"

I know so little about tennis I had to double-check that the headline on the Metro was to do with another story and not something Andy Murray said to the trophy.

But the winner of the men's one was Novak Djokovic, and while I thought that was the name of a baddy in a low-budget action film, it turns out he's actually a really good tennis player. He beat Rafael Nadal and got the world No.1 ranking in one simple move. Which means he'll be seeded or ceded or whatever it is. Neither make sense to me. He's either given up as a territory to another nation or he's left till he drops his seed everywhere, and that sounds more like something a footballer would do.

But anyway well done. There was also a women's final. Google tells me that was Maria Sharapova being beaten by Petra Kvitova. I don't know who your pronounce Petra's surname properly but I say it like a Cockney telling you to pass him something, "Oi, k-vit-ova!"

All I know is this. Andy Murray didn't win so lots of English people will go back to being in favour of Scottish independence.

The fact that I don't know anything about what happened isn't my fault. Most of the newspaper and television coverage of this great tradition in our sporting calendar was that Pippa Middleton turned up one day in a see-through dress.

I don't know if that has anything to do with tennis really but I did find myself thinking, "New balls please!" Don't ask!


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