30/11/2012

Hmm, Bacon Shaving Cream

Men. Are you tired of shaving with normal shaving foam and smelling clean and fresh after? Then look no further. A company has started making bacon scented shaving foam. Finally! Now I have something I can use to get rid of those strange hairs you get on pork crackling. J&D's...
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Thief Gives Toilet Rolls Back

Here's the headline that caught my eye: "Toilet Paper Theft Repaid At New Mexico Uni" I thought, "There's a toilet paper thief? And I bet the police have nothing to go on." I know, that doesn't quite make sense. That would be a toilet thief, but it's such an old joke and sometimes...
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29/11/2012

Film Review: Safety Not Guaranteed

The problem with a lot of films these days is that they're better before you see them. The excitement I felt about going to see The Amazing Spiderman was way more than I felt while I was watching it. And the film I thought I was about to see as I drove to the cinema to watch...
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Eric Bristow Sues I'm A Celeb

Eric Bristow's manager is trying to sue the TV show I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here. If his case is under the trade descriptions act, the fact that half of the people who went in no one had heard of, he just might win. Apparently Eric's people are upset that he's been...
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The Name's Gaffney, Dean Gaffney

Soap star Dean Gaffney says he applied for a job with MI5. He wants to be in charge of keeping the country safe? Hmm, now might be a good time to emigrate. To be a spy you have to be someone who doesn't stand out, someone that no body noticed. Hmm, maybe he's perfect after...
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27/11/2012

Don't You Really Like It, Isn't It Really Wicked

A new survey came out looking at what motorists moan about the most. Apparently it's thing like white vans and cyclists. Unless that driver is near a petrol station, when seeing the price per litre will probably top that list. The concept of finding out what people hate isn't...
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SomeNews Live At The Leicester Comedy Festival 2013 [Ended]

The show has happened. Shame you missed it. If you want to see the festival show check out the Live Listings, or come along to a normal comedy club night when I'm playing a gig near you. Here are the dates. Mr Steve N Allen's SomeNews Live Show comes to the Leicester Comedy...
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26/11/2012

Alcohol's Minimum Price

The UK has been suffering floods, we're in an economic down-turn and hospital superbugs are getting harder to kill. But the big news in Britain is... they want to charge us a little bit more for our booze! The Coalition is about to publish its consultation on alcohol. It...
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Woman Weds R-Patz Cutout

Everyone seems to fancy Robert Pattinson. Well, apart from Kristen Stewart, she sometimes wants someone a little more mature. But in general a lot of girls fancy R-Patz. And just let me point out, I'm from the north, so R-Patz is what we'd call two extended family members...
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25/11/2012

Olive Oil Penis Enlargement Really Doesn't Work

In Thailand, a 50-year-old man was forced to have his penis removed following a botched enlargement attempt using olive oil. The big question is, extra virgin? He may as well be now. The man had used an unproven method of injecting oil into his penis, having been told by friends...
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You May Never See Your Doctor Again

The Express has: "End of the Doctor's Surgery". It says that face-to-face appointments are going to be a thing of the past. Looks like the doctors' receptionists have finally got what they always wanted. For years they have done everything they could to stop the patients...
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What Wine Goes With Chocolate [Wine Expert Interview]

We all know the basic rule. It's white wine with fish, red wine with meat and rosé wine with the annoying girls from work. At Christmas it's not just a drink with a meal, you might have a little tipple at other times. And between meals you keep yourself going with chocolates....
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What Do You Call A One-Eyed Goat?

Have you ever thought that life isn't fair? You're right, and here's the news to prove it. In India, a goat has been born with only one eye. The poor thing. And it's a goat, so it doesn't even have a good joke name. Like, "What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea." What's...
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24/11/2012

Man Vs Shark, Guess Who Wins

Some people have a fear of flying, some people have a fear of snakes, and some have a fear of sharks. Which is worst? Maybe it's the snakes because the film Snakes on a Plane would've been less dramatic if it were Sharks on a Plane; they'd just flop around a bit gasping for...
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The Human Hairball

There are some things cats can do that we humans can't. Licking themselves, falling from a great height and landing OK, and being generally offish and self-serving and yet still somehow being loved. But there's one thing that we humans can beat them at: furballs. In India,...
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Liquor? Never Touched Her!

A liquor company has released a line of spirits said to have been poured down the chests of glamour models before being bottled. Really? I'm not falling for that, like I fell for the card that said "genuine photo" in that phone box. Don't ask. The limited-edition bottles...
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23/11/2012

British Bigfoot

If you live in Kent there's someone you should be afraid of. And you're thinking, "Of course there is. Have you ever been to Chatham?" But this is far worse. There's a Kent yeti. An apeman standing eight feet tall and with "red burning eyes" has been spotted lurking around...
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22/11/2012

Emma Stone's Sex Tape

Actress Emma Stone is apparently worried because she made a sex tape when she was younger and it might get released. Don't beat yourself up Emma, you had the right idea. It's better to do one when you're young. I'd do one now but I'd have to put so much Vaseline on the lens...
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It Was Dangerous, Brian

There's now an urgent review into the TV show I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here after Brian Conley had a meltdown. They're worried about the checks that take place to make sure the famous people are safe. Hmm, if only there was a way the contestants could get out if they...
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Woman Gets A Boner

A woman has been accused of hoarding human skulls and bones in her flat to have intimate relations with. There's a woman who wants to make love to bones? Well, that explains how Mick Jagger managed to get laid so much. The alleged necrophiliac kept at least six skulls, one...
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20/11/2012

The Preteen Photoshop Problem

Girls as young as 12 have been found to be Photoshopping pictures of themselves before uploading them to the web. This is worrying. Firstly, who's going round checking that preteens actually look like their photos? And secondly, these poor girls are foolish to do such a thing....
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19/11/2012

Video: Bum Fun

There's a worrying number of news stories about people who have things shoved up their bottoms. What's going on? SNA News gets to the bottom of the bottom of it. Watch on YouTube Get more video comedy at justhegreate...
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Helen & Dec's I'm A Celeb Secret

Aw, misleading headline of the day is on the front of the Daily Star, which says: "HELEN & DEC'S JUNGLE SECRET". It sounds like I'm A Celeb contestant Helen Flanagan has been getting it on with Declan Donnelly, which would be mixed news. Sure, she's very attractive, but...
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18/11/2012

As Thick As Criminals

Prison isn't working. We know that. They're like universities where people go to study being a criminal. When they get out they find it hard to get a job, so it really is like a university. But what can you do? People have to be punished and community service doesn't seem...
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16/11/2012

Podcast 39 - General Petraeus Sex Scandal, China's Leaders, Mr Good Deeds

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 39. It's a different look at some news. In this podcast: General David Petraeus (starts 01:42) Nadine Dorries (starts 06:02) China Gets New Leaders (starts 08:42) The Good Giraffe (starts 10:13) More Options   Subscribe on...
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Coffee Warning

The world economy is screwed. Superbugs could skill us all and reality TV shows will soon be the only thing on. But this story is the most worrying thing I have ever read. Coffee could be driven to extinction by the year 2080. Aaaarrrgh! UK researchers at the Royal Botanic...
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14/11/2012

Keira Knightley's Nudity Rule

In entertainment news: Keira Knightley has said she is happy to go topless. Great. All we need to do now is find the Jane Austen book with lots of nude scenes and then turn it into a film. The reason she says she is happy with going topless on camera is because she says her...
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12/11/2012

Video: Plastic Surgery

Should you have plastic surgery? Before you make your mind up, SNA News gets to the bottom of it. Watch on YouTube Get more video comedy at justhegreates...
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09/11/2012

John Lewis Christmas Advert - More Horror

Ah, the John Lewis Christmas advert. It seems like only last year when they brought one out. We covered last year's one on this site because it featured a child who is impatient for Christmas to arrive because he has plans he can't wait to put into action. There's an edited...
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Woman Who Enjoyed Starbucks Too Much

A woman was arrested after she was spotted masturbating in a Starbucks. Now, I like coffee. I go to coffee shops all the time, but you'd never catch me masturbating in Starbucks. Because I know how to hide it well. Police were summoned "by the staff at Starbucks regarding...
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Girl Swallows A Toothbrush

A teenager was taken to hospital after she swallowed her toothbrush. How do you swallow a toothbrush? Was she holding it on the end that doesn't have the handle? Did she think those "hard to reach places" they talk about in the toothbrush adverts were somewhere down her throat?...
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07/11/2012

The Cameron And Brooks Texts

David Cameron is having a hard time again, this time over his texts with Rebekah Brooks. They've been called "cosy" in the press. Tut. I wanted more than just cosy. One text from Brooks said she "cried twice" while watching Cameron make a speech. Well, David has made many...
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06/11/2012

Ill People Make Us Ill

Workers with the flu who don't take time off when ill are putting colleagues at risk, new research shows. Damn right. And even worse than spreading their vile pox, they don't do any work. They just sniff and moan about how unwell they are. They turn up just for the sympathy. 32%...
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04/11/2012

David Cameron's Toilet Trouble

David Cameron is tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime. It's probably because he's been the victim of it. As we found out recently, David Cameron was burgled and the thief got away with his Skoda. And if you rob a millionaire and get a Skoda, maybe you're a rubbish...
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01/11/2012

Podcast 38 - Superstorm Sandy, China's New Leaders, Rude Tomb Stone

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 38. It's a different look at some news. In this podcast: Superstorm Sandy (starts 02:00) China Gets New Leaders (starts 07:45) Rube Bits On Tomb Stone (starts 09:42) Visit To A Medium (starts 13:13) More Options   Subscribe...
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